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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

DH has died

88 replies

Namehanger · 13/04/2019 19:17

My husband died on Wednesday night after a three year battle against cancer. About two weeks ago they stopped treatment and we started to access palliative care. Bit the final end was much quicker than we anticipated, it happened in a day and was confusing and distressing.

We have 2 teenage boys, we thought we had more time. And although they knew he had cancer we had not briefed them that the treatment had finally failed. There dad did speak to them both briefly, but an hour later he was dead.

The eldest (17)is quite sanguine and does not appear to be too upset, whilst the youngest (15) who was close to his dad is shattered. Also they are due to do A levels and GCSE'S in May / June.

Doing my best to give them space and security, whilst grieving but interested in any experience.

Thanks for listening

OP posts:
Hearhere · 13/04/2019 22:08

I'm so sorry for your loss💐
I want to pick up on an earlier point about routines, I think they can be very helpful, can make you feel held in a kind of structure, framework, something to hold onto like a handrail to navigate the stairs and keep you safe

stucknoue · 13/04/2019 22:15

So sorry Thanks

On a practical note write to the schools following Easter (you may need a scanned copy of the death certificate) and the school can let the exam boards know, also ucas (if applicable).

There's organisations that can help them going forward if they would like to talk to someone

LesLavandes · 13/04/2019 22:28

I am so sorry OP. 💐.,on a practical note, you must contact the school. They will help to guide your sons re their public exams. It will take that pressure off you.

Take care. 🌸

Original poster
Namehanger · 13/04/2019 23:10

Wow so much good advice. So many people with stories of their own. I feel humbled that you have shared them with me.

Watching After Life by Ricky Gervais.

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AdoraBell · 13/04/2019 23:13

So sorry for your loss 💐

Mintandthyme · 13/04/2019 23:15

Am so sorry
My sisters husband died recently - his girls are 16,13 and 6
We are navigating grief and loss
It’s very hard

Sweetheart1313 · 13/04/2019 23:18

So sorry for your loss FlowersFlowers

2ofstedsin24weeksistakingthep · 13/04/2019 23:34

Namehanger I watched that just after Dad died and found it strangely comforting and funny. Due to the context I didn't feel bad laughing.

Some very kind posters on here recommended seeing the death of my dad as a life complete, rather than a life ended. Only a subtle difference in thinking but makes a whole world of difference!

MyElbowIsItchy · 13/04/2019 23:40

My sympathies to you and your boys 💐

Original poster
Namehanger · 13/04/2019 23:46

Hubby was 59, he was funny, smart, charismatic, disorganized, annoying, shit with money, artistic, loyal & kind.
He was completing an OU course and was writing right up to the end.
He had travelled all over the world through work and had friends everywhere. Reading there posts is comforting.

OP posts:
LegoPiecesEverywhere · 13/04/2019 23:51

I am so sorry for you and your children. I cannot imagine how you feel.

minniemoll · 14/04/2019 00:02

My husband had cancer, he had treatment for 18 months then they said there was nothing else they could do but he should have six months left; two weeks later he was dead. At first I raged that his time had been taken away, but then I was grateful that the end was quick and that he didn't spend his last months deteriorating and needing more and more care - he was at home until the night before he died, and was out the day before that.

I took time to come down afterwards, I'd been coping for so long that I just carried on, but then I crashed. My GP was a huge help, he arranged counselling and was there whenever I needed him, but ultimately it was time that healed.

Thinking of you all ❤️

Hearhere · 14/04/2019 00:03

sounds like a full life, a flourishing life, he picked up the ball and he ran with it!
💐

SnowsInWater · 14/04/2019 00:04

So sorry for your loss. There is nothing anyone can say to make things better, be kind to yourself and take all offers of support/help for you and your boys. They will have their own grief journey xx

Nofunkingworriesmate · 14/04/2019 00:11

The school will offer lots of support keep them fully in the loop
Sometimes their mobk exam results can be used to give them results in stead of the exam in June

Contact cAMHs urgently for the self harming one if you haven’t already
There are charities like winstons wish who help grieving kids
Get counselling for yourself as it gives you a safe place where you don’t have to keep your shit together and will make you
stronger for them
Sending All the love strength in the world , it’s so unfair xxx

Cherrysherbet · 14/04/2019 00:12

I’m so sorry for your loss 💐

Original poster
Namehanger · 14/04/2019 00:38

Hearhere - yes a full life. He coached my youngest football team (under 8) and once flew back from the states do that he could do Saturday coaching / Sunday match and then flew back that night to the States to teach the rest of the course. Totally nutter.

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Horsemad · 14/04/2019 07:14

Aah, Name I love that he did that for the football team!
What a ⭐🙂

I am sorry for your loss Flowers

Decormad38 · 14/04/2019 07:18

Oh sorry to hear of the loss of your DH op. It was a sudden death in reality even though you knew it was coming. So it’s no wonder you are left feeling confused. Try to access any counselling to talk through this. The boys will be fine as you are there for them but it takes time Flowers

nrpmum · 14/04/2019 07:26

Winston's Wish might be worth contacting. They help children who have lost a parent or sibling.

cptartapp · 14/04/2019 07:32

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have boys of very similar ages who lost their GM (not the same I know) in very tragic and unexpected circumstances the day before DS2 started high school. School were great. They will have experience of dealing with this.
Wishing you all strength, Flowers

amroc18 · 14/04/2019 07:33

So sorry for your loss xxFlowers

FrozenMargarita17 · 14/04/2019 08:04

Ah op sending you all the ThanksCakeBrew in the world. You poor things x

IkickedtheBigC · 14/04/2019 10:45

I'm so sorry.
Posts like this really affect me as I'm feeling emotionally guilty that Ive been given the all clear, though I have 5 years of surveillance to get through and that's both daunting and scary.
All I can add is take time to be kind to yourself. Your boys and you need to take time to grieve, and there's no set time for this. You will stumble upon a new 'normal' and life will carry on......
Sending lots of love x x x

Original poster
Namehanger · 14/04/2019 10:55

Ikicked - don't feel guilty, medical science is amazing these day. Enjoy your renewed life.
Right from the start we knew the odds were stacked against us. He had a high risk, tricky, incurable cancer but he fought to the end... Just been looking through his phone and computer, he was so disorganized he deleted nothing. Big hug hubby

OP posts: