DH died and I've discovered he wasn't who I thought he was

[dragonslair]

DH died 18 months ago. We were happy and I loved him. It was a tragic loss and I was his sole carer through his illness and death. But as I've gradually pulled myself together and gone through all the paperwork it's been one horrible blow after another. He was a hoarder and kept everything he ever received. Consequently I have now discovered relationships, debts, affairs (at one point three women simultaneously!), endless lies. It's horrendous. I don't know who he was. I was completely conned for 16 years. He was all front, I don't believe a word that ever came out of his mouth now. I am so angry and can't grieve. I don't know how to go forward from this. I feel utterly betrayed. I don't mourn him, but I feel guilty. I need some kind of resolution but don't know where to start.

I am so sorry for you. Definitely speak to a counsellor just so you can voice all of your feelings and work through it. It's terrible what he has done and he shouldn't be able to cheat you out of the rest of your life.
Did you have children together?

Ah, okay. Yes my father in law had that too. Perhaps his dementia may have contributed to some of the debts and other problems mounting up. In our case my FIL covered up the extent of his illness and it was very hard to unpick all of the trail of mistakes and was painstaking. So in that respect it is possible he was not capable of running his accounts and finances correctly and maybe not deliberate?

I know you may think I am making excuses, but we had many experiences of massive problems with money too, and no one thought to question as he too was young and seemed relatively well in the early days.

Are you sure the letters refer to a time during your marriage? You say they stopped but then continued by email, but do you know that for sure? Are you sure he was in a physical relationship? I am not doubting you but sometimes the grief acts in strange ways (I sold my house for some reason when I lost someone close to me, I still wonder why I thought that was a good idea) Assuming the letters were real, maybe for him it was fantasy and he had no intention of cheating. Even if he cheated it does not mean he did not love you.

My heart also goes out to you. My dh died earlier this year, and i can only say that without therapy i would barely be surviving. I don't think it matters what the person has as a label provided they have bereavement experience and you personally click with them. for you.

Hello OP. I am so sorry at what you are having to cope with. My situation was bad but not nearly as dreadful as yours. One thing that may ease your feelings a little? I was advised by a counsellor to write a letter to my husband and tell him just what I thought of him. Afterwards, either set alight to it or shred, destroy somehow and watch it happening.

I had to do this quite a few times before the stress started to dissipate (and suffered writer's cramp!) but I think it did lessen my feelings a bit.

The important thing is to ease your stress levels as much as possible and that could cause you harm and, unfortunately, won't affect him.

I do wish you well.

I'm so sorry

Sometimes lies are when people tell you what they wish was true. I am not meaning to belittle what you must have suffered, nor your shock, but perhaps it isn't the whole picture.

Perhaps the person you loved was the best of him, and now you have uncovered the worst. You shouldn't feel ashamed. You loved what you saw, what he chose to show you.

Oh my love, I'm so sorry.
I know this won't be much consolation but it's not that rare, and something similar happened to a friend.
I'm not surprised you can't grieve, please be kind to yourself, could you see a counsellor to help with your thoughts of guilt.
My friend has done this and seems to be benefitting from talking it through.
Please lean on your true friends, especially anyone you can confide in, you won't be a burden I promise you.

So sorry you are going through this, I can't imagine how you must feel

Hugs to you Dragonslair

My father was / is like this. He is still alive so all the lies were discovered in a different way. These people take advantage of the space between all individuals which is where love, trust and faith dwell. They exploit our natural instinct to love and trust others.

Not many people will understand how it feels to be on the receiving end of this, but some people will. It may surprise you who does. Do you have anyone in real life, who you can talk to properly about this?

Be kind to yourself and give yourself time and whatever else you need to get through this. Ultimately, it's about acceptance of what really is / was, however hard that is to hear right now. I remember after discovering the lies, feeling like I'd been winded, psychically. That feeling went on for a very long time. And a whirlwind of emotions, and exhausting re-assessing and re-examining every memory involving that person.

The task is untangling reality and truth and true feelings from that person's lies and dissembling. It feels like the rug has been pulled out from under your entire life, which in a way it has. You will question absolutely everything but I promise you that with the right therapeutic help you WILL be able to separate him and his lies and crap from you, and your true honest feelings.

You will retrieve a sense of meaning and ownership over your own history and memories. You will rediscover a sense of faith and trust in humanity. What does survive and emerge from this difficult time will be bittersweet but really true and honest and so incredibly precious.

YOU CAN SURVIVE THIS!

I agree - bereavement counselling sounds like the right way to go. They aren't just trained to counsel people who are grieving in a straightforward way - grief is often complicated by other feelings. A lot of marriages, parent/child relationships, etc, are far from straightforward. Sorry for all these awful discoveries OP - you must be reeling, upset and bloody furious

Wow, I went to eat something and have come back to all this support. Thank you so much. There are many good points there. Stars, your point I think might be a true one. Many people have said he loved me very much. I think maybe he wanted to cover things up so he could be a "better man" for me. Of course, for me, being a better man would have been to be honest, but still... it's an angle on it. Percheron, thanks for the burning letter idea. I'm good at getting things down on paper, so I think I'll try that. Deepsea, thanks for your insight into the premature dementia. I was certainly excusing many financial errors for a long time, before I confronted what was really going on. It has indeed taken 18 months to unpick. But all that aside, the fact is that at various times in his life, he was running two or three affairs simultaneously, and for me that shows him to be a really dreadful person. I feel sullied by it.
Regarding children, I have two from a previous relationship. He became their father at ages of 9 and 6 (actual father not in their lives). He was pretty good and they grieved him. I haven't exposed all this to them.

So sorry that you’re going through this. Though I have no wise words myself, I read this recently that might be useful (sorry that the url is somewhat blunt)

www.chumplady.com/2018/06/the-dead-cheater-dilemma/

Thanks Flora, that ChumpLady advice is really helpful.

LuckyTwiglet thanks for your thoughtful post. I hope I can get there and find something positive in this.

A very close family relative was an unexpected dc at their parents funeral along with their dm and another sibling. I honestly think this is a lot more common than people think. Therapeutic support seems a good way forward.

Such a cruel cruel blow OP. Definitely seek therapy. You are not a victim but you are the better human being that he sadly never deserved. 💐

I don't feel like a victim, but I feel like a fool. I am so so sad. I loved him and now I feel worthless.

I'm so sorry to read this OP... so very sorry

Yes the financial issues can be excused to some degree, the affairs not so much.
You didn’t know the side of him that he wanted to keep hidden. Some people are like this sadly. You must not be ashamed or feel compromised. You are still honest and decent, you haven’t changed.
Take comfort in your children, in the better times shared and know that your life doesn’t end because he had two sides to him. Don’t question your judgement, you were not wrong to trust him, he was wrong for abusing your trust op.
We can only be accountable to ourselves and our actions. Leave the shame with him, and allow yourself to move on taking only the best parts.

So sorry for this to have happened to you at such a horrible time. I do think counselling would be a good way forward for you, to get all the anger and resentment out and just talk your heart out. So that you are able to start over and create a life for yourself and enjoy you. xx

You're far from worthless, dragonslair. You cared for your husband during his illness, you were worth a great deal and still are.

It is so sad that you've uncovered so much since his death, I can only begin to imagine the pain that must give you but your husband was a fallible human being. He must have loved you better than anyone or any thing else and may have deeply regretted his wrongdoing.

It's good that you can get it all out on here, it helps to unburden. Writing it all down as someone else suggested is an excellent idea.

Remember the love and the good times and then - onwards and upwards.

My heart really goes out to you Dragonslair, I am so sorry. I speak as someone who was lied to very convincingly for a few years, and even now, 16 years later, I kick myself. But the truth is, we all tend to trust people we love, and sometimes people lie without compunction and very convincingly. So it is absolutely not a reflection on you. We mostly just assume people operate the same way we do - if you are an honest type, you will likely assume others are too, and this can make you vulnerable. I think it would help to understand the psychology of people who hide such huge secrets, and as PPs have said, counselling. Sending my very best wishes to you.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP. I think you'd get a lot from counselling. At least you'd be able to unburden yourself fully in a safe space and this will help unravel the mix of emotions you must be feeling.

I'm wondering if it might be a good start for you to write him a letter? You could pour your fury, pain and sadness into it and begin some kind of closure that way? At least you'd be in a position to get some power back as I imagine you must feel quite powerless at the moment.

Oh lovely I'm so sorry

It seems his hoarding and secrecy give a huge insight in to the state of his mind In General, I cannot imagine the psychic energy he must have expelled trying to spin all the plates all at once.

I have no words of consolation for you op, I suppose he might have hoped for a bit more time to sort his secret life out before his illness.

All you are left with is him on face value, a man who was fallible and had deep faults. You are in shock, and there are lots of layers to peal back and explore in therapy. At the moment you are grieving but probably not in the way you thought you would be, there's going to be a lot of what ifs? But all you can really rely on is the evidence you actually know about.

Take time out, and try not to dwell on why you didn't see any of this, there lies madness. Take care of yourself 💐

I'm so sorry for you...what a terrible burden to have to bear. I know what it's like to discover you have been living with stranger but not to that degree! You must be devastated. I'm with Matildathecat here, burn everything. Don't think about recycling, just burn all the letters. It will help to cleanse and possibly, even to heal. One step at a time. Sending you strength and good thoughts x

I'm so glad I posted. This is really helping. It is such a huge head fuck. I just can't understand it. I told him about my own fallibilities and mistakes, and took his criticisms... I thought that was what open honest communication in a relationship was about. And his suspicions when I met a (very dear) ex for a coffee after 20 years. We are in the same line of work and went to school together! There was nothing to it! I guess to his mind I was doing what he was doing. Perhaps he didn't realise people could just be normal, loving and honest. I feel so tainted by it all.