DH died and I've discovered he wasn't who I thought he was

[dragonslair]

DH died 18 months ago. We were happy and I loved him. It was a tragic loss and I was his sole carer through his illness and death. But as I've gradually pulled myself together and gone through all the paperwork it's been one horrible blow after another. He was a hoarder and kept everything he ever received. Consequently I have now discovered relationships, debts, affairs (at one point three women simultaneously!), endless lies. It's horrendous. I don't know who he was. I was completely conned for 16 years. He was all front, I don't believe a word that ever came out of his mouth now. I am so angry and can't grieve. I don't know how to go forward from this. I feel utterly betrayed. I don't mourn him, but I feel guilty. I need some kind of resolution but don't know where to start.

I am so sorry for what you are going through,the same happened to a friend of mine,her DH had an accident at work, and died, she found lots of dating sites and messages,maybe more but she didnt say
I hope you can somehow get over this eventually, and move on,
I too would be horrified at such a discovery,
It goes to show we think we know our closest loved ones, but do we ever really, for you

Dragon, does he have a grave or a memorial spot? Could you go and shout at him? I do this a fair bit (well less shouting more apologising and whinging in my case - but give me time...) I felt pretty weird about it as i'm an atheist and don't believe he can hear me... but my therapist just said 'you do this because you have things to say to him'. Of course.

Op what a dreadful shock.

This happend to my neighbour, her partner of about 20 years died and she found all sorts of stuff like secret debts, affairs, a secret gambling habit, another woman with a child who called him Dad and it was awful for her because they weren't married she had to involve his eldest son as next of kin and he too felt like he'd never known his Dad.

It was just beyond belief. By the time they'd ordered an Experian report they realised he was £70k in debt!!!! It was heartbreaking. My neighbour (who's in her 70's!!) owned the house they lived in before they got together from her first marriage and he rented his house out but he'd not had any "rent" which he lied about as it appeared the woman was "a very good friend"!! So her poor partners son had to evict her to sell the house to pay the debt!!

She went to bereavement counselling too tho and found it a huge help and said she took comfort from just boxing all the stuff up and getting rid - cleansing was definitely the word.

I hope things improve for you - as the saying goes, time is a great healer

What a fucker. So sorry for you op. Please TALK to people about this though. You don't owe him anything and I am sure you will see that you have NOTHING to be ashamed about. He's the cheater. You need support and not just from us internet lovelies.

Dragon what a horrible position to be in. I am so sorry you have found all of this. In some ways it would have been better to remain oblivious. I just don't know if that is what I would want. How awful for you

I think you have to grieve the man you thought he was, and get rid of all of this other stuff, this other person he actually seems to have been. These are easy words to write, but much more difficult to live. I suspect counselling may well be needed to help you merge the two.

Wow just wow..... I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

I was treated poorly by my XP (mind you, nothing on this scale!) and spent a long time trying to get my head around why it had happened. It didn't actually help. In the end I just had to conclude that he was an arsehole and it was out of my control/there was nothing I could do/it was him not me. I also had hypnotherapy which helped massively.

So awful. I agree with a PP about writing him a letter, then rip it up.

I hope you get some counselling & have RL support

People have been very wise.

I guess my feeling is that the man you loved did exist, but that he had all these other ( much less appealing) faces too. If it were me I would have a tendency to wipe out everything as if it didn't count. But it still does, you did have a loving partnership with him.

I also agree that the dementia he suffered with may have impaired his judgement for many years before it was diagnosed.

You really need to tell some friends and professionals in real life and get rid of any feelings of shame, vent your anger and find a new space where you can feel comfortable and safe.

You sound insightful, brave and gracious and Im sure you can move on, in time.

Please don't despair. Don't torture yourself.
He must have had regrets, and shame, and even perhaps his own mad logic.

You have nothing to reproach yourself with. You loved the part of him you knew, and that part of him loved you.

It's a hard hard task, but I'd chuck the rest, and hang on to that if I could.

This is one of the saddest threads I've read. I'm sorry I'll probably not be of much help but with regard to him remortgaging without telling you if it's a joint property then this is fraud and you should have been protected by the lender and conveyancer. Maybe this is worth pursuing? Thinking of you

I’m so sorry you’re going through this 💐

I think, if at all possible, you should get the stuff out of the recycling. Give yourself some time before doing things you can’t undo.

Feeling humiliated, embarrassed, worthless etc, it’s silly isn’t it. THEY are the ones who’s should feel like that, the ones who lie & cheat, not us. I guess it’s going to take many more generations to hopefully one day undo the absolute myth that ‘If you are slim, attractive and a ‘good wife’ your husband (partner) will be faithful, if he’s not faithful it’s your fault and you are stupid if you dont realise it’s happening. It’s so bloody ingrained you don’t even realise it. We should feel sadness and anger, not embarassment & worthlessness.

You need to tell some people close to you, they need to understand what you’re going through. Choose a couple of friends you can trust and talk to them. Then, you need to talk to your children. They’re adults now, I know he became their Dad & your instinct is probably to protect them from it, but they need your honesty & they need to understand what you’re going through - I think you will really damage your relationships with them if you don’t tell them.

I do think it’s possible to love someone very, very, much but still not be the person you should be. I think he loved you & your life together but was able to compartmentalise that & keep it separate from his relationships with others. I think his childhood was probably quite screwed up. I honestly don’t think it means your relationship/you weren’t exactly what he told you they were to him. He sounds totally screwed up, not like your regular chancer shagging anything in a skirt. I think seeing him as a damaged man who loved you very much is probably the best way to try to cope (and I feel it’s the truth).