Viewing the body

[missingdadd]

Hello,
Please can I have some advice on viewing the body of a loved one st the funeral home.
My dad passed away suddenly and I am in two minds as to whether it is a good idea or not.
I feel I might need to for closure as I don't feel I have accepted he is gone yet. But I am also scared.
Thank you

Sorry for your loss op I've visited a few family members and it felt almost like it wasn't them. I think I was just struggling to believe they had died. I know I would have regretted not going to see them for the last time though.

Speak to the funeral directors and get their advice. They will know what the body looks like now. If your DF has been embalmed and made up, you would probably cope fine.

I would also suggest speaking to the funeral directors
Personally I found the make up aspect awful but I guess it helps some people

((((HUG))))

You don’t sound stupid at all x

It sounds like you’re doing all of this on your own, you’re doing well.

I first saw someone after they’d died when I was 13. It was my Aunty, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to or not, but my cousin wanted me to go in with her, so I did. I was a little ‘wary’ and touching her was ‘strange’ as she was SO cold, but it wasn’t ‘scary’. She loved me SO much when she was alive, there was nothing to be ‘scared of’.

I have sadly seen many, very much loved, family & friends since then. I find it helps to come to terms with their death. I was only 15 when my Nana died and I wasn’t allowed to see her & that still upsets me.

My Dad died suddenly & unexpectedly too. I went to see him every day until the funeral. I haven’t coped very well with the shock of him dying so suddenly, but I know it would have been much worse for me if I hadn’t seen him. I needed to see, with my own eyes, that it was him. Then I just wanted to be with him as much as I could.

There’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, not in ANY of it. Just make the best choices you can at the time and accept you did your best. I stressed enormously over clothes, music, flowers etc ‘getting it right’ but actually it really doesn’t matter so much. You can’t bring them back by getting it 100% right and a Dad who it’s hurting so much to lose wouldn’t have cared about the clothes, the flowers etc. I can see my Dad shaking his head at me and telling me not to worry so much.

IF you decide to go and see him, do it as soon as you can. There’s no kind way to say this, but sooner is better.

Biggest of big hugs.

I went to see my dad because my mum was desperate to see him in the chapel of rest and she needed support. I immediately regretted the decision, seeing him was surreal. I had to go a few times with my mum and other family members who needed support. I just used to look at his shoes until I could get out of the room.

It's been two years now and I haven't had any lasting effects or regrets from seeing his body but it the time I found it traumatic. It helped my mum to see him though. It's a very personal thing, I suppose.

I'm so sorry for your loss

description of seeing a body warning in case anybody doesn’t want to read it.

OP do what feels right to you, there is no right or wrong answer.

My biggest regret is going back into the room about 4 hours after Mum died (she died at home, it was expected) and lying beside her in bed. She didn’t look awful, equally she didn’t look like my mum any more. The worst part was that she was cold, which came as a shock. So if you do go, I wanted to warn you that he’ll be cold, and for it not to be a horrible shock.

Whatever you decide, there is no wrong.

I viewed my Dads body 3 days after his death.
It didn't look like him at all an empty shell, his wrinkles had gone. I don't regret it but it wasn't my lovely Dad x

My dad looked awful before he died, due to liver failure. Seeing his body and holding his hand was, to me, a better final memory than his deathbed.

Grandma really did look peaceful and sleeping. She was in her 90s and had gradually lost consciousness and slipped away after a stroke. I saw her the morning she died, and she didn't look very different in the funeral parlour.

Dad looked different, but not scary. As others have said, he was somehow a shell, with the essential "Dad-ness" of him gone. It meant a lot to me to see him, I'd been with him when he died and he did look "better" once he'd got his his suit on and his hair brushed. He wasn't wearing his glasses, which added to the slight oddness. I'm glad I went.

Dad and I went to see Mum's body and he felt very fed up by it - he felt she had been "tarted up" and did not look like his wife. When Dad died I chose not to go and view his body. The last time we were together we were watching Wimbledon and that is the memory I chose to keep.

OP

I agree with pp; speak to the funeral director and ask them what your DDad looks like.

No family member I have ever seen in the Chapel of Rest had their mouths open so that might not be the case for you.

I viewed my twin sister's body which as you can imagine was very difficult for me. Her essence or personality wasn't there; it was literally her shell there. I do sometimes think of seeing her there and it isn't a nice thought but it's not my only memory of her.

Do you think it might help if you asked the funeral director to maybe spray some of your Dad's aftershave or a smell you associate with him in the room before you view him? I must admit, the chemical smell was the thing which disturbed me more. I wish I had thought to do that at the time.

I'm sure you will be able to leave a letter or something personal from you with your Dad. I take great comfort in knowing my twin had something from me with her.

Wishing you strength op

Also Irish, and open casket is very common here unless there is a reason not to do it or the family or deceased has requested otherwise. The first one I saw (friend's elderly father) bothered me a bit because he looked 'empty' rather than asleep. You can really see that the body is just a shell and that the person is gone.
I wasn't able to see a close friend (closed casket, by necessity) and her death didn't seem real for some time. The wake felt like a big practical joke.
I chose not to see my grandmother who died recently because I wanted to remember the last time I saw her alive when her face lit up when she saw me come into the room. Those who did go said she looked 20 years younger and pain free though.
It's a very personal choice when it's someone close, emotional either way. Hugs op.

I saw my dad an my grandfather. It was really strange as what defined them wasn't there body. I felt like I was looking at an empty shell, almost like a vessel that had carried all that they used to be. That energy/soul had gone. I am glad I did go ....

I went to see my Dad after he died and I've never regretted it. His death was sudden and unexpected and though we were there it was surreal and very upsetting.

We saw him just before the funeral. He was dressed in his own clothes and looked so peaceful. I sat with him for a while and said my final goodbyes. I definitely think it helped me.

I've never regretted it and it's never tarnished any happy memories. Tbh I rarely think of him then when I think of him it's when He was alive happy etc. Seeing him at the undertakers definitely isn't how I think of him

I chose not to see either of my parents, despite my not having seen them for two weeks before their deaths and my DM's being very sudden as a result of a car accident. So no chance to say goodbye in either case, but I accepted it and have no regrets.

For those mentioning chemical smells and make up, this is usually from embalming. It is not necessary to embalm, many funeral directors prefer to keep people in their natural state as embalming is such an invasive procedure.
Sometimes people may have a light amount of makeup to cover high colour in the face which can be something that happens naturally after death.

I have seen two grandparents, both parents and an aunt. I don't regret any of those. With my DF, I barely remember although I know I did - my memories of him particularly are of when he was alive, being a larger than life character.

But I come from a family where seeing the body is the done thing, and it would seem very odd to me not to.

@missingdadd I'm so sorry for your loss, as others have said no right and no wrong.

My dad died suddenly very young, I wanted to see him because (in my haze of grief) I thought that everyone had made a mistake and my dad hadn't died. I of course was wrong.

My mum I was with when she died, I was comfortable that no mistake had taken place.

Your dad would want you to do whatever you feel is right for you.

Be kind to yourself and don't fret about whatever decision you come to.

So far, I've only had to deal with my grandparents dying. They were all a huge part of my life (I still talk to one of them in my head when I have a difficult decision to make and she died 30 years ago). I went to see all of them at some point before the funeral. Wee chat, left photo that meant something in their coffin, and kissed them goodbye. It was the right thing for me to do, left feeling a bit more at peace.
Sorry for your loss.

Thank you all for your help and advice and sorry for all your losses.
I did go and view him. His chest was different because of the autopsy. I sort of froze when I went in and couldn't get too close. I wanted to kiss his head and I really regret not doing it.
I want to go back and do it but mainly I just want my dad back.
I want to go back before the funeral

I saw my grandma because when she was alive she was in so much pain and discomfort and I wanted to see her at peace..with my grandad I didn’t because he died very peacefully in his sleep.
Sorry for your loss x

Sorry just seen your update, is there a chance for you to go back before the funeral?x

I viewed my brother and father. They looked very different to how they had looked in life. Their personalities animated their faces in life, and made them who they were. However, both times (sudden death in both cases), I was glad to have done it. It made me feel closer to them, and I was glad to have time “alone” with them to grieve. So sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Is there time for you to go and see him again?

I chose to see my dad in the chapel of rest. I saw him in hospital just about 30 minutes after he died and he looked like he was asleep. I stroked his hair but I wish I had stayed longer with him. That's why I went to see him again. I wish I hadn't though. It was 10 days after death and he certainly looked different. I didn't touch him and only stayed in the room for a few moments. My brother did not want to see him as he wanted to remember him as he had last seen him a few weeks before.

IF you do go back OP be very careful where you touch .