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Bereavement

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Feeling confused as to whether I should go & see nan one last time

95 replies

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 22:11

I know there is no right or wrong answer here, and it is really a very personal decision, but tomorrow is my last chance to see nan before the funeral & I really don't know if I can do it.
Some of my cousins have gone, as well as one of my aunties & my uncle. My mum plans to go & see nan tomorrow, so I kind of feel I really should, but I really don't know if I can handle it.
I know it is my very last chance to see her, but have been warned by my cousin that it doesn't look like nan.
I am scared that I will be haunted with images of her lying there dead rather than the memories I have of nan alive, but at the same time I know this is my very chance to look at her before she's buried.

Has anyone had any experience of this?
My head is all over the place right now. I just don't know what I should do.

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Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 23:06

thank you, lilo

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mummylin2495 · 22/07/2007 23:07

i second what lilo has said to you.wishing you strenght to get through the next couple of days.Its a horrid time for everyone in the family.

lilolilmanchester · 22/07/2007 23:10

just read your last post (well, might not be the last post by now but taking so long to write this, would hate to offend you). I used to remember my Dad in his coffin, and that probably helped the grieving to an extent. But every time I pictured him in the coffin, I used to force myself to switch to happier memories, and soon got absorbed down memory lane. You kind of have to take control of your own thoughts in this situation. Depends whether you think this would work for your or not.

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 23:13

I just don't know if I'm strong enough, lilo

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Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 23:16

I keep wondering if nan would want me to see her though.

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lilolilmanchester · 22/07/2007 23:18

So, sounds to me like you've made your decision? You've written your letter, that's your goodbye to her. But you don't feel up to seeing her. That is absolutely fine. This decision is about you and how you feel, not anyone else. The good thing about this tho is that you can reassure yourself you really have given it a lot of thought, and that will help should you have any niggling doubts in the days to come.

lilolilmanchester · 22/07/2007 23:19

Pink, you posted while I was typing. Your Nan would want you to do what was right for YOU.

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 23:22

I guess she would, lilo. I'm feeling very emotional tonight.

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lilolilmanchester · 22/07/2007 23:28

Of course you are. Sadly, inspite of all the people out here on MN rooting for you, you have to do all the hard work of dealing with this on your own. That's the harsh reality of bereavement. People can support you, but we all deal with grief in different ways, and IME even that will vary according to the person who has died, the circumstances of their death, and your relationship with them. Cry when you need to, talk when you need to, and try to eat and sleep to keep your strength up. You'll need it. The time between death and the funeral is the worst for me. I find funerals really hard, but also an important part of the grieving process. Personally, I tend to start feeling better when the funeral is over.

HonoriaGlossop · 22/07/2007 23:29

lilolil, I loved all your posts on this, you're so right that it is a fleeting memory in what is a lifetime of memories. It's for that reason that I think it's good not to focus too much on this issue;

and it is so personal, Pink, you must only do what you want to do.

if it helps at all, I went to see my grandad when he died as we were close and he was a big part of my life, and I simply wanted to say goodbye to him. I'm glad I went. He was so obviously dead that it was a big help to me in accepting that his life was over. I mean, obviously I knew he was dead but seeing death is different; the stillness is not the same as someone who is deeply asleep and I found that surprising. he was like a stone.

I found it a really powerful thing actually seeing him, because it hit me hard about the supposedly important things of life not actually mattering at all; house, car, work, possessions, stuff we spend all our time on. When I looked at him there the things that leaped out in my mind were only about HIM, his personality, his achievements in terms of bravery and spirit, his being a nurturing dad, and his kids that he left behind him to carry on.

