Support for anyone who loses a partner/spouse

[echt]

Building on the excellent, valuable thread begun by Mummylin for those who have lost a parent.

A place to depend on for support and sympathy.

I posted this because I made my own thread when my DH died; have dipped in and out of other posters' specific threads and wanted somewhere rant/let go that wasn't about an immediate issue that dropped off the MN page 1 radar.

Hi I kind of straddle both threads as lost my dear mum in April last year then unexpectedly my partner 4 weeks later.

I’ve got to be honest I’m struggling more this year than last with Christmas 😔

Thank you for starting this although I’m sorry you had to 💐

What a good idea.

Gosh, started this and then didn't get back. This the first Christmas when I don't have visitors from overseas, and sort of seeing how much time they took up (a good thing) that made me not think of my DH so much. This year it's me and grown-up DD - and not discounting that, but she'll quite rightly be off with her friends after lunch. I don't want her to stay/not stay, it's just adjusting.

A colleague, also widowed lately and with grown- up and soon-to be grown up children said how much they missed talking to a an adult after day at work.

Hi, I lost my DH of 16 years in October this year. We have four school age children. As much as I am dreading Christmas I am more dreading the period afterwards. Since DH died I have been busy organising funeral and keeping the dc going, we had ds's 12th birthday and then straight into Christmas planning. I am honestly terrified of January, feel like I will fall apart then, with nothing to do or organise and when everyone else returns to their normal life and I can't...

We have MIL coming to stay over Christmas - she has been lovely and supportive despite losing her own husband in May ( my FIL ). It will be nice to have her with us and not have to keep up any pretence.

Hi all, sorry that we are all here

Dh took his own life in Feb this year. I feel as if it's only about a month ago that I actually started grieving, but of course it's just a new phase.

I've hated this last month. Previously there were positive things happening but it all seems dark now.

So sorry for your loss, Annandale, and I think what you said about new phase rings true, quite apart from the special grieving that accompanies a loved one who takes their own life.

I can't promise it gets better because I don't think it does; it's permanently different, like BC and AD. I have good friends, a mostly rewarding job, I do stuff, have a life, am financially secure, but it's still a bit cack.

Hello Annandale. I remember you posting in my original thread. It is so difficult the ups and downs of grief and how it catches you by surprise. Innate feeling trapped by it.

My four DC are excited for Christmas, counting down the days now. I'm ok with it. MIL is coming to stay so I will get some time to myself which is what I need. I have tried to keep a lot of my grief hidden from the DC. I don't want them to feel they have to take on my burden as well as their own.

This morning I'm off to collect our new car, feels like a big responsibility on my shoulders but we do need a car really.

X

It sounds so daunting DZ. Tbh 16th was too ill to do very much at Christmas or sometimes all year. But it still feels overwhelming that I can't talk things through with him and get his calm perspective. I'm glad your MIL is nice and you get on. There will be good moments, we can definitely hope for that.

16th?? Dh!

Yes - my dh was very ill/disabled last Christmas (and all year tbh) but he was also good at making decisions and getting a good deal. I always feel like I am failing with everything I buy because I know he had a knack for getting a bargain. I miss the talking things through bit the most at the moment. Dh always knew what to do even on days when he was very poorly.

Definitely hoping for good moments.

Oh echt, I do like the comparison with BC and AD. that's just what it feels like since DH died in February. Facing the first Christmas without him, but I am determined to celebrate as he would have wanted; I know he would be heart-broken if I didn't. It doesn't get better; I think we just get better at coping with it. Such a pain deep in my heart. I am going to my DD; DS and family will be there as well so we will be raising a glass to him.

Hello guys, my DH died 5 and half years ago suddenly of a heart attack.

Echt similar situation to you, just myself and 19yo DD for Christmas, in the past have done big family Christmases on my side. This year we are having a joint Christmas dinner with a good friend of my (recently divorced) and her two daughters. Will be quite fun but still not the same. It does get better but Christmases and birthdays are always hard :(

This year has been such an adjustment since DD started University at the beginning of the year (I am in NZ) and I am all on my own as she went flatting. Not to mention she was diagnosed with epilepsy in July and I am petrified of her dying similar to DH, and its been hard to support her on her own.

HearTheThunderRoar

Still up in the air (literally, as DD is flying from overseas holiday and no firm arrangements made) and now looking to a shared Christmas breakfast with friends whose DC know my DD. One half of the couple has cancer and tires easily, so brekkers makes more sense, though the 11.00.a.m. timing is odd for me as I wake at 5.00. and get up at 6.00. Maybe it will second breakfast, like hobbits. [smile[

My DD is at university too, and moved out to house share this year. So yay - independence/ empty nest. Sorry about your additional care in your DD's recent diagnosis. It never rains, does it?

Proseccoagain, I know what you mean by raising the glass, that the DH would be royally miffed that you weren't getting on with it, still living, if not loving the life. 🍾

echt

4 years gone now.
He hated Christmas though!

Had a bit of a moment yesterday when the bathroom fitter asked me how tall my husband was. I just muttered.. it's just me.
He just wanted to know how high up to put the shower head!
He's been working here 3 weeks and assumed my husband was here.

And I know his mum is feeling it, she's ignoring my calls and messages. She's completely by herself

pepperjack, the renovations! I always pretend my DH is working interstate when I get quotes, etc. to avoid being ripped off.

Sorry for you and your MIL. Although, on balance, being alive is way better than being dead, I'm glad my dear MIL didn't outlive her son and only child. He didn't even make his father's age.

Mil lost her husband 40 years ago, it was just her and her son.
She sent me a photo of the flowers I sent, at least I know she's alive

Crap. Somehow I thought Christmas would be OK. Had lots of support, lots of fun. Dropping off the edge tonight. Too many maudlin music videos. Damn you Pet Shop Boys.

The music does get to you doesn't it PatPhoenix? My DH loved music with a passion, always finding bands to go and see, music festivals. If I'm honest, I think I avoid music, it's too emotionally charged, and more so if it's linked to him. Christmas wasn't too bad after all, DD and I agreed. It's the birthdays that seem to do it for both us.

for you.

Getting rid of stuff. I'm wrestling with this in the post Christmas EVERYTHING OUT mood.

My PILs have tenderly passed on to me a small silver cup that DH won in 1979. They did say what it was for, and DH told me about it too. Due to my crap brain, I've actually forgotten what sport it was . DH's main memory of it was that they misspelled his name on the cup. I mean, it was a local golf/football/tennis club, some tournament or other that means nothing to me. I can't think it will mean much to ds either. We have nice pictures of dh playing various sports, and ds/dh used sometimes to watch sport together, but dh was really too ill to do very much sport within living memory for ds, so it's not like it's a long-established joint memory.

So I now have this silver cup, which has been lovingly kept for 40 years, and which I now have to clean before the PILs come round. How bad would it really be to CHUCK THE THING?

Oh, the stuff... What I'd do Pat is to fess up that the stress of it all, you forgot the sport and you want to label it for DS in the future., and want to et it right. I'm sure they'll understand.