Devastated

[Yappy12]

We had IUI in Jan. 1995 and then a beautiful daughter, Rachel, was born in Oct.1995. I'm her dad but was infertile so we'd to have donor sperm. Sadly she died suddenly a year ago from SADS, sudden adult death syndrome. This is where the heart suddenly stops for no apparent reason, bit like a cot death in a baby. It's usually hereditary so we blame the sperm donor but not much we can do now. We only had one so we're absolutely devastated and our lives are all but over.

Just wanted to pop by to say we're so sorry for your loss, Yappy. We can't imagine much that's harder to deal with. Your daughter sounds like a really smart and fun young woman. What a terrible loss for you all.

We hope you don't mind but we're going to move your thread over to out bereavement boards. There are lots more really lovely and supportive Mumsnetters over there who will understand and have experience of the grief process you're working through.

You sound heartbroken and no wonder. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thirteen months really isn't long so don't worry about still feeling so broken. The death of a child is the hardest of bereavements to bear.

You said that you had bereavement counselling. How many sessions did you have and how soon after your daughter's death? I wonder if you'd consider trying again when the time feels right? You may find it more helpful second time round after some time has passed.

She sounds like she was a lovely young woman. Take care

I had just 6 one hour sessions as that's all you're allowed free here. That was in January. My wife won't go as she says they can't do anything ie bring her back.

I'm so sorry, she sounds lovely.

My friend lost her 21 year old son to SADs too, he was also an only child. Life is so cruel

Forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn, but would you and your wife get any comfort from moving to Asia? The life that you treasured here has gone but could you somehow find a different life rather than merely existing as you are now. To start again, with Rachel's dog, on a continent that she had visited would be honouring her passion for life.

Could you occupy yourself doing charity or voluntary work in Asia - another way of honouring your beloved daughter.

I'm a similar age to you, so you might be familiar with a song from the 80s by a band called Big Country. There's a line that came to mind when I was reading your posts:

"I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered but you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered ...
I'm not expecting to grow flowers in the desert, but I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime"

Again, apologies if my suggestions offend you. I have one daughter (14) and she is my life.

I wouldn't ever go to live in Asia as it's far too hot for me. Rachel loved it though. When wife retires she says she'll go back to Philippines for good as she has a house there too. So if I'm still alive I'll be on my own here.

☹️

So sorry OP

That sounds sad OP. Has your relationship with your wife broken down?

It hasn't been good for a few years actually. Funnily enough we haven't argued much since Rachel died. We hardly talk at all. I rarely see her as she works 4 days then on the three that she's off she goes to her friend's from 9am to 11pm and says it helps her to be with people. I'm alone just crying and thinking.

No-one has any idea how we feel. My family Dr, GP here in the UK, is so nice and keeps ringing me to see how I am and wants to refer me to psychiatric services but what can they do? I'm not going mad but just want Rachel back. Gone at 22. I'll never come to terms with it. People say time heals but nearly 14 months on I'm worse than ever. Every time I take her little dog out I'm crying all the way. Look down at her and realise she'll never see Rachel again and vice-versa. Said to her today "Where's Rachel?" and she looked upstairs and then back at me. Am sure she still thinks she's in her room as we won't let her in there. I would but wife's changed carpet and moved bed and made a sort of shrine.

So heart breaking

Rachel died 20th April last year and had a week's holiday to Greece booked for end of May with 3 friends. She'd booked it all. They all wanted to cancel and they had insurance and I rang them and they said they'd pay out to me as her next of kin, on compassionate grounds, as one of the four had tragically died suddenly but needed a copy of the death certificate. However we persuaded them to go in the end as she out of them all was looking forward to it the most and we think she'd want them to still go. They got another friend to go and the travel firm waived any extra fees to change the name. They released balloons over a lake their and held photos of her constantly and displayed them at the breakfast table, in restaurants etc.

They sound like lovely friends that are also grieving. I'm sorry for your loss Yappy. Do you still work?

I am so, so sorry, that is a tragic story. I know a couple who lost a 24 year old son to same a few years back, absolutely heartbreaking.

Cherish her memory.

Thanks for all your replies. No I took early retirement a couple of years ago. Glad I did as just couldn't have gone to work like this. I do all the shopping, laundry, cleaning, cooking and dog-walking etc.My wife works 4 long days but still can't bear going Fridays as that was the day Rachel died.

Yes, there were four friends who met the first day in school in reception class and have kept up ever since. They're absolutely heartbroken still, just like us. They used to visit us every month but haven't been for 7 weeks, seem to be dropping off a bit but they've got their own lives, boyfriends, jobs etc.

Could you maybe volunteer somewhere? Hospice, school? I know that sounds a little trite but you're still a relatively young man with a lot to offer - too much time alone with your thoughts may not be the best path for you particularly if your marriage is not happy

My life just doesn't mean anything any more. As soon as the little dog dies then I'm out of this world the same day. I have it all planned but can't leave this dog with my wife as she'd never walk her, never has once, and would just leave her in all day, 12 hours whilst she's at work. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. Would just stay in bed all day if it wasn't for the dog pawing me to let her out for a wee and feed her. Wife went to a bbq today and I was invited but just refused to go. Why should I even think of having any enjoyment when Rachel's gone in a flash like that? I'm so bitter too. Will never attend another wedding as Rachel can never get married. Sorry if that is wrong. I know it is but that's how I feel. That includes her friends and my nephew and niece. Wife can go where she likes but I won't go. My GP says I'm depressed as well as grieving and is going to refer me to the psychiatric services.

Oh Yappy12 I’m so sorry for your loss. Please carry on seeing your GP and let him/her guide you moving forward. You’re going through a terrible time, please use all the support you can around you including us here. We’re always here to listen. Be kind to yourself, I didn’t know your lovely daughter of course so please don’t think I’m out of turn by suggesting this but maybe she wouldn’t have wanted for you to be suffering so much as you’re doing now. Take care of yourself.

Spend more time outside now the weather is improving- it’ll help your mood
Please ring the Samaritans and talk when you’re low
You were obviously a fantastic dad and Rachel would want you to remember the happy times and rebuild some semblance of life.
Whereabouts roughly are you?
I’m in SE Kent by the sea

This has brought me to tears I am so genuinely so sorry for your loss :( I’ve never faced such a thing but maybe you could try thinking what your beautiful daughter would say to you in a time like this? I don’t know you but I am thinking of you

Tragic. Losing your girl is just terrible. And it's no wonder you are struggling. Grief will take its time and its course and will be there forever. You are brimming with love that you wanted to give your girl and that's all swirling around with only the memory to attach itself to.
The only thing I can suggest is to try to start put a different meaning to your life now in honour of her. You have started by looking after her little dog. Can you gently start to channel that emotion and love into something that will help other people? For example walking others' dogs for them? Volunteering at the charity that offers support for people suffering as you are? Volunteering to read with kids at your local school who may be struggling. Something to honour your girl, something that she'd be proud of.
It won't take the pain away but it may bring some intermittent relief from the onslaught of grief; and from what you've said about your beautiful girl she'd want you to live a meaningful life.
I don't know if it helps but my little brother died suddenly aged 4 with no previous illness. The shock is terrible. The shockwaves are terrible. Now when I do things in my life I partly do them for him. I do the things he couldn't. It almost feels like a duty to do that - that if I had 'wasted' my life by not living full pelt that it would have been a double tragedy of 2 lives lost, if that makes sense? . I think of him often and now -forty years later- I still think of him with a smile and with a heart full of love. He was beautiful.

Hugs

I'm so sorry. I lost my sister 3 years ago, and I have to tell you the second year was worse than the first. I think there is a kind of numbness that gets you through for a bit and then wears off and you are left with the reality that this is it forever. Are there any bereaved parents groups you could join? I know it's helped me to talk to other people in the same situation, even if it only on Facebook.

Hi Yappy,I've been reading your thread but have been unable to post as it's something I find very hard to talk about most of the time,plus I struggle to string a sentence together most days ,let alone write one .

I am so very sorry for the death of your beloved daughter,I am in the same position,after the death of my daughter,though a little further on .

My daughter was also 22,She was home from uni preparing to go away to study for a year .
I went into her bedroom to see why she wasn't up & found her on the floor ,it was already to late for us to help her.
That day is with me still ,every moment,it is something I will never get over .

She died on 1st September 2017 ,still I am in shock & don't think I've had chance to grieve.
After 13 weeks,they came to the conclusion that she died from SADS ,I still find this very difficult to accept.

I don't know what advice I can give ,I can't look to the future so take each day as it comes .
I would suggest contacting CRY though ,they have private groups for mums and dads who's children have died from SADS.
They also offer support over the telephone from parents who've been through what we have .
I am not able to let anyone in yet ,I think it's a process that's different for each person.

I hope today is a better day Yappy ,take care

QED. I'm in East Ham, East London.

Watcherofthenight. So sorry about your daughter.