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Bereavement

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Original poster

My son died, aged 24

127 replies

Random789 · 10/02/2020 08:00

My son died. The police came to tell us on Thursday morning, so he died either late on 5th or early on 6th Feb.
He was very mentally ill and also had a diagnosis of autism. I'm not sure if he still had a diagnosis of schizophrenia, but he was vulnerable to repeated episodes of psychosis.
He was transitioning into living in his own flat after about three years of living on a mental health rehab ward. He had just got to the stage of spending nights there, and was due to be formally discharged from his section today.
He died from loss of blood. In the past he had used recreational drugs to try and cope with how he felt and it is possible that happened again and contributed to what he did. We don't know yet.
He was a terribly unhappy person, unable to break away from solitude and inactivity, unable to do anything that would be a source of comfort or absorption or satisfaction.
He was very thoughtful, gentle and kind.

OP posts:
WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 10/02/2020 09:27

As PPs have said I too am so sorry for the loss of your son .

He will be at Peace now . Peace that he somehow did not get on this Earth . ((((unmumsnet hugs)))) Flowers

dontdoironing · 10/02/2020 10:14

❤️ sending love your way.

labazsisgoingmad · 10/02/2020 12:06

so sad esp as it sounded like he was moving on with the flat im so sorry Flowers

Percivalthebabyspider · 10/02/2020 12:08

I'm so sorry. This is heartbreaking.

1happyhippie · 10/02/2020 12:12

So very sorry to read this random
You are in my thoughts today, if it helps to talk, I am here to listen

Take care

Honeywort · 10/02/2020 12:14

Thinking of you and your lovely son xx

LuckyBitches · 10/02/2020 14:27

I am so sorry you've lost your son, OP. He sounds like a lovely man
FlowersFlowersFlowers

Original poster
Random789 · 10/02/2020 15:09

Thank you very much everyone. I think I will try to use this bit of MN in the coming weeks and months because I know there is good support here, often from people who have been through awful things. I might not post again for a while, though. For now I just needed to put down some facts. I woke up feeling even more dazed and fragmented than I have been for the last few days and it seemed helpful to find an anchor in some words.

OP posts:
Paddy1234 · 10/02/2020 15:19

I am so sorry to hear of your loss
❤️

Billyeyelash · 10/02/2020 15:26

I am so sorry for you Random and sorry for your boy. Flowers

I hope your heart swells with pride at his kindness. And I am sorry our world couldn't support him better.
I'm joining in the support team for you Random xxx I have a boy with Autism and the battles they face aren't at all easy.

FVFrog · 10/02/2020 15:29

So very very sorry for your loss. I hope you have family and friends around to support you Flowers

ParkheadParadise · 10/02/2020 15:35

Sorry for your loss @Random789
No parent should have to bury their child it's heartbreaking.
Take Care of yourself 💕

reelteeth901 · 10/02/2020 15:43

So sorryThanksxx

itwaseverthus · 10/02/2020 15:59

Oh Random I am so very sorry. x

SingingSands · 10/02/2020 16:07

I'm so, so sorry. I wish I had the words to say more.

Thanks
moresugarpls · 10/02/2020 18:14

I'm so sorry for your loss op Thanks

haverhill · 10/02/2020 18:16

I'm so very sorry for your loss and the pain you must all be in right now.
Flowers Flowers Flowers

Libertylee · 10/02/2020 18:29

Very, very sorry for your loss.

EllieBellend · 10/02/2020 18:43

So very sorry for your loss Random.

shinnnypin44 · 10/02/2020 18:45

I’m so sorry for your loss xxx

HelenaJustina · 10/02/2020 18:49

I’m so sorry for your dreadful loss @Random789 Flowers I have an autistic daughter and her loneliness frightens me.

Your son sounds like he had a lovely nature. I hope you have people around you for support x

Original poster
Random789 · 01/03/2020 09:48

I'm thinking about a time when my son was 11 or 12. His friends belonged to a wargame lunchtime club where they spent a lot of time painting little metal figures for fantasy gaming. He wanted to do that too, so we went to a wargame shop and he spent lots of pocket money buyibng fugures and paint. And then they just got left on a shelf in his room. He couldn't get the motivation or confidence or - I don't know what exactly - to actually do the activity.
He didn't know how to get happiness from it. He saw other people being happy doing things and he wanted that too, but he didn't know how to actually do the things that bring happinesss.

A year or two ago I mentioned this memory to him, and the awful thing was that he remembered it too - which revealed to me just how consciously baffled and excluded from joy that he felt even at that age.

He just wanted what others had, but he saw it all from the outside and couldn't get it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Random789 · 01/03/2020 10:01

I think of that memory often, but what triggered it just now was something on Twitter about a lad who started some book review account on Instagram, and unkind kids at his school saw it and decided to mock it really aggressively. I think about how baffled and sad that lad must have been to see their reaction. He wanted to do something joyful but was left with disappointment and self-hatred and confusion. I just keep thinking of the thwarted aspiration to just be happy and connected. The confusion and wretchedness when that simple attempt at joy is crushed. In my son's case it was crushed by mental illness not bullies, but in other respects it feels the same.

Mothers fear that experience of disappointment in their children - when anticipated happiness doesn't materialise. We picture it all the time in relation to lots of small disappoinments that they might face. For my son it was the whole essence of his life. He saw happiness in others and thought it could be for him too, but it wasn't.

OP posts:
OnceUponACat · 01/03/2020 10:19

Dear Random, first of all I am so sorry for your loss and for all those years spent trying to help your son to find happiness and a place in this world. But also thank you so much for sharing and for your words who speak of my brother who also has never been able to find a way to joy despite how much he tried/tried. He too I am sure seeS how easy it comes to people around him and all he can do is watch it all from the outside. 45 years on he has decided that watching is too painful and has become a hermit And lives in a hut in the middle of a wood. It is not nice and it is far from ideal and it does not resolve much but he is less reminded of what he cannot have. He is not happy nor content and with age anger builds up against a world that kicks him every time and the people in it who used to laugh at him, reject him but mainly, like you wisely point out, have it easy and can fit in, on the outside and on the inside, like me who I seem to be the total opposite. I feel a punch in the stomach when I think of and about him but for my mother it is an omnipresent pain.

He hates me now and hates everyone who, like you say, gets this world and knows how to extract joy from it without efforts. I never understood that one couldn’t and I wasn’t able to help him.

All this to say thank you for your words that explained and clarified my thoughts and feelings and for sharing such a painful moment. Understanding that for some the battle starts at base level is so important and yet so difficult.
You are not alone OP. I am sending you a big big hug. Flowers

Original poster
Random789 · 01/03/2020 11:22

Thank you for your reply, OnceUponACat. It does sound like there is much that is similar between your brother and my son. A hut in the woods is a very perfect symbol of the place where my son was mentally. I'm sorry that things are so hard for your brother.

When you said that your brother hates you, my instant reaction was to say 'No he doesn't!'. I know that is daft, because I have no knowledge of your relationship with him at all. But there were two things in my son that looked like hostility and in fact weren't hostile at all.

One was his behaviour as a child to his younger brother (who is very very different from DS1 as you are from your brother and finds it easy to be happy and connected). As a child my son picked on his brother endlessly and aggressively and it was a source of many confrontations between DS1 and me, which I regret immensely. I now understand all this unpleasant behaviour as a very muddled and inept attempt to reach out to his younger brother and feel connected to him. In later life DS1 made lots of conscious efforts to interact with his brother positively. He never seemed to feel confident about how to do it, but the will was there and I think he loved his brother.

The other thing that looked like hostility was his very 'masked' emotional appearance. In some way that I don't understand it was hard for him to express feelings in his face and voice and manner. It looked aloof, even aggressive and intimidating, but I know for a cast iron fact that behind the exterior was kindness and gentleness and confusion.

I don't think he resented his brother for 'having it easy' in respect of finding happiness and satisfaction and connectedness. He just felt confused by how hard it was for he himself.

I'm always reminding my younger son that the experience of having such a troubled brother was hard for him, too, and that he needs to be kind to himself and take care of himself. So I want to say the same to you, OnceUponACat. Be kind to yourself.

OP posts: