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Original poster

Lack of support

11 replies

Rollerbilly5 · 06/04/2018 21:23

I'm helping nurse a family member at the end of their life at the moment. I have a very young family and am finding it all incredibly exhausting as I am trying to support everyone else. I feel like I need some support myself but it's not forthcoming. The more tired I am getting the less able I am to control my emotions. Any wisdom would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
chattyc · 06/04/2018 21:33

I didn't want to read and run I have to say I have been in your position before once when we knew it would happen and another when I had the police knocking on the door saying half of my family were dead/in a coma not likely to survive, so I completely sympathise and am so sorry you are going through this. If possible (and I know this is hard) can you get someone to help for maybe an hour so you go and have an hour to yourself so you can do something that is just for you or to just rest? I know it doesn't help much but feel free to message me as sometimes just ranting can help as well. Again I am sorry for you going through this.

Original poster
Rollerbilly5 · 06/04/2018 21:52

Thank you, your message means a lot. Just for someone to say "I know". I'm so sorry you've been through this too. I could get away for an hour but all muddled up with this is feeling I want to be there with my relative for every possible moment I can as there isn't much time left. I would just like it if someone would offer to cook meals, do the washing, run the house etc to take a bit of the load...however no one has but everyone is happy to eat the meals, have clean clothes etc. I am stretched so thinly. I just need someone to fill my emotional tank back up so that I can keep giving out. It all sounds so selfish written down. Perhaps I ought to put on my big girl pants and crack on.

OP posts:
Keel · 06/04/2018 21:57

OP if you live in South Yorkshire let me know and I will help you. I've been in this situation and it's horrible and heartbreaking. Have you got any friends nearby who could help. Also wondering if there's a local hospice. We used ours with my dad and there were brilliant. Thinking if you x

trickyboots · 06/04/2018 21:58

It is awful, surreal and very very painful business. Sorry you are going through it. Can only advise to ask for help (any adult who is eating or looking for clean clothes), to let your standards drop (everyone will understand). If its any help, you will never ever regret the effort you made for the person you love at the end of their life.

Orangeseed · 06/04/2018 22:11

I've been in this situation, it's hard beyond belief, people will understand.
You don't have to cope and do it all alone. If there is another adult / capable teenager, txt or call them, tell them what to put in the oven, keep it simple, frozen pizza for example, tell them to stick a load in the wash, tell them to do the dishes. They are probably just used to you doing it and don't realise you can't do it right now.

Orangeseed · 06/04/2018 22:12

And it doesn't matter if some jobs go undone, dust will still be there in a few weeks, hovering can wait....

BrazzleDazzleDay · 06/04/2018 22:20

I would just like it if someone would offer to cook meals, do the washing, run the house etc to take a bit of the load...however no one has but everyone is happy to eat the meals, have clean clothes etc

By this do yiu mean dh/dc etc? I think so and that's totally unacceptable. Ignorant selfish fuckers

Original poster
Rollerbilly5 · 06/04/2018 22:33

Thank you all for your messages.
Brazzle DC are preschoolers and a baby - not trained them up to cook meals just yet! DH is working. I am wistfully wishing someone would offer but there isnt really anyone to offer. My Dad is here but I'm trying to take the burden off him rather than him cook etc.

We're away from home due to this situation at the moment (sadly not Yorkshire but THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for the offer Keel). I know no one here so can't call on any friends for help. Hospice nurses are coming in as my relative is at home at his request.

So grateful for MNetters! Thanks, it's helping to offload on here.

OP posts:
Lostpuzzlepiece · 26/04/2018 16:34

So sorry to hear this. I can't imagine how stressful it must be.
If by any chance you are in London, please let me. I'll do what I can to help.

Smeddum · 26/04/2018 16:43

Perhaps I ought to put on my big girl pants and crack on

Sounds like you already have those on, and you’re doing an amazing job! It’s understandable that you’re wiped out physically, mentally and emotionally, don’t beat yourself up about that.

When my mum was at home in the last stages of palliative care I was so exhausted I was seeing things, so was Dad. It’s completely normal to be exhausted, and it’s a traumatic time for you too.

If you’re west Scotland central belt I’m around if you need someone Smile

BonApp · 26/04/2018 18:20

Is this your first contact with the hospice? I hope they help, they have been great in our experience (though my dad is an inpatient). They might know of some way to help you too.

Do you have anyone who can look after the children for you? I was on my knees with a toddler and a baby without a poorly relative so I can well imagine you feel stretched.

Can you increase childcare or nursery/preschool hours?

Can you batch cook so you’ve got enough for a couple of nights or for the freezer? Or use those Cook ready meals (or any ready meals)?

In my experience people want to help, so now is the time to ask friends and other family. I am awful at asking for help, find it really hard, but it sounds like you need it.

Good for you for holding things togetherrhis far. Surreal and exhausting sum it up.

Best wishes....

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