Devastated

[Yappy12]

We had IUI in Jan. 1995 and then a beautiful daughter, Rachel, was born in Oct.1995. I'm her dad but was infertile so we'd to have donor sperm. Sadly she died suddenly a year ago from SADS, sudden adult death syndrome. This is where the heart suddenly stops for no apparent reason, bit like a cot death in a baby. It's usually hereditary so we blame the sperm donor but not much we can do now. We only had one so we're absolutely devastated and our lives are all but over.

Hey watcher i remember about your dd too. How terrible it’s happened again, that it happens
Cherish the dog Yappy, what is it?
We have a ridiculous chihuahua

Hi ,Thank you QOD,
I do remember you from my thread .
It is so awful that it's still happening,and so often. Every week another 12 at least ,every Friday I think of all the other families who've lost someone precious.

This last week in my local area alone ,there was an 18 year old girl who died & also an 18 month old who went into arrhythmia.
Thankfully the little one survived and has been fitted with a pacemaker.

I do try and raise awareness when I feel strong enough, the screening days we started with a local charity for younger children are fully booked every time but still it's hard getting the word out about these hidden conditions & there isn't enough funding for research.

My wife's sister and niece, 22, came over from Philippines last year for 6 months, from mid-June to mid-Dec and it helped us a bit having others here. Was hectic though with extra cooking and laundry but they were helpful. It's not easy to get a visitor's visa from there as they may think the young one especially will just disappear and not go home, especially as she's got no job, house of her own, or any real ties there. However we were lucky and they were allowed in after an interview together, on compassionate grounds to support us and attend the funeral. We took them out a lot after the funeral and they enjoyed seeing London too.

QED. Your dog's so cute! Evie's a pocket Beagle, 6 years old, so could have up to 8 more years left still. They're a bit smaller than standard Beagles. Rachel chose her.

WatcherOfTheNight. Yes, there's about 600 Sads cases a year just in the UK. Thousands every year in the US and all over the world.

Did your daughter ever faint? That can be a sign. Rachel's bf said she fainted three times at his house but never told us and never went to the Dr. Sometimes they'll send them for an angiogram but it doesn't always show anything up. It's a time bomb just waiting to happen really.

Hi op. Very sorry to hear what happened to your daughter. My husband passed away very suddenly at aged 34 so understand somewhat what you are going through. I have 2 small kids but have often felt I'd rather not be around if it wasn't for them. It's just constant misery and pain. One thing after the next and I get no let up. I'm 3 years down the line and everyone else just wants to move on and put it behind. Maybe they are right, what good is it to relive it and bring down the tone of all conversations. Life is cruel. Life is unfair. It just is. What can we do only burden the pain. Trudge along and get through it day by day . Eventually it does get easier but never goes away. You are left with a life sentence. I guess you could try turn things around by reaching out to others who have experienced something similar and offer support

Hi Footoo. Very sorry to hear about your husband. 34 is no age as 22 isn't. You're right that life can be very cruel and unfair. Some people live to 80, 90, even hundred and some lovely people are taken young when they could have given so much to the world. You always think these things happen to other people - until it happens to you too. The number of people who have never heard of SADS amazes me. If you say "Adult cot death" as the priest was telling people then they understand. I'd heard of it but it's like my uncle in Ireland said, he had heard of it too but never knew anyone who'd died from it.

I’m so sorry @Yappy I am sitting on be sofa crying after losing my only daughter to stillbirth early this year. I’m devastated but cannot imagine losing a child at age 22. I cannot imagine anything worse. I think it does seem other people go back to “normality” soon after something like but I’m sure it doesn’t mean they don’t care or aren’t thinking of you. In my experience I have found sometimes people just don’t know what to say but please talk about your daughter and how you are feeling here if it would help

We do care. About all of them.

Hugs Alice 🤗 😢

Hi Alice. Sorry about your baby. x Yes I know people care but they don't know what to say now after a year. Our neighbours have said that. People say "are you better now?" but I haven't been ill. One phrase I hate is people saying "Chris she's in a better place now" What better place could there be at 22 than still here with us?" She'd just graduated, passed her driving test and inherited a large sum of money from my cousin but had no time to spend any. We've got half each but it means nothing and we can't bear to spend a penny of it. My wife said last night that she hopes she dies naturally very soon as she has nothing to live for now, just years and years of grieving. I feel eactly the same. Hate every day and everything is just a huge effort. At the moment I have to force myself out of bed at 7am for this little dog's sake otherwise I wouldn't get up until lunch-time. A dog won't wait til then to wee and eat though.

I have never experienced anything like this so I can only imagine the horror - life must feel unbearable. I have only one child can too, and I always say that losing her is the on thing I simply could not endure - I think I would run mad.
One thing that strikes me is that I wonder if you would consider some help from the dr - maybe some anti-depressants, if the dr feels they would be appropriate. Obviously they don’t actually stop you feeling things (and nor, I’m sure, would you want them to), but the best way I can explain is that they can sort of cushion you from the worst of your feelings, slightly, if they just become unbearable. They can also help you take a bit of pleasure in small things again, even when going through the hardest times. I know i’m just a random stranger on the internet, but please think about it. Your pain and suffering are absolutely palpable, and I am worried that if you don’t get some form of respite from them soon, they will break you. Good luck!

