Please or to access all these features

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

My dp mother died about half an hour ago and I just don;t know what to do to help.

78 replies

twinsetandpearls · 16/09/2007 21:19

My tough northern man has become a blubbering wreck and I feel so helpless.

He was so close to his mother, at times it drove me mad, I want to help but I don't think there is anything I can do to help.

OP posts:
twinsetandpearls · 16/09/2007 22:16

THanks Mummy2TandF it means a lot that you have taken time to share kind words and advice.

Mumsnet at its best.

OP posts:
twinsetandpearls · 16/09/2007 22:17

THankyou Wickedwaterwitch kyou

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 16/09/2007 22:19

Also, are YOU ok? Who is there to support you? Apart from us lot anyway. I think you should be kind to yourself too.

twinsetandpearls · 16/09/2007 22:21

I don't know what happened to my post then.

I am fine, I will not pretend that I was ever very close to dp mother as she could be a difficult woman, I am more worried about dp to be honest.

I am more of a social person than dp so I have lots of people to support me.

But thankyou for asking.

OP posts:
BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 16/09/2007 22:23

TSAP

Huge hugs, re your DD, this might help.

Waterbugs and Dragonflies
Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about with its friends. Clinging to the stem of a lily, it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

'Look!' said one of the water bugs to another, 'One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you suppose she is going?' Up, up, up it went slowly. Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return. 'That's funny!' said one water bug to another. 'Wasn't she happy here?' asked a second water bug. 'Were do you suppose she went?' wondered a third. No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled.

Finally one of the water bugs, the leader of the colony, gathered its friends together. 'I have an idea. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where she went and why.' 'We promise', they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water, and had fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings. The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly.

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by, the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chancd to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs!. There they were, scurrying about, just as he had been doing some time before. Then the dragonfly remembered his promise: 'The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why'.

Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly he could no longer go into the water. 'I can't return!' he said in dismay. 'At least I tried, but I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what happened to me, and where I went'.

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air.

WideWebWitch · 16/09/2007 22:23

Oh good, I didn't mean about mil, I meant about how you will have to be supporting him and it might take it out of you but glad to hear you have friends who will support you.

twinsetandpearls · 16/09/2007 22:26

Oh yes I have that story somewhere someone at church gave it me.

WWW if I am being honest I am nervous how I am going to hande dp as I know he hates to be seen as vulnerable, he loves to be seen in control and coping. He is the rock of our family and to have to take on that role is scary.

OP posts:
twinsetandpearls · 16/09/2007 22:29

I have just phoned to check he is OK and he says he is in the hospital trying to compose himself, he said he needs to be strong for the family and therefore once he feels "composed " he will come home. I am so worried.

OP posts:
twinsetandpearls · 16/09/2007 22:32

I hate just sitting here while he is upset but he is adamant that I don;t go down.

OP posts:
mylastrolo · 16/09/2007 22:38

so sorry for your loss You must feel awfully helpless right now. Will say a wee prayer tonight for you all.

twinsetandpearls · 16/09/2007 22:39

thanks

OP posts:
lilolilmanchester · 16/09/2007 22:41

Hi Twinset, you must feel pretty helpless at the moment, but save your strength, you'll need it in the days/weeks to come. Perhaps you feel a little rejected? Please don't, this is your DP's grief, just be there ready to respond to whatever he needs (within reason).

WideWebWitch · 16/09/2007 22:46

TSAP, my dh is the rock here too. I find it very hard if ever he can't cope and yet I know the minute one of his parents dies I am going to HAVE to be the coper and I will have to support him. I will have to be there to support him and to utterly not expect him to be capable of supporting me and it scares me a lot.

I really hope when it happens I'm in strong and capable mode. And although it hasn't happened to me I'm scaredof it, which is why I asked how you were. but having lots of rl and virtual friends will help you.

WideWebWitch · 16/09/2007 22:47

I think if you want to help him you can tell him he doesn't have to be strong, it's Ok, you will take care of him and your family. If you feel able.

lilolilmanchester · 16/09/2007 22:50

good point, WWW...

twinsetandpearls · 16/09/2007 23:01

I told him that on the phone but he is adamant that he will be "strong" I think now that both his parents are dead he has to be the one in his family to carry on going.

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 16/09/2007 23:01

Oh poor dp. Be prepared for him to crumble at some point thne. he may not but worth being prepared for (inasmuch as one can)

lilolilmanchester · 16/09/2007 23:13

I think realising you're an orphan, no matter how old you are, is particularly tough. WWW's words are wise ones.

twinsetandpearls · 16/09/2007 23:15

you are right , it struck me about an hour ago that dp is eefectively an orphan, he does not get on woth his brother and does not see anyone else in his family. He must be feeling very alone.

OP posts:
lilolilmanchester · 16/09/2007 23:17

just remember, he won't be himself right now. Wonderful that you are trying so hard to do the right thing. That might be impossible in his eyes right now. Don't take any of it personally and don't hold any of it against him, in the short term at least. have been there, not nice....

hunkermunker · 16/09/2007 23:21

Oh, TSAP I'm so sorry. I hope your DP allows himself to grieve in his own way. He's lucky he has you to support him.

WideWebWitch · 16/09/2007 23:24

Also (and I speak as someone who's been bereaved, not as someone supporting someone) be aware that he won't be himself. He may be a bit loopy for a while, even if he thinks he's ok
Night, xx

twinsetandpearls · 16/09/2007 23:29

Night and thankyou.

OP posts:
hazygirl · 17/09/2007 07:42

take care im so sorry and am thinking of youx

twinsetandpearls · 19/09/2007 22:16

thankyou

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread