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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My dad has been diagnosed with lung cancer

51 replies

AugustRose · 01/08/2018 19:27

Just that, it's devastating. He may also have stomach cancer, we are just waiting for the results of a biopsy to confirm exactly what he has before they start him on chemotherapy. They have told us that it may slow the growth or even shrink the tumour(s) but won't get rid of it. He is 71 and lives on his own, I live 90 miles away and took him to A&E last week as he was in so much pain when I visited. He'd previously had an x-ray and CT scan for stomach pain but hadn't been given the results or any pain relief.

I haven't really cried yet as I am thinking of the practicalities of getting him to appointments, my brother lives nearer but works long, late hours and doesn't drive. My sister and dad have been estranged for about 2 years and she is unsure how he will respond if she visits. My mum and stepdad have thankfully been helping with lifts.

I feel like it's going to come crashing down on me at some point.

OP posts:

strawberryalarmclock · 01/08/2018 19:38

My own dad was diagnosed with lung cancer almost exactly 10 yrs ago. Prognosis wasn't good, I seem to remember in the early days before treatment started, that all talk from the Drs seemed so bleak, there was little hope, it was awful.
My dad had half of one lung removed and extensive chemo & radiotherapy. I won't lie, the treatment was so so tough, it made him very poorly, a shadow of his former self. I feel for you, it was a heartbreaking time for us all
But mine is a happy tale, he bloody survived! 10 years on he's still here, relatively fit and well and leads a good life. I hope that helps?
Please keep posting, you need all the support you can get at the moment

strawberryalarmclock · 01/08/2018 19:39

In terms of practical support e.g. lifts etc, I'm sure charities such as Macmillan could advise of where you can seek help?

Original poster

AugustRose · 01/08/2018 21:18

Thank you, the GP has referred him the Macmillan so hopefully they will be able to help with lifts and checking on him in between our visits. During the summer holidays I will be able to visit each week but I am worried about him going into September.

OP posts:

bellinisurge · 01/08/2018 21:20

Be kind to yourself as well. This is a tough period. My best wishes to you and your family.

MamaGH · 01/08/2018 21:28

So sorry to hear this. Take some time out to try and get your head around things it must be an awful shock. Hugs to you and your family

BonApp · 02/08/2018 22:09

august really sorry to see this. My dad was being tested this time last year and was diagnosed with mesothelioma (cancer of the lung lining caused by asbestos) at the end of August. He died 9 months later at 70. It's been a brutal year tbh.

It may come crashing down, or you may just weep it out in stages.

It's hard not to think ahead, but I could manage focusing on the upcoming weeks only. Any more than that felt too daunting and unknown. I had to plan as I live abroad so was flying back to the UK regularly, but I'd book my flights and then think about the next 7-14 days only.

I promise you there will be some special times in the coming days, weeks and months that you will end up treasuring.

Original poster

AugustRose · 03/08/2018 19:11

BonApp I'm sorry about your dad and thank you for sharing with me. I am just planning a week or two at a time as we still don't have a treatment plan yet. I've just come back after spending last night with him and he spoke to the oncology team this morning to confirm an appointment with the consultant on Tuesday and a kidney function scan on Wednesday.

I just wish we could get him to eat more as he lost 18lbs in under a month and now only weighs 7st 10lbs! But I know he struggles to eat when he feel sick all the time. Taking each day at a time just now.

Thank you

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BonApp · 03/08/2018 20:55

Thank you. I was hesitant to post as my dads outcome wasn’t positive but I also know it can help to be in touch with people who have been through similar.

One day at a time is best.

Would your dad consider having a Complan or something similar? Or soup? Or ice cream/lollies in this heat? Follow his lead, it’s all you can do.

Take it easy

Original poster

AugustRose · 03/08/2018 22:28

He has been given Fortisip to have twice a day, although after 2 weeks he's already a bid fed up of them! He is trying and has been having soup and things like custard and trifles, he just can't stomach anything more substantial yet, even a bit of toast is to much.

My dad's outcome is unlikely to be good, they think it's an aggressive tumour so we are just hoping for more time with him if they go with the chemotherapy.

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BonApp · 04/08/2018 08:00

Bless him trying.

There was no treatment available for my dad. Harsh as that was, it removed some of the uncertainty. The waiting and not-knowing is very tough. My heart goes out to you all.

Original poster

AugustRose · 07/08/2018 19:48

Ok so after todays appointment it looks like he has secondary liver cancer too, not the stomach but there is still inflammation around it causing pain.

He has agreed to chemotherapy and should have his first lot next week, so now we will need to work around that and making sure someone is with him for a few days afterward.

He's started reading books again which I think is to try and take his mind off it but he's no longer watching TV, he used to spend all afternoon/evening watching rubbish programmes but doesn't seem to want to do that now.

