My son died, aged 24

[Random789]

My son died. The police came to tell us on Thursday morning, so he died either late on 5th or early on 6th Feb.
He was very mentally ill and also had a diagnosis of autism. I'm not sure if he still had a diagnosis of schizophrenia, but he was vulnerable to repeated episodes of psychosis.
He was transitioning into living in his own flat after about three years of living on a mental health rehab ward. He had just got to the stage of spending nights there, and was due to be formally discharged from his section today.
He died from loss of blood. In the past he had used recreational drugs to try and cope with how he felt and it is possible that happened again and contributed to what he did. We don't know yet.
He was a terribly unhappy person, unable to break away from solitude and inactivity, unable to do anything that would be a source of comfort or absorption or satisfaction.
He was very thoughtful, gentle and kind.

Sorry for your loss @Random789
No parent should have to deal with the death of their child.
Its something i don't think I will ever come to terms with.
Take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry about your son. May he rest in peace

I am so very sorry about your son, OP. Please try to forgive yourself for the breastfeeding incident so many years ago 🕯

May your son Rest In Peace. You write so beautifully about him. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Oh my lovely, you stopping breast feeding suddenly didn't cause his mental illness. Please don't dwell on it, I'm so sorry for your loss.

You write with such eloquence about your son.

I am so incredibly sorry May he rest in peace x

I am so, so sorry. Honestly, you stopping breast feeding did not cause your son's problems. Lots of people have to stop suddenly for all sorts of reasons. I promise you, that was not the reason he had mental health issues. Do please forgive yourself - not that there is anything to forgive because you did your best - and you will find some peace.

It was a terribly sad thing to happen. Some years ago I went to the funeral of a young chap of similar age to your son and wonder how his parents and sister have ever come to terms with it - but they have. You will be able to accommodate this in time and your son is at peace, please stop punishing yourself.

My deepest sympathies to you at this most tragic time.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, I hope it gives you a small amount of solace at this most tragic period. It certainly is so helpful for others with similar children to know they are not alone as so often these life stories are kept hidden.

My son is 16 and I identify with much that you say. I often fear a similar outcome.

Please take care of yourself and take the grieving process slowly. You have been through so much more than most people could ever understand.

Best wishes.

Every single one of us looks back at our parenting and can identify things we wish we had done differently. But not all children grow up to have significant mental health issues.

His mental ill-health wasn’t your fault. It just wasn’t. Please don’t blame yourself x

Oh no you really mustn't think like that, that incident that many many of us have done won't have had any impact at all.

I'm sure you'll be thinking that's easy for me to say but it's honestly true.

Lots of love to you

Thank you very much for your replies. Often I feel numb and weirdly distracted but particular memories like that grab me sometimes.

I hate feeling so numb, and in fact the most comforting thing to read in these replies was "Your pain is so deep". It helps to make it real, takes away from the weird unwanted lump of confused distraction in my head.

I came off anti-depressants a while ago, partly to try and tackle this numbness. Usually when I read on mumsnet posts from people who describe an undesirable numbness while taking ADs I think,'come on, give yourself a break, allow yourself not to feel awful - it is only the depression that you are losing'. But now I do think that while you are trying to process something very bad ADs are a mixed blessing.

It's not just the ADs, though, something more is keeping my feelings apart from me. It is very hard to understand and not very easy to bear.

I should add that I know that a lot of you read the bereavement threads because of awful bereavements of your own. I am very sorry for your pain, and very sorry too for those of you who are prompted to reply because you have, or had, a son or daughter or other relative going through similar torments to those of DS1. All my love to you all.

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. You speak so beautifully about your precious son, how loved he was.

I can resonate completely with your thought process.
In my daughter’s case, she took her own life as a result of medication she was taking for acne. It was a sudden suicidal impulse which overwhelmed her. I know she did not intend to die. 2 hours before it happened she was making plans for a holiday and was perfectly normal. She had a normal conversation with her Dad 20 mins before it happened. She was a bright, happy go lucky child.

I have been left with such desperate guilt for not noticing what was happening to her, for not knowing the danger of the drug she was taking, for having allowed doctors to convince me that this drug was safe, for not being there when it happened, for not being a better mother, not telling her I loved her enough.....it goes on and on.

I feel that my punishment for failing her is to have to live without her every day. Nothing anyone can say to me helps.

I don’t want to make this thread about me but I just wanted to say that when something like this happens I think it is normal to feel responsible in some way. Not that you are, but we are hard wired to want to protect our children and a mothers’ guilt is very hard to overcome.

Try to be kind to yourself. You are not alone. I am with you.

I'm so very sorry to hear of your daughter's death, DevastatedandDistraught. I heard of this awful side effect of acne medication a while ago on a news programme. I know you don't need me to say it, and that it probably won't help, but of course it is not in any way, in any way your fault.
At least I have the consolation (of sorts) of knowing and understanding that my son's life was genuinely a burden to him, and that if he hadn't killed himself that day, he may have done the next ... or the next, or the next, or any subsequent day in fifty or sixty painful years. In a sense, nothing turns on that one evening. I even had the strange feeling that it had already happened, long ago, and that day in February was just some sort of formalisation , like a decree absolute for a marriage that was long over. But for you, I guess there is the awful, terrible grief of knowing that she could have lived happily. I hope, I really hope, that doesn't sound like rubbing in the pain. I know from my own experience that there is a kind of need to confront the most awful and utter bleakness at the core of the event. Everything else just feels like unreality and paralysis. Forgive me if I have misjudged.

Thank you Random.

You are right in what you say. For me, the knowledge that she didn’t want to die and that it should never have happened eats at me like a cancer.
I feel like I have been hollowed out and am just an empty shell, existing ever more reclusively. You are correct. It is like a paralysis.

The news programme you saw- I think that would have been my daughter.

I remember that she seemed a lovely girl and your family life together looked so happy.

It was good of you to raise awareness in the programme. I'm sure it will have had an impact.

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you have loved ones to support you

Random789 I’m so sorry this must be terrible news. Sending strength.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've lived in fear for 3 years that my son will end his life and know that worry that your child will kill himself all too well. I haven't been able to take a deep breath for years.

I send you all my best wishes for your time processing your grief. I wish I could hug you and comfort you. It's heartbreaking. So hard to stay robust.

@Random789 @DevastatedandDistraught I have no words to offer that could help as your sense of pain and loss is immense.

I’ve read the whole thread and didn’t just want to read and run. I so wish I could think of something to say, but I can’t, except to say that you’ll both certainly be in my thoughts

I'm sorry. I hope you have lots of support.

I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. Words can’t help you I know, but I’m thinking of you and of your son. I’m sorry he had so much suffering in his short life. I hope you have support and can eventually find some peace.

I work with a wonderful charity that anyone going through this terrible time might find comfort. The compassionate friends Www.tcf.org.uk they really are wonderful and is based on bereaved parents supporting other bereaved parents. I’m very honoured to work with them . I wish you all some peace x

@Random789
Thank you for your kind words. That you can offer such comfort to me, a stranger, in your hour of need, says as lot about you. Your son was lucky to have such a lovely mum. Yes