As you can probably tell I'm SO glad I said goodbye, and I still remember my feelings that day and use them to put life in perspective when i'm being drawn down the road of worrying about unimportant stuff.

just a personal view of course - I still think it has to come from you; if you really don't want to, don't. Your nan would want you to remember her exactly how YOU want to.

lilolilmanchester · 22/07/2007 23:35

Pink, really do have to log off now. Am working away over the next few days, so not sure how often I'll be able to get to MN, just incase you think I've gone quiet. But lots of other people out here supporting you. Take care.

lucyellensmum · 22/07/2007 23:36

pinkchampagne, i am so sorry for your loss. I don't think you should go TBH. I lost my dad two years ago, he was ill for a long time and my dad was long gone, iyswim. I insisted on seeing him the day after at the hospice and it still plays on my mind. They did they best they could with him but he looked like a stranger, i was distraught. I went to see him at the funeral place as i couldnt stand for that to be the last image of my dad. I made my DP go in first as i didnt want to see him if he still looked so awful and i am glad i did see him as they worked wonders and made him look like my dad again. Saying all that, given the time over, i would have not gone to see him at all. I should have kept my memories of him as he was long before he died. They asked me if i wanted to be alone with him and i nearly jumped out of the room, i was petrified. Of my own father!

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if your gut feeling is not to go then don't. Your nan will understand and woudlnt want you to be distressed. Please do not go because you feel it is expected, do what you feel is right for you. Maybe you could take a visit to somewhere special to the pair of you, or a special place in her life to connect with her soul. She WILL understand. I know my dad would have rather i didn't see him like that.

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 23:36

Thank you both. I guess there is no right or wrong here & I am crying tonight for either the thought of seeing her lying there lifeless, or the thought that I may not be able to face it, which means I really won't ever see nan again.

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Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 23:39

Thank you for sharing your experience, LEM. My fear is that it will disturb me & that it will overshadow the memories I have of my lovely nan alive.

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Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 23:40

Thank you, lilo.

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lucyellensmum · 22/07/2007 23:41

PC - you do what you feels right for you tomorrow. Just don't be hard on yourself, wake up in the morning, see how you feel, go to the funeral parlour, see how you feel, go with your instinct. Your nan will understand, whatever you decide. Now go and get some sleep and take care of yourself

lucyellensmum · 22/07/2007 23:44

Pink - i have to say this, seeing my dad was not the right thing for me, it does still play on my mind. BUT nothing could overshadow what a wonderful father he was and how much i love and miss him. It will be the same for you, if you do go and it is not so good, it WONT overshadow your memories. It will be tough to deal with at the time but you do get over it. I just don't think you should feel you have to put yourself through it.

Pinkchampagne · 23/07/2007 07:46

Thanks, LEM. I am still feeling knotted up about it all, but have woken up thinking I probably won't be able to do it because I don't think I can handle it. I have a good few hours yet if I decide to change my mind, but this is how I feel right at this moment in time.

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Pinkchampagne · 23/07/2007 08:09

I really don't think I can do it. I feel sad that I won't see nan one last time & I also feel a little guilt, but I'm not feeling strong enough to do this.

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mummylin2495 · 23/07/2007 12:42

it looks like you have come to your decision.You can only do what you feel is right for you.Dont feel any guilt about it.Its every persons right to choose for themselves.Your nan will know you are thinking of her.Why dont you put up a photo of her with a flower by her ? You can remember her as she is in the photo.Take care and my deepest sympathies to you .

hazygirl · 23/07/2007 15:24

thinking of you pc what ever you decide im sure your nan understands x

Kewcumber · 23/07/2007 15:27

don't feel guilty PC - whther you go and see her is entirely for you and not for her. people react very differently to this kind of thign. Ring and talk to someone at cruse if you want to talk to someone who undertsands.

Pinkchampagne · 23/07/2007 16:02

I can't do it, I feel bad, but I can't do it. Have just text my cousin to tell her I don't feel I am strong enough to handle seeing nan. Today is my very last chance, but I don't feel I can do this.

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Kewcumber · 23/07/2007 16:05

I don;t mean to be flippant but you're not going to get a certificate if you go you know. You should do what helps you cope best. Don't stress about this one particular aspect, I'm sure your nan wouldnt want you to.

Howdydoody · 23/07/2007 16:07

Not read whole thread so am sorry if this has been said but I didnt see my nan or grandad - my siblings did but I just knew it wouldnt help me. They knew it would help them. We are all different- you know I think when you should do something.

Have never regretted it. In fact when sibs have spoken of it, I dont think they benefitted from seeing them

Hope things go as well as poss xx