OP posts:

bellinisurge · 07/08/2018 21:24

Thank you for the update @AugustRose . I hope you are being kind to yourself too.

BonApp · 07/08/2018 22:15

Sorry to see this but I hope having some more concrete info helps, even just a little.

I hope your dad finds some comfort and escapism in his books. I always wondered how my dad could even begin to process what was happening and I know he enjoyed reading to keep him distracted.

Hope you can plan the visits easily enough. If you have to travel regularly use that time to switch off a bit in between your own life and seeing your dad. I found flying back and forth exhausting but for those few hours I was just me - not mummy/wife/employee doing every day life and not daughter/sister supporting family and tbh I really needed that hiatus between the two to catch up with my thoughts and emotions.

Pebblesandfriends · 07/08/2018 22:17

so sorry to hear this.

Original poster

AugustRose · 23/08/2018 22:36

I think things are moving very quickly. I hadn't seen him for 2 weeks as other family wehre going in to see him and I needed to spend some time with my children.

When I got back last Sunday he had deteriorate quickly, part of it is the cancer and part of it is he has, understandably, fallen into a depression where he thinks he is stupid and can't make himself do anything, including eating, even though he knows he is supposed to. It is heartbreaking to watch him, he now only weighs 7 stone. He had his 1st chemo on Monday and it was along day, on Tuesday he was completely wiped out and he didn't think he could make it back up the stairs to bed and I was completely overwhelmed.

He had a good day yesterday and after calls to the doctors about his lack of care the district nurse came. He seems good and was thorough, talking about how he was and what help he needed, he's ordering lots of equipment, including a hospital bed. But today he has had another bad day, and for the first time I think my brother has realised just how weak he is. They are very close and I think he was in a it of denial about how long we have left with him.

I had to leave today (my daughter had to open her gcse results without me ) for a few days but thankfully my dad is OK with my sister coming now, which helped me hugely yesterday. She just called to tell me they are going to ask the district nurse tomorrow about speeding up the care for dad, we can't do it alone and I think he is close to the point of needing daily carers, he really can't manage the stairs and is unsteady just standing up and walking from one room to another. Eating and drinking is a struggle.

I can't believe how quick he has changed any my drive home was difficult.

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Original poster

AugustRose · 26/08/2018 20:00

Things are getting worse, my brother and sister have been with him since I came home and I am supposed to be going back on Tuesday, but now I think I have a cold and cannot risk infecting him.

My sister called the district nurses today to check on him as she was so scared, his temperature was dropping and he is basically sleeping all the time. He woke up just as they arrived and they said all his obs were fine so left, saying they would chase up Macmillan again - I'm very disappointed in them and the GP, we have been asking for a referral/visit by them for over 2 1/2 weeks and they have still not been.

He cannot care for himself and is very scared all the time.

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Original poster

AugustRose · 26/08/2018 20:01

It's also my son's 9th birthday on Friday, he was stillborn at 37 weeks and this is always a bad time for me without my dad being sick. I don't know how full time carers cope.

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strawberryalarmclock · 27/08/2018 08:30

Sorry to hear things aren't good and sad to hear that you've heard nothing from Macmillan yet, you all need so much support at the moment.
How is your Dad today?

Original poster

AugustRose · 27/08/2018 09:55

He's not great sadly, he was breathing OK during the night but he did not turn off his alarm (set for taking his first tablets) and when my brother went up his breathing was very laboured and he couldn't respond verbally. My brother called the paramedics and they have taken him to hospital, I am on my way over now but my DH is having to drive me as I haven't slept all night and can't safely drive myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

AugustRose · 28/08/2018 03:07

He died at 12.18 this morning. Struggling to understand how quick this has all happened.

OP posts:

winterisstillcoming · 28/08/2018 04:02

I'm so sorry OP.

ittooshallpass · 28/08/2018 09:13

I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family all came together when your Dad needed you. He knew he was loved.

strawberryalarmclock · 28/08/2018 20:04

I'm so so sorry to read this augustrose you must be in shock. I hope you aren't alone, please reach out to those around you

Original poster

AugustRose · 30/08/2018 02:16

I can't sleep, I'm staying at my mum's house but don't have my car as DH took the children home late on Monday. Trying to sort through dad's paperwork and organize the funeral which is hard but at least he was organized, he'd even written what he wants added to the headstone after my stepmum died last year. It's heartbreaking.

I'm traveling home on Friday for the weekend then possibly back on Monday, there's so much to do when you really don't want to think about it. I miss him.

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Layla75 · 30/08/2018 02:50

I’m so sorry for your loss. What a shock for you all. My dad died of lung cancer very quickly too- 8 weeks after diagnosis. It’s a real shock and hard to come to terms with. I comfort myself with the fact that I, like you, did get to spend some time with him and that he didn’t suffer for long. Thinking of you xxx

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