My dad has been diagnosed with lung cancer

[AugustRose]

Just that, it's devastating. He may also have stomach cancer, we are just waiting for the results of a biopsy to confirm exactly what he has before they start him on chemotherapy. They have told us that it may slow the growth or even shrink the tumour(s) but won't get rid of it. He is 71 and lives on his own, I live 90 miles away and took him to A&E last week as he was in so much pain when I visited. He'd previously had an x-ray and CT scan for stomach pain but hadn't been given the results or any pain relief.

I haven't really cried yet as I am thinking of the practicalities of getting him to appointments, my brother lives nearer but works long, late hours and doesn't drive. My sister and dad have been estranged for about 2 years and she is unsure how he will respond if she visits. My mum and stepdad have thankfully been helping with lifts.

I feel like it's going to come crashing down on me at some point.

Thank you Layla and I'm sorry about your dad too it's all very difficult.

Dad's notice has appeared in the local newspaper today, I am finding it all a bit surreal that this is about him, because surely I just have to pick up the phone and check he's OK today. I should be arranging things with DH so that I can spend next week with him after his second chemo session on Monday, not attending his funeral on Tuesday or going over tomorrow to talk to the minister about his life.

I have suffered a terrible loss before and I know how grief works, but it still doesn't prepare you for when it happens again.

Does anyone @Mumsnet know how I ask for this to be moved to Bereavement? I think I need somewhere I can just write about my dad and how I feel as I find it easier to put things down than speak directly to people.

Thank you

Last week was exhausting, I took my DC with me on Monday night to my DMs and DH arrived on Tuesday morning for Dad's funeral in the afternoon. He then took the DC home that evening - both DDs have recently moved school/college and I didn't want them disrupted too much and thought keeping their routine would be best for them all.

I stayed until Friday to help my DB and DSis clear my dad's house, it was rented and the landlord wanted another months rent if we wanted even a few days longer. As anyone else who has done this knows, it is very difficult and emotional going through someone else's things trying to decide what to keep and what to pass on or even throw away. Made a bit harder by the fact that Dad had kept my stepmum's things (all her clothes, jewellery, shoes, etc) so my stepsister and stepbrother had to come and sort those while looking around for other things they 'should have'!

After everything had gone on Friday we had to clean the house and I think the hardest part for me was cleaning the benches where he sat looking out of the window, and the bedroom door/handle as it felt like I was wiping his handprints away. Then we had to walk away

On a positive note I think his funeral was as he would like, the celebrant was good and it was personal, we had photos of him up around for the reception bit afterwards and DB, DH and stepbrother helped carry him.

We also had the chance to sit and talk about him, just me, DB and Dsis about what had happened but also about when he was ill before and our childhood. We haven't sat, just the 3 of us for a long time and I know it helped me, so I hoped it helped them too.

OP, we are so very sorry for your loss. We are moving this over to bereavement for you, as requested.

Thank you LilyMumsnet

Driving my youngest to school this morning I just wanted to keep going straight back over to my family, even though it has only been 4 days since I left them. Missing the so much at the minute.

A few of friends from the school asked about dad which was nice of them, and gave me the chance to talk about him. Now that everything has been done, the reality of missing him is hitting home.

I've just come across this thread, I'm so sorry you have gone through this. My dear died last September, he had mesothelioma, the asbestos lung cancer. He was diagnosed only about 6 weeks before, although he hadn't been well for ages. The early days are tough, grief will hit you when you least expect it. I cried in Tesco after seeing my dad's favourite sweets on offer. There's a thread on here for people who have lost parents. it's very supportive.

Sorry about the paragraphs, my return button isn't working!

MyGuide

Thank you for your message, I will look out for the other thread. It's funny you should mention the sweets as I did just that a couple of days ago. Dad always preferred dark chocolate and struggled to get a dark chocolate Bounty bar but I saw them in a shop a few days ago and stopped me in my tracks. It's these small things that make me miss him most.

august things still take me by surprise, I found Xmas especially tough as dad loved Xmas. I just feel like not celebrating it any more but I know that's not possible. Life must go on and dad would want to see us enjoying ourselves, it's just hard!
Glad to see you on our other thread, stay with us xx

I'm going back to see my family tomorrow for the first time since we cleared dad's house and now I can't sleep. I have been remembering specific things about those last few days like the morning of my daughter's gcse results day, she rang to tell me her results and I had to cut her off as I could hear dad moving about upstairs and I needed to make sure he didn't fall down them. She had told me that she had the results she needed to get onto the college course she wanted (Level 3 equine) and when I told my dad he said he wanted to buy her a riding lesson. It was funny because she was going to be riding a few times a week at college but he insisted that this was different, and I was to make sure it was a lesson from him.

That was the last day I saw him awake. I thought I would see him again 5 days later, as it was it only 4 but he was alseep and didn't wake up. I don't want to visit his grave knowing he's there, he shouldn't be there.

So sorry for your lost. You are not alone [hugs]
I've found that trying to be grateful for all the time I did have helped me and thankful for such a lovely parent and relationship with them. Not everyone gets that and even though we miss our beloved parents so much we are still so fortunate to have had them in the first place.
I hope tomorrow (today!) Goes well for you.

Thank you madroid I had the longest periods of 1 to 1 I'd every had with him this summer, and it those memories I am hanging on to, I think it's just going back over after being away for 5 weeks.

