Devastated

[Yappy12]

We had IUI in Jan. 1995 and then a beautiful daughter, Rachel, was born in Oct.1995. I'm her dad but was infertile so we'd to have donor sperm. Sadly she died suddenly a year ago from SADS, sudden adult death syndrome. This is where the heart suddenly stops for no apparent reason, bit like a cot death in a baby. It's usually hereditary so we blame the sperm donor but not much we can do now. We only had one so we're absolutely devastated and our lives are all but over.

I think it’s lovely he came to you. Maybe you can stay in touch with him long term
I know from a widowed friend that it causes such guilt. Doesn’t mean he didn’t love Rachel just means he has had to rebuild the future he thought he had

I'd like to keep in touch with him. His mother's lovely too and is also heartbroken. She treated Rach like the daughter she never had as she has 3 sons. We'd not met her until the night Rachel died when he came first and called her to come too. She was so helpful in the days and weeks afterwards.

Also he gave the eulogy at the funeral. I know it was my job really but asked him if he'd like to do it and he said he'd be honoured. He'd written two poems too so included those and everyone stood and clapped him. Me and him carried her coffin with two pallbearers from the undertakers. We included him in everything as that's what she would have wanted.

You’ll never forget her or stop missing her but it’ll
Be less encompassing eventually
Love the dog and maybe get her a companion ?

No one dog's enough thanks! We looked after another for a month in April/May and it was hard as she was a Staffie, very strong and wilful and daren't take them both out together. Just took them one walk a day each. Ours was funny, looked at her and me every morning as if to say "is she still here?" LOL.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Rachel sounds amazing and so loved.
Keep talking to your GP, they seem very caring. I wonder if the psychiatrist referral could lead to longer term grief therapy? In my area that's how it works and you then see a specially qualified therapist or clinical psychologist. I know nothing can take away your grief, but it could just make life a little less painful.
Take care of yourself.

Had a lovely surprise today. Rachel's friends were coming to see us so they put money each and bought me the Bohemian Rhapsody DVD and some socks for Father's Day so I said they can all be my step-daughters. One said "okay but you have to pay for all our weddings!!" LOL. Maybe not then! Haven't seen the film. They're lovely girls and are still absolutely heartbroken

I'm so sorry Yappy. Rachel's friends sound lovely.

That’s so lovely. Shows how much they think of you

What did you think of the film Yappy?
Can you ask for more help from your gp? I know you have the doggy so are
Outside daily but the sunshine helps
Mental health so
Much. I know you’re not ill, you’re grieving but vitamin d lifts your mood
I know it doesn’t help but you have a bunch of mumsnetters routing for you
I guess it resonates for me so
Much as my daughter isn’t bio mine but she is my everything

Hi. Haven't watched it yet but will do soon. I love Queen so am sure I'll love it. My sister says it's good as they saw it in the cinema.

So sorry for your loss @Yappy12 Rachel sounds like she was a wonderful young lady.
To lose a child at any age must be unbearable, I really do feel for you and your wife.
SADS is sadly more common than people realise, I know two young people that have passed away due to SADS. Life is extremly cruel and wish things could be different for you.
CRY is a great charity that raises awareness of SADS, they do screening across the uk for young people 14-35 years. I know one of the families of the young man I knew do alot to raise awareness of the CRY charity now, so it's great that they can help others, raise awareness while doing it for their son. That's something you could always look to do when you feel able to and the time feels right.
It's sad that you and your wife aren't talking, and this could be the last thing you want to do, but would some time away for the two of you help, even just a change of scenery for a day or two. Maybe not now, but when you feel able too?
I understand how you must feel about not wanting to get up and face the world, but please do seek help from your gp, there's no magic pill that's going to take away the pain but but hopefully they can offer you some help.
Be kind to yourselves.

Hi' We are talking but just don't see each other much as she works Mon to Thu and is out all Fri, Sat and Sun with her friends, either car boot sales, shopping or just at their houses. She said she'd go mad if she just stayed in here.

Do you feel able to do perhaps one of those things with her? Even just a walk round a car boot sale together? did I read you have a little dog? Could even take the dog along too.
Its understandable you don't feel like going out and socialising at the moment, but just some time out together might do you both the world of good. Exercise and (hopefully) abit of sun will help too.

That is so sad, Yappy. I can imagine how devastated you are.

I knew a 24 year old who died some years ago of SADS, didn't know it was hereditary or familial, nobody else in his family had died in that way. His parents, sister and grandad were beside themselves with grief for a long time.

I hope you and your wife are able to support each other in your grief. Remember all the happy times you had with your lovely daughter. x

Oh my goodness I'm so so sorry.

Sorry for your loss Yappy12
I've also lost a Dd. No parent should have to bury their child it's heartbreaking.Hope your happy memories of Rachel can bring you some comfort.

Thanks.

Rachelover40. It's usually hereditary but not always, He could have been first in the line. We've had none in either side of our families either. It's basically a problem with the elctrical impulses of the brain, a time bomb waiting to go off.

Sorry, electrical rhythm of the heart.

Hello. I am so sorry for your loss. I have also lost a child. My son who was 28 and died almost three years ago.

I have found help and comfort from The Grief Recovery Programme. It's a seven week course that you can do either individually with a guider, or as part of a group. It's a bit American ( sorry america!) but it's a tried and tested route through a grief journey ( told you it was American !) but I have found it helpful. The fact it was for 7 weeks fitted my thoughts as I think if I went to counselling it would be never ending as I could witter on about my son and never really come to a conclusion.

If you google grief recovery uk you should be able to find someone near you who will be able to help.

My son loved life, and loved me. We have established a research scholarship in his name ( he had lots of mental health problems) which feels like a positive contribution and have had a beautiful oak bench with his name on it in a local beauty spot where he used to mess about as a teenager.

He was a very complicated character. There's isn't an hour a day when I dont think about him. I miss him so very much. But he wouldn't want me to be miserable. He really wouldn't. He'd want me out there. Making my mark to make the world a slightly better place if I could.

Please try and get some help. And please try and get out there. I think done volunteer work would put a bit of focus back in your life. There's enough lives being wasted in our lives. Don't let yours be another one.

Good luck and take care.

Thanks. I'll look in to that.

If you are feeling strong enough you could ask Rachel’s friends over to watch a film together. It is hard being a grieving friend and wanting to reach out to the parents of the lost loved one, it’s hard to find a good situation to meet up. She sounds a wonderful person with a lovely group of friends. Take care.

Sorry for your loss. I lost a friend to long qt syndrome (assumed based on genetic tests of family) in my 20s. It still feels very unfair, and I can relate to people not understanding that apparently healthy young people can and do just die. We had to give multiple statements to the police and deal with the rumour mill. It's sadly not that uncommon but i think awareness is increasing. I noticed that Tesco currently has Cardia Risk in the Young as part of its Centenary Grant Initiatives. What was hardest for me in my friends case was the condition is treatable if diagnosed but for many the first symptom is death.

Yes, Rachel's could have been Long QT. but there's a few similar rare heart conditions that can cause sudden death. As she had no children or siblings no-one's being tested. One symptom is fainting and she did faint a few times but always at her boyfriend's and just assumed it was her period or hot weather. She never told us. They can treat it with beta blockers and a heart valve too but as you say, for most the first you know is death.