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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

DH has died

88 replies

Namehanger · 13/04/2019 19:17

My husband died on Wednesday night after a three year battle against cancer. About two weeks ago they stopped treatment and we started to access palliative care. Bit the final end was much quicker than we anticipated, it happened in a day and was confusing and distressing.

We have 2 teenage boys, we thought we had more time. And although they knew he had cancer we had not briefed them that the treatment had finally failed. There dad did speak to them both briefly, but an hour later he was dead.

The eldest (17)is quite sanguine and does not appear to be too upset, whilst the youngest (15) who was close to his dad is shattered. Also they are due to do A levels and GCSE'S in May / June.

Doing my best to give them space and security, whilst grieving but interested in any experience.

Thanks for listening

OP posts:
Awks · 13/04/2019 20:02

I am so very sorry. Don't know what to say except to acknowledge your loss and wish you all the very best as you negotiate the next few months xxxx

Billben · 13/04/2019 20:03

I am so sorry for your loss 😢

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 13/04/2019 20:03

I am sorry for your loss Thanks

Crunched · 13/04/2019 20:04

Sending you and the boys my thoughts.
I lost my Father as a teenager and probably appeared pretty sanguine to my DM but inside I was distraught.
Do whatever you need to cope at this sad time and give your DS’s permission to do the same Flowers

Perty01234 · 13/04/2019 20:06

So sorry for your loss OP, see if school can put something in place re them speaking to someone there about their DF.
It will be a difficult time as your youngest might act out more but will be his way of coping. Sending you lots of strength 🌺🌺
Do you have a good support system in place for yourself?

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 13/04/2019 20:06

My sympathy to you and your sons. Flowers
They will talk when they’re ready.
If you can keep life as normal as possible, this helps. There can be a kind of comfort in doing mundane routine stuff. Please speak to them and keep them informed.
Without expressing it, the boys may be scared of losing you too now. They’ll want to protect you, and they’re likely to be feeling very anxious and uncertain.
They may want to put up walls off to avoid feeling the pain of loss again. Or they might need more affection and contact, to feel protected.
It's all right to feel sad or tired, nobody has to put a brave face on all the time.
I hope you have good support too x

user1486131602 · 13/04/2019 20:18

I am so sorry for your loss; also sorry that there wasn't enough time.
It's going to be a ruff ride for a while. Try to just be their mother, not their friend, your sons will work things out their own way. But, will always need their mum. Your younger son may just straighten up sometimes a shock will do that.
Sending you all hugs 🤗 love ❤️ and sympathies xx

Original poster
Namehanger · 13/04/2019 20:21

Thank you. I have good friends.

Now he has gone, I realise how chaotic our lives had become. The hospital visits, the inpatients, him sleeping on the sofa because he couldn't walk to our bedroom. He made no provisions, no letters to the boys - they must feel deserted.

OP posts:
KeyboardplayerXXX · 13/04/2019 20:26

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in April 2017. My daughter was 15 and about to take her GCSEs. Please learn from my mistakes of "keeping going". We took no time off school or work and suffered for it, albeit, not until a year or so after. Take your time. Don't be rushed. My daughter, somehow did amazingly in her GCSEs and we asked for Exam Consideration. If you can access bereavement counselling through your local hospice please do. They will offer amazing support Thanks

feliciabirthgiver · 13/04/2019 20:27

So sorry for you all, exams can easily be re-taken, let everyone grieve at their own pace and put the stress of exams to one side for now. We are all here for you Thanks

Original poster
Namehanger · 13/04/2019 20:58

The hospice were lovely, not sure my boys will agree to counseling though.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 13/04/2019 21:00

I'm so so sorry for your loss OP Flowers

MadisonAvenue · 13/04/2019 21:03

I'm so sorry OP Flowers

Jamhandprints · 13/04/2019 21:05

So sorry OP.

SingaSong12 · 13/04/2019 21:06

So sorry for what has happened. I have no experience to offer. Flowers

www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/for-parents/teenagers-understanding-of-death

cakeandchampagne · 13/04/2019 21:12

Thinking of you & your sons. Flowers

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 13/04/2019 21:20

I'm so sorry namehanger

I am in a similar situation, my DH died 9 weeks and 5 days ago after treatment for lung cancer and brain mets was withdrawn. I am still in the disbelief stage and every day feels like a physical pain when I wake up and remember.

I would recommend taking every bit of help offered to you by friends and family, from the little things like cups of tea and food, to the big ones like help with probate and sorting out pensions. Get at least 4 copies of the death certificate. Be kind to yourself and say yes to invitations, even if you don't feel like it at the time.

Above all, talk about your DH as much as you want to, here or in real life Flowers

Loubyloulou88 · 13/04/2019 21:29

Sorry to hear this OP. Sending love and support to all 3 of you.

agteacht · 13/04/2019 21:34

So so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. I would have loved if my dad had written me letters but he just didn't realised he was going to die so quickly. Sounds like your husband was the same. Your sons will understand that. Be kind to yourself x

Goldmandra · 13/04/2019 21:40

OP this sounds incredibly hard. I hope that there were parts of his last day that you can take comfort from.

I know that the GCSEs may be a helpful distraction but, if it looks like they need to be postponed, please make sure you get some decent advice on how to do this. I've recently found out that if you make any mark on an exam paper, it counts as a take and any further attempts count as retakes. It may be better for your DS to take them all together later on as first attempts.

A month ago my dad was unwell, the next day we were discussing palliative care and the following day he died. We were left with lots of things unsaid and I wonder if you may have been too. Someone suggested writing him a letter just to get my thoughts out, even thought he'll never read it. I don't know if that might help you or one of your sons at some point.

Flowers
2ofstedsin24weeksistakingthep · 13/04/2019 21:46

So sorry for your loss.

I am the bereavement lead at my school and have very recently lost my dad. Everyone grieves at different times and in different ways. There is not a right or wrong way. My DD has cried once, I've cried a few times, but my DS has been devastated. If you can be open about your grief, it will help your sons. I was advised by my GP to not hide when I needed to cry and to do it together.

When your sons go back to school/college, ask if there could be someone available to check in on them each day, and for there to be a safe space/person to go to if they need it. Ideally this should be someone they know and doesn't have to be onerous. It shouldn't be a big deal, just a quick "Hi, are you ok? I'm here if you need anything."

Elliot's footprint and Winstons Wish are good websites, although I've only ever used them for younger children.

Sending big hugs Flowers

Ginger1982 · 13/04/2019 21:59

So sorry for your loss.

My dad died of cancer when I was 13. I didn't really deal with it properly at the time. I had a few days off school then back as though nothing had happened (not quite true but how I felt). There were no charities to help bereaved children in those days and it was only a few years later that I got counselling, albeit as a result of a separate issue. I'm guessing the school will be aware but perhaps a meeting with their guidance teachers, if they have them, just so they will keep an eye on them?

Feel free to DM me if I can maybe give any specific advice Thanks

Ginger1982 · 13/04/2019 22:02

Just read that there were no letters left for your boys. My dad didn't do this either and there have been times (wedding day etc) when I would have liked one but it doesn't make me feel deserted. I know my dad didn't want to leave us and fought his hardest to stay with us. I did go through a period of being worried my mum would die too but I think that's relatively normal.

MummytoCSJH · 13/04/2019 22:03

I'm so so sorry :(

Foxmuffin · 13/04/2019 22:07

I am so sorry for yours and your families terrible loss. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Please keep talking and reaching out.

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