Part of it is because I would normally try and visit everyone during each school holiday so this should be a normal visit to see him but tomorrow will be 8 weeks since he died. Everything since his diagnosis in mid July has been a blur and I can't quite believe we are nearing the end of October.

Well dad it's two months today since you left us and it's still so hard to believe. It was awful having to visit your grave last week instead of visiting you at home and knowing that you don't live there anymore.

I went shopping yesterday and visited a shop full of buddha statues and I thought of you and Edith, I have her little one with me all the time now to try and help bring me some comfort. I miss you so much.

AugustRose, I'm so sorry for your loss. You're going through such a hard time. All I can say is that the grieving process changes as the weeks and months pass, and it does become a bit less chaotic as there are fewer practicalities to deal with, and your thoughts become a little more coherent.

We found the Maggie's centre helped us a lot and offered family and individual counselling after a recent bereavement in our family, also due to lung cancer. They also give counselling online, and you might find it comforting. Do you know about the Roy Castle Lung Cancer Foundation? It might help you to feel better if you get involved - not now, while you are so busy, but later on you might like to have a look at their website?

This is a difficult time for you, and I hope you are getting the support you need .

Thank you Solo I'll look into the Maggie's centre. We do know about the Roy Castle Foundation and asked for donations instead of flowers specifically for that charity. Although we hadn't used them it felt appropriate for dad, even though we only knew about his lung cancer for a short time, plus he used to watch Roy Castle programmes years ago.

Again it's the small things that get me. Yesterday I was cleaning out my fridge and I was thinking about doing it for you. There was an awful smell and we couldn't work out what was causing it so cleaned out the whole fridge, except we had to do it in small bits when you didn't notice because you were getting frustrated that you couldn't do things for yourself.

And this morning I opened a jar of plum jam that I bought from a shop in our home town, a shop I hadn't visited in years and was only in there to get you something you needed, and that was the shop you always went to.

I wonder if they miss you too, I wonder if they notice you haven't been in a long time. I know they will be missing you at the bingo because Gill told me it wasn't the same after Edith died and then you not being able to go. Some days are OK and others it just hurts too much.

This time last year I was worrying about you spending your first christmas without Edith and how you would be, but you still put up your decorations as she had always done and I was pleased about that.

This year I am sat here thinking of spending our first christmas without you, so much has changed in the last year that I could not have imagined, I didn't think we would have such a short time left with you. I hope you are together, enjoying a drink. I miss you so much.

Hi AugustRose. I’m so sorry about your Dad. My dad died 11 years ago from cancer. It was 5 months between diagnosis and his death. Not anything like you poor father but it still felt horribly quick at the time.
Please be kind to yourself. It’s emotuonally and physically exhausting. The pain doesn’t ever fade but I can honestly say that it does get easier with time.
Some people will disappoint you with how they behave and some will surprise you. I’m less willing to put up with crap now, it might also be my age! I’m 46.
I hope your first ever Christmas without him wasn’t too painful. X

Happy Birthday Dad, I hope you liked the stone H made for you and Edith and the flowers. We're all a bit sad that the stonemason didn't do your headstone in time for today but hopefully soon, I just want people to know where you are. It's awful because for so long I looked at that space when I visited Edith and hated it, because I knew one day your name would be there too, I just didn't expect it to be so soon. And now I want him to hurry up because it feels like you are nowhere, does that make sense. Probably not and I'm just rambling.

F got a bowler hat for his birthday today and is wearing it to school, no doubt you would laugh at how he looked, he thinks he is very dapper!

It helps to know you are forever linked to two of my boys, we miss you every day - how can you have been gone half a year already xx

It's been almost 10 months now and tomorrow will be our first Father's Day without you. Your headstone is back in place so at least everyone knows where you are now although it breaks my heart to see your name there. I'm coming to see you tomorrow with Matt, he misses you terribly as we all do. It still feels very surreal, I can't understand how you left so quickly - well I do, because you didn't tell us anything was wrong until it was too late, but I think you knew that. xxx

Hi OP. I didn't want to leave your last post unanswered so this is just a little note to say I hope Father's Day today wasn't too painful for you and that you were able to remember some good times, as well as the sad ones xxx

Hi autumnrose your story has touched me very much this was also my 1st fathers day without my dad he only died 10 weeks ago., it was very sudden he was diagnosed with cancer last summer operated in all going well then March went in for another operation to remove a tumour we were told everything had spread and he was going to live a few months and he died a week later the shock of his quickly he went is in believable I miss him everyday especially long summer days when he should be out farming with my brothers

Thank you for your message bobdylan and I'm sorry about your dad too. It is a shock how quickly cancer can take those we love, we thought we would have a few months at least not just weeks.

I have been thinking about you all day today as it's GCSE results day and last year I was so torn and filled with guilt. I was looking after you and Imo had to call me with her results as I wasn't there. When I told you she had passed you insisted you wanted to pay for a riding lesson for her, even though I told you she would be riding at college all the time you insisted.

I left later that day and it was the last time I saw you awake, the next time I saw you 4 days later you had slipped into unconciousness and died the following day. It's been a year. I've been here before, I know it takes time to accept but it hurts just the same. 10 years for F, he'd be going into year 5 now.