I'm already on Citalopram, have been for years and the Dr. won't change them without me seeing a psychiatrist. My wife hardly sleeps and keeps getting migraine so sees the Dr. for that but won't take sleeping tablets or see a grief counsellor.

I feel the same Yappy ,I say the same to my DH.
I am only here because I know my Ds wouldn't cope with losing me as well,he's not doing very well as it is .
He's suffering from traumatic grief we've been told ,which isn't surprising with what he witnessed at just 10 years old .
He missed school again Monday ,he sobbed all day .

It's is Birthday next week ,it's so hard to try and make some sort of celebration when she should be here making a fuss of him & doing his birthday cake .

I'm glad you've got her little dog ,they do help with keeping you in some sort of routine & I find comfort in mine .

Sorry ,In answer to your question,no Ash never fainted ,not that we know of anyway but I'm sure she would've said if it happened at uni.

All our tests have come back clear ,Ds isn't able to have them all yet as he's not old enough.
The paediatric cardiologist says he will have more tests as he's older and will be monitored for life .
I'm petrified it will happen again .

Well it CAN be hereditary but not necessarily. If it was with Rachel then it must be from the sperm donor as there are no sudden deaths in wife's family. We had to be honest with Coroner's office and tell them how she was conceived. Fainting can be a sign but then you can have an angiogram and nothing at all shows up or there can be no signs whatsoever.

Oh Yappy people do say silly things but I think they are trying to help. I know my situation is a bit different to yours but I have found myself annoyed with friends and family for saying the wrong thing - for telling me time heals and it will get better (how do they know? maybe it won’t), for prattling I’m about mundane things as if I’m thinking of anything else, for not getting in touch at all for months and then telling me it’s because they “didn’t want to intrude”. These things do bother me but I try not to let it eat away at me as I’m sure I wouldn’t know what to say if the boot was on the other foot. I would now as i know how it feels to lose something precious, to want to talk about her, to be unable to think of anything else and feel like other people think I should have moved on by now.

I also don’t gain comfort from “shes in a better place” or “she was too good for this world”. I’ve even heard “she’ll come back”!!

Do you find the counselling helps?

I am so sorry for your loss Yappy12.
I am almost 3 years on from losing my son, aged 27.
This board and all the kind MNers got me through the early days and months.
It is so, so hard to lose a precious child. We lose all our hopes and dreams with them.
You are not alone. There are so many of us. We understand.

No I didn't find the counselling helped at all. You're only allowed 6 sessions so had those in Jan/Feb.

Haven't heard "she'll come back yet"

Have you come across The Compassionate Friends? It's for parents and families who've lost a child suddenly, including adult children. I've had two brothers who've died and my Parents have found TCF helpful, both a local group and going to a national weekend meetup. My dad particularly has found it helpful to meet and talk to other men who'd had similar experiences of bereavement. I know there were parents whose young adult children had died suddenly and unexpectedly. All the best to you

I am so sad for your loss. Last year I lost a very close relative at the age of 25. It was awful and I miss him every minute of every day. But I truly believe that people left behind have to try and enjoy the life we have been given that was so cruelly denied them. Rachel would not want you to suffer in this way - no one would who had such a loving relationship with you. All the cliches are true - take each day at a time.

I have joined just to post this message. My brother died in his sleep (SADS) on 5 December 1997. He was 27 and was the most loved person I have ever known. It was literally standing room only at his funeral. Life has honestly never been the same. I now have a 17year old daughter that will never know her fantastic Uncle. My mum and dad have had to live over 20 years without their son. Life has truly never been what it would have been had my brother lived. However there truly have been joyful moments still ( though always tinged with sadness). What has always kept us going is the knowledge that my db really lived to make the most of every moment and would have wanted us to do the same. Your description of your dd sounds very similar. I hope that you manage to find the peace and ( in time) joy in life that your dd would have wanted you to xx

Oh @Yappy12 I'm so sorry for your loss, reading this thread is heartbreaking. So sad for you and your poor wife. hugs x

Rachel's boyfriend came round last night to see us as he wanted to tell us something before we heard it elsewhere. He's seeing another girl now, mutual friend of him and Rach. As he says he has to move on and can't remain a monk so am not upset at all but my wife says it's still too soon and told him it shouldn't be a girl that Rachel kinew. He says at least she understands as she's grieving for her too. It's 14 months now anyway. He said he'll never ever forget Rachel or stop caring for her but it's not his fault she died and he's still heartbroken. They were together 7 years! I think it was good of him to come and tell us himself.

It was good of him to come and tell you. I can understand why your wife (or even both of you) would find it difficult though.

I am so very sorry about the loss of your daughter Yappy. It's heartbreaking.

I agree that it was considerate of your daughters boyfriend to come and tell you that he has a new girlfriend.

Please look after yourself.

I am so sorry that you and your wife are going through what must just be a never ending living nightmare. I’m so sorry you’ve lost your lovely daughter. Life is so cruel. I wish I could say something that would help but I know there’s nothing. Big hugs