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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

DH died and I've discovered he wasn't who I thought he was

61 replies

dragonslair · 28/08/2018 18:20

DH died 18 months ago. We were happy and I loved him. It was a tragic loss and I was his sole carer through his illness and death. But as I've gradually pulled myself together and gone through all the paperwork it's been one horrible blow after another. He was a hoarder and kept everything he ever received. Consequently I have now discovered relationships, debts, affairs (at one point three women simultaneously!), endless lies. It's horrendous. I don't know who he was. I was completely conned for 16 years. He was all front, I don't believe a word that ever came out of his mouth now. I am so angry and can't grieve. I don't know how to go forward from this. I feel utterly betrayed. I don't mourn him, but I feel guilty. I need some kind of resolution but don't know where to start.

OP posts:

Frankenterfer · 28/08/2018 18:24

I have no advice but this must be an awful blow. I hope that you have some support around you.

NotNachoing · 28/08/2018 18:27

Wow that's truly horrific. It sounds as though your grief has been suspended while you get hit over the head multiple times with a sledgehammer.

I have no idea how to get through that (just reading about it makes me want to take up boxing!). I think if I were in your situation I'd be having to look for a therapist. It's simply too much of a trauma upon grief which kind of doubles the amount of feelings around both. It's too much.

clarepetal · 28/08/2018 18:27

How awful for you in so many ways! You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You say you need resolution and don't know where to start, start by not pressuring yourself as you are dealing with a huge amount of emotions and I imagine conflict.

Original poster

dragonslair · 28/08/2018 18:34

Yes, that's how I feel. I think I need therapy but I feel like bereavement counselling is for people who are grieving. I am furious, hurt, angry, despairing. And yet I remember loving and good things. But they are swamped and taken away from me. I am so confused. I'd been coping, but yesterday I picked up the last two boxes of stuff which had been stored in his sister's loft (like I say, he was a hoarder) and I uncovered several thousand love letters. Now, they were from before my time, but covered a long period of time, and the latter ones overlapped with our marriage. I guess the letters stopped when email was invented. Who knows what was on his email. I can't even think about it. Three women at one time in the early 90s (before email!). Boy, they wrote a lot of letters. His sister tells me he was still seeing one of them right through our marriage. She thought it was platonic (a local woman, they were at school together). Judging by the steamy letters of 1996 I don't think so!

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ScattyCharly · 28/08/2018 18:38

I would think that clearing this out of your mind would be achieved by clearing the hoard. Take all of the love letters to the tip. Keep the photos of you and him in happy times as you can keep them as happy memories. Everything that you can put in the tip, do so, keep only the happy memories

Original poster

dragonslair · 28/08/2018 18:39

And by the way, I obviously don't have any problem with him having had relationships before we got together EXCEPT everything he told me about his prior life is now proved to be a lie. I've also lost my house because he remortgaged it without telling me. And all the money has gone to pay his secret debts. All he's left me with is a pile of utter crap (hoarder), debts, lies, and the total destruction of what I thought was a meaningful relationship. He was a con man. He even cheated his business partner and I had to find £35K to repay him. I'm just shattered.

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eurochick · 28/08/2018 18:39

Don't necessarily think the worst. I dated a chap in the 90s and there were probably smutty letters back in the day. But we decided we worked better as friends and have been for 20 years. We're both married to other people now and are entirely platonic.

Rainbowshine · 28/08/2018 18:40

In my limited experience, bereavement counsellors will have seen similar issues before, and helped people with the conflicting emotions.

Original poster

dragonslair · 28/08/2018 18:41

All the love letters went in the recycling today. But I've also thrown out all the happy memory photos. Maybe I've gone too far the other way, but I feel like I can't commemorate an illusion. My rings have come off too.

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Original poster

dragonslair · 28/08/2018 18:42

But eurochick why keep it secret then? I am very open minded. I am friends with all my exes and never hid it if I was meeting for a coffee every now and then! I think that's healthy.

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Borridge · 28/08/2018 18:44

How awful for you! I also think a therapist might be a good idea. I am sure some bereavement counselors have experienced with similar situations.

MoonlightMedicine · 28/08/2018 18:47

This must be so hard. Please look into therapy, it will really help you work through all this.

