Feeling confused as to whether I should go & see nan one last time

[Pinkchampagne]

I know there is no right or wrong answer here, and it is really a very personal decision, but tomorrow is my last chance to see nan before the funeral & I really don't know if I can do it.
Some of my cousins have gone, as well as one of my aunties & my uncle. My mum plans to go & see nan tomorrow, so I kind of feel I really should, but I really don't know if I can handle it.
I know it is my very last chance to see her, but have been warned by my cousin that it doesn't look like nan.
I am scared that I will be haunted with images of her lying there dead rather than the memories I have of nan alive, but at the same time I know this is my very chance to look at her before she's buried.

Has anyone had any experience of this?
My head is all over the place right now. I just don't know what I should do.

i dont know if you have seen a dead person before but just to reassure you,there is nothing to be frightened of.Of course it is upsetting because its someone you love,but not frightening.

I haven't seen a dead person before

From speaking to my cousin, I know that her hair looks wrong & that she doesn't really look like nan anymore.

Pinkchampagne, if you decide to go and see her it will almost certainly be hard and very painful for you. But grief is hard and painful whatever you decide to do. My personal experience is that seeing the dead person really forces some of the grief out. But I'm me, and you are you. If you do decide to go, really fix the memories you want of her alive in your mind. As edam said, the undertakers do a good job of presenting the bodies. Do you want to know more about how they look?

i cant advise you what to do ,but for myself i have always wanted to say my final goodbye.i dont know why ,in my warped mind i have always thought that maybe they can see me !! how silly is that?

Oh pinkchampange I had this dilema only 2 weeks ago. My Lovely Grandma died after a long illness. All I can say is that I did not want to remember her like that, I wanted to remember her as she was when we were young - telling me it was OK to swim in the Sea in my Pants and Vest and chasing us down the beach. (think I was about 7 at the time).
Do what you want to do, please don't feel pressured to accompany anyone else for their sake, think of yourself for once.
x

I have written her a letter, bonkers as that sounds, just to say what I would have said if I had known she was dying, and want it put in with her.

doesn't sound bonkers, sounds lovely

I think I do need to know more about how her body may look, lilo.

i think that is lovely ,for my grandad we put his favourite cap ,and for my sister all the family put a photo of themselves in with her.

I kind of felt a bit bonkers writing it, but I knew it was something I needed to do. Her death was such a shock for me.

Sorry to hear of your losses, mummylin

its lovely that you loved her so much ,i was the same with my gran ,she was my world and i was shocked when she died ,i thought she would be here for ever,but its a few years ago now and we often laugh about some of the things she used to say. people are never gone,only in their bodily sense but they are always alive in your heart

OK, have only seen 2 myself. Very pale, cold looking skin. And didn't look exactly like them (eg my Dad's mouth wasn't right and my FIL's face was a lot thinner & smaller and both their hair looked different). In a way, I think that helped TBH. Other than that, just like they were at peace and sleeping. Could only see the head, rest covered in silk. Very final, very painful but helpful for me. That's all that I really remember. Perhaps others can add.

On Wednesday I had pretty much decided that I couldn't cope with seeing nan dead, but now I only have one day left to make the final decision, my head is all over the place.

Its something we all have to accept,its not easy at the time,but all i can say it does ease with time.My sisters death really was the worst because she was only 26 and pregnant with her second child ,but even that gets better.At least we had her for a few years,which is better than none.

should add, having seen my Dad and his Dad, my DH debated long and hard whether he should see his mum when she died. Decided eventually that he would, but the so-called 24 hour undertaker wouldn't answer door/phone (after we'd travelled 4 hours to get there) and as it was an early funeral, didn't get to see her. DH I think almost relieved that the decision was taken out of his hands, but just really trying to say we have done it both ways. Whatever decision you make, it will be the right one for you.

You can apparantly see all of my nan because my cousin held her hand & told me she had shoes on.
She told me that nan's mouth & eyes didn't look right, but it has helped her come to terms with the fact nan is not in that body that is being buried on tuesday.

That is so sad, mummylin.

the only thing i can add to lilo,s post is that sometimes the hands are clasped together.You can kiss them or touch them ,but they are very very cold and their skin looks and feels like marble.They are at peace.The room usually has some flowers or candles in it and it is very very peaceful.I hope we are not upsetting you ,im not going to say anymore about it.Hoping you reach your decision soon.

just one more thing ,when my gran died a lady asked me why i was crying in the hospital ,when i told her she said my grans spirit was still alive and that what i could see was just an overcoat.iykwim

PC, sorry to hear about your nan.

I've not read all of the replies, but I lost my dad 3 years ago and went to see him laid out in the funeral home as I felt it was the grown up thing to do, but regret it, as the abiding memory I have of him is lying in the coffin looking like a waxwork copy of himself.

Whenever I think of him, that's the image I see and I have to push it away to make way for the other happier images of him, such as at my wedding two weeks before he died.

Thankfully though, I'd said a goodbye (of sorts) to him the week before when I left my home town for a new life with my DH.

that is what my cousin said, that it was just nan's shell

I am worried I may end up regretting it. Having an image of nan lying dead not looking as I remember her, rather than the memories I have of nan as I remember her alive, is what's really frightening me right now.

Pink, got to go shortly. The main advice I can give you is that whatever decision you make, don't ever look back and wish you'd made a different one. Good and bad about both so go with what feels right for you, not anyone else. Will be thinking of you.