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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

DH has died

88 replies

Namehanger · 13/04/2019 19:17

My husband died on Wednesday night after a three year battle against cancer. About two weeks ago they stopped treatment and we started to access palliative care. Bit the final end was much quicker than we anticipated, it happened in a day and was confusing and distressing.

We have 2 teenage boys, we thought we had more time. And although they knew he had cancer we had not briefed them that the treatment had finally failed. There dad did speak to them both briefly, but an hour later he was dead.

The eldest (17)is quite sanguine and does not appear to be too upset, whilst the youngest (15) who was close to his dad is shattered. Also they are due to do A levels and GCSE'S in May / June.

Doing my best to give them space and security, whilst grieving but interested in any experience.

Thanks for listening

OP posts:

Original poster

Namehanger · 16/04/2019 07:59

So a couple big days later I think I am going to get counseling. Didn't think I was going to, but it is like a huge weight hanging on my chest every morning.

Also it is important to set an example to the boys. Do I force them to sit down with a counselor or wait? I know the answer is wait but that will be difficult.

OP posts:

Rollindowntheroad · 16/04/2019 08:06

OP.

PotteringAlong · 16/04/2019 08:06

Don’t force them

MrsMozartMkII · 16/04/2019 11:58

Counseling may well be a good step for you lass.

As for the boys, I believe there's a specialist group to help children.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 16/04/2019 12:15

There’s also www.griefencounter.org.uk where they can chat online or text 08088020111. This is a new service, funded by MSE Martin Lewis whose mum died when he was 12.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 16/04/2019 12:16

to you and your family

Rollindowntheroad · 16/04/2019 12:24

A couple of others if or when needed

childbereavementuk.org/young-people/

www.winstonswish.org

They do days out with other bereaved families etc.

Ditto66 · 16/04/2019 12:42

@namehanger so sorry for your loss. Your DH sounds like a wonderful man and your DC and you will always have him in your hearts.

My DH died 3 years ago this week - also cancer, we also thought we'd have more time. Also have 2 DDs aged 14 and 17 at the time.

17 yo did not want her teachers to be informed at all and I honoured that. Informed school of course and 14 yo went to same school and did want everyone to know. 17 yo also had exams due and buried herself in study and did very well. 14 yo has struggled more, was v emotional and often tearful at school.

Listen to them and honour their wishes, that's all I can say. We all respond differently to grief and there's no right or wrong way. We went to one group counselling session at the hospice and it was ok but not worth repeating. 14 yo had some counselling but did not find it helpful. Counselling was not helpful for me until 2 years on.

What was more helpful was just a philosophy of taking one day at a time. Accepting help, seeing friends, taking care of basic needs: nutrition, exercise. Deep grief like this is as much a physical as an emotional pain.

3 years on both DC are doing well. They both have a strength and depth that comes from great loss. They're a credit to their dad. We probably talk about him every day.

MrsAitch13 · 16/04/2019 17:59

@Namehanger I am so terribly sorry for your loss. You will feel like you are walking through fog at the moment and all you can do is get through each day the best you can.

My DH died in February so I'm a little bit ahead of you and I don't have children.

When you feel ready can I recommend you look at WAY (widowed and young) who are all people in your situation and "get it".

I joined way up (for over 50's) and the support I have received has got me through the worst of days.

I wish you love and strength x

Original poster

Namehanger · 17/04/2019 08:31

So I have booked the chapel and cemetery. I have made it family only, it is quite small 30-40 people.
The idea is to have another celebration for friends and family after the boys exams are finished in June. More of a wake.

Now I think am I over complicating things, it is not like DH had a huge social scene. There is a cricket club round the corner that we could use. Or should I just open up the invite for the burial to friends?

What did everyone do ?

OP posts:

Ditto66 · 17/04/2019 09:31

We had a cremation and just opened it to everyone. Got a double slot in the crem so we could have a longer ceremony. Reception after with buffet. We had a fairly relaxed picnic by a memorial tree we planted at the one year mark - invited just family and close friends to that.

Do what feels right for you.

echt · 18/04/2019 00:33

So sorry for your loss, Namehanger.

Teawaster · 21/04/2019 18:54

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I could have written your post a couple of years ago. My DH died on a Sunday night , having been told for certain on Friday that no more treatment was going to be given . Like you , we thought we had more time and although my teenage twin sons knew that DH had cancer , we wanted to avoid telling them the worst until we had to , as they were about to do GCSE’s and we hoped DH had longer . At the time I wished I had prepared them a bit earlier , especially as DT2 was very upset but we did what we thought was best and looking back now I’m ok with that . DT1 was not very weepy and didn’t appear very shocked. I think he had his suspicions for a while that things weren’t going well. 2 years later and he is still the same, still hasn’t cried much but I know he thinks of his dad often and often wonders what he would have thought of things. DT2 who has ASD was actually far more upset than I had expected and has suffered more during the last 2 years. He was very close to DH but because of his condition , he doesn’t have too many friends and his interests were very connected to his Dad’s as they were interested in similar things.
Both boys did very well at GCSE’s and were able to focus on exams in the months after DH died. They are now doing A levels . I would be lying if I said things were easy for them but they are both enthusiastic about their futures . I know I have been grumpy and irritable at times, having to deal with their grief and the usual teenage angst on my own but I hope they know they are loved. I had always been close to DT1 but we seem to be constantly at each other’s throats these days . I am hopeful this will pass. Go easy on yourself and make time for you. I have found that Teenagers have a habit of blaming the closest person to them which will be you and when I did find time for myself and started to enjoy life a bit again this didn’t go down too well . But they do realise I need a life too and it’s often a defensive tactic

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