AlmaGeddon · 28/08/2018 18:48

Just as well he died, I wouldn't have given much for his chances now this has come to light! ! !
You have a new start OP, I'm sure you can move on once this mess is put behind you. Best wishes for a good future you certainly deserve it

Original poster

dragonslair · 28/08/2018 18:50

Thanks AlmaGeddon (funny!!). I am pretty resilient but this has really knocked me. It makes me question who I am, too. Is my judgment so poor? How could I love someone so much and be so utterly fooled? Am I not worth honest, loving integrity? I gave that to our relationship, but clearly was not worth it in return. It is agonising.

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FlamingJuno · 28/08/2018 18:51

This happened to DBiL. His (male) long term partner died unexpectedly and what came out in the aftermath was horrendous, up to and including that he literally wasn't who he said he was - different name, background, family the lot. He had told BiL a load of lies, and lied in the opposite direction to his family, such that they thought they had inherited his house and tried to get possession after the funeral- except the house was rented and the landlord had to prove he was the legal owner to get them to back off. We still don't know the full story and likely never will.
for you.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 28/08/2018 18:55

I think you've had two huge losses. First, your husband and secondly the man you thought your husband was. I suspect that mourning your husband will only be possible once you've processed the loss of the husband you thought you had.

I've no idea where to start with that, except that I'm sure many counsellors have seen this before and will be able to help you. I wish you all the best with it.

Original poster

dragonslair · 28/08/2018 18:55

The difficult thing is not feeling able to speak about it. I feel so ashamed. He was highly regarded, a community man and so on. My family respected and appreciated him. People have given me so many condolences and so much help. But now I feel like I'm living a lie too as I can't now say "actually this is what he really was". Well, that's how it feels. But most of all it is just WHY WHY WHY? I am intelligent and open minded, I am good at discussing things and not a drama queen. We could have talked about stuff! Why lie and cheat like this?

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deepsea · 28/08/2018 18:57

You are right to consider a counsellor not just bereavement but someone you can really talk to about this betrayal. I am at a loss to know why he didn't sort out his affairs, it sounds like he knew he was seriously ill.

Anyone would be devastated to learn the last 16 years were built on lies and deceit and especially in the way you have uncovered it under the circumstances.

You are going to have to separate your identity and experience from the tainted version op. YOU were a decent wife and kind and loving person, YOU nursed him and was there to help him through. What he decided to do is something you could not have controlled.

You are still you, you have a future, you have your health and now you need to put this behind you (with help and support) Time to roll up the sleeves and see what you can do in the next year to get some kind of life back. If you have some close friends, book a holiday, tell them everything. Swim in the sea, sit in the sun and choose how you want to remember him.

Keep the rings and photos locked away for a good year and by then your feelings will settle and yes it is totally shit and awful but you still have your own life to live.

Deathraystare · 28/08/2018 18:59

I am so sorry. How bloody awful. Do you think bereavement counselling or some such would help?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 28/08/2018 18:59

I know a couple of people who made very similar discoveries in these circumstances so I think a bereavement counsellor will know tons.

You say you’re not grieving but angry. I think very few people experience grief in the way we’d all expect. Anger and confusion is very much par for the course even without the bombshells you’ve uncovered, so I do think there will be help for you out there.

picklemepopcorn · 28/08/2018 19:00

Would it help to think of him as two different people? The community man and husband (perhaps who he wished to be), and the other side- endebted, with a history of bad relationships.

Original poster

dragonslair · 28/08/2018 19:00

Thanks deepsea, that is good advice. The reason he didn't sort his affairs out is that he had premature onset dementia, so he lost capability, and then he died from other complications.

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MatildaTheCat · 28/08/2018 19:03

How awful for you, my sincere sympathy to you.

My SIL is a bereavement counsellor and trust me there isn’t much that she hasn’t heard. Although your situation is extreme I think a lot of people find things out after a death they’d never known and also have a lot of rage and nowhere to channel it.

I would also suggest that keeping this a secret isn’t healthy for you. Telling selected people that you’ve had rather a shock about his finances and some other personal issues will allow you to express some of your feelings more openly.

I truly hope you can have a huge bonfire and have a good shout at him or maybe write him a letter and burn it with his other letters.

Bluewidow · 28/08/2018 19:05

But you are still grieving. Your grieving for the man that you thought you knew and your growing for the man that you didn't know.

I also lost my husband recently and grieving is a minefield. But as pp said you don't have to grieve just because you feelike you should. We are all different.

cantfindname · 28/08/2018 19:05

So so sorry for you. I lost my DP in May and can't imagine how I would have felt if I had discovered all those horrors. Try to remember him as the man you obviously loved and shove all the rubbish to the recycling bin in your mind. Just shows none of us can ever be sure no matter how well we think we know them

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