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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Brother dying

20 replies

annikin · 25/02/2018 22:30

Hi all, just wanted to connect with others who are maybe going through something similar.
My brother was diagnosed with melanoma in October, we were told all along it was incurable, but had hoped to hold it at bay for a couple of years at least with various drugs.
Sadly this week we have been told there is nothing more the doctors can do, and he has a few months left. He is only 46.
There are so many sad aspects - he was so clever but it is attacking his brain, he leaves a wife and two small children, my parents have to watch their son die, and I lose my big brother. Just horrendous all round.
I know there is nothing anyone can do, but just wanted to maybe find a few people who are going/have gone through something similar.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

aprilanne · 25/02/2018 22:35

i have no experience of this situation but my sympathies go your family at this terrible time maybe just spend as much time as you can all together and help each other through

BonApp · 26/02/2018 10:27

No experience with losing a sibling but my dad is probably in his last weeks (maybe months but I don’t think so really) of a terminal illness so I understand a little of the despair.

Take your brother’s lead. Tell him you love him.

A colleague lost her brother when he was 30 after having had cancer on and off for 8 years, and she found it consoling to seek out others who had lost a sibling.

I would echo that to a degree in that I only really want to talk about stuff with my dad with people who understand what it feels like to be losing a parent. Everyone else tries to say the right things but somehow it mainly helps when talking to people who have been through it too.

Lots of love and best wishes to you, your brother and the rest of your family

LuckyBitches · 26/02/2018 11:03

I lost my little brother in somewhat similar circumstances OP. It was four years ago. He had what should have been a very treatable lymphoma, but he just didn't respond to treatment at all, and it killed him within a year of diagnosis. It was, and is, so awful. Although now I can say that it's become part of my story, it doesn't hurt like it used to.

Unlike your brother, mine didn't seem to know he was dying - he was being prepared for a stem cell transplant when he suddenly went downhill, and he was out of it for the last few days before he died.
He didn't have children, but he had so much to live for, and I loved him so much, we all did/do. I'm afraid I don't have any advice, except to remember that you're not alone. There are millions of people in the world facing a similar loss to you, and millions more who are on the other side of it. But somehow it feels so lonely sometimes.

Original poster

annikin · 26/02/2018 20:49

Thanks for your messages.

And Lucky, with it attacking his brain, I think he has forgotten his prognosis, which I think in his case is for the best.

OP posts:

londonpia · 26/02/2018 20:54

I lost my brother suddenly, so can't relate to the situation that you are sadly in. However, what I found helpful after he died was the support from others who had lost their siblings. I was supporting my mum and sister in law, and people around me were thinking of them and urging me to be strong for them, so it was so helpful to be able to talk about my brother to people who were in the same boat.

I am so sorry about your news xxx

Original poster

annikin · 05/03/2018 11:53

He has gone. I literally keep thinking it's not real. I had to get up in the night to recheck text messages and reread the cards my dds gave me, to make sure it was true. He was so young - how is this possible? He will miss out on so much, and so will his wife and children. My poor parents lost their son. And he was my big brother, always there for my entire life. Can't believe he's not here now...

OP posts:

SandysMam · 05/03/2018 11:56

so sorry for your loss.

Worieddd · 05/03/2018 11:59

I am so sorry

PanannyPanoo · 05/03/2018 12:01

I am so very sorry.
please feel free to private message me if you need to off load your emotions to someone who doesn't know you but does understand.

myrtleWilson · 05/03/2018 12:07

Am so sorry for your loss. My younger sister died (cancer) earlier this year and we were all able to spend time together at the hospice. She has a young child and their school have been excellent in offering support/keeping a watchful eye. I don't know how old your brother's children are but children can be very resilient (although that in itself has its own issues). Do tell us more about your brother if it helps..

myrtleWilson · 05/03/2018 12:09

Apologies my sister died last year but it's not yet been a year since she died. I think I must subconsciously count time from her death hence "earlier this year" anyway, apologies for the error

chocolatewine · 05/03/2018 12:58

My condolences to you and all your family. xx

LuckyBitches · 06/03/2018 12:21

annikin I'm so sorry.

When my brother died I knew logically that he had died, but at the same time I didn't understand why everyone was offering condolences, as he wasn't dead dead. Whatever that's supposed to mean! I saw him when he was dying, and went to his funeral, but I didn't see his body. I think it would have helped if I had, that's my one regret.

Grief can feel like insanity - keep posting here if it helps, we've all been there.

Original poster

annikin · 06/03/2018 14:22

Thanks everyone. I'm starting to get my head around it I think. Then all of a sudden something hits me out of nowhere, but I think that might happen for a while.

Lucky - I was there the whole time, and did see him afterwards, but it's still hard to believe... I think it's nature's way of protecting you - disbelief until you're 'ready' to believe it...

OP posts:

lostforinspiration · 06/03/2018 19:02

So sorry for your loss. My sister has motor neurone disease. She is 43. It is awful. I sometimes wake up in the morning and think it is all a bad dream. I think it will take a while for it to sink in. We have to be kind to ourselves.

Corneliasedet · 06/03/2018 20:08

I am so sorry.

My big brother died as a result of brain cancer almost 4 years ago. It’s a horrible thing to experience. I miss my brother every day. The only thing that I try to focus on is that at least I knew him and so many people didn’t. He genuinely was one of the world’s best. Just take it a day or a moment at a time and remember to be kind to yourself.

Pandamanda3 · 10/03/2018 19:51

Just read your post and wanted to say I share your pain, my baby brother 37 died the day after your brother. He had lots of illnesses however went in for routine blood count issue within 24 hours his liver failed we were told he is going on transplant list, waiting for a transfer to a liver unit bed he then had a cardiac arrest was intubated in icu, and sadly not long after him picking up a little we were advised he suffered bleeding in the brain and there was nothing we could do. He passed 20 min later.
I just wanted to tell you that your not alone , I understand your feelings and thoughts I can’t accept it either I just feel robbed and why?
My heart goes out to you and I hope you manage to cope and find a place eventually for it, as I do for myself, right now it’s just one long day and nothing is easy.
God bless his family too your all in my prayers.
Feel free to pp me if talking about it helps I don’t mind it may help me too because right now as I say I feel broken and lost.
Take care and my deepest condolences to you all x

mastertomsmum · 27/03/2018 14:27

So sorry for your loss.

My bro has had cancer since 2016 but now has gone into decline. They are saying 2 weeks.

My only sibling, well all his life until then. DS age 12, very sad. His wife and family brave but all in pieces.

onlyoranges · 27/03/2018 21:28

I lost my elder brother when I was 19 he was 21. Then 3 years ago my younger brother, 37 died very suddenly. Someone mentioned it not feeling real and that’s how it felt, still feels sometimes, to me. He was so full of life and I am still at the stage of sometimes thinking oh I must tell him that, just for a split second, then the pain comes. I have an ache that never goes. But losing my elder brother when we were just barley out of childhood has taught me it does lessen, the awful raw pain, over time as you learn to live a new kind of life without their physical presence in it. I am sorry for all your loses and your pain.

HoveToffeeCrisp · 15/04/2018 02:01

My sister died of cancer 2 years ago aged 51. She was ill for 2.5 years and suffered so much and we knew all along it was incurable. I've had counselling which helped but the best decision I made was to go on antidepressants. Losing a sibling is so hard so please take all the help going. I still can't really process it and it is so hard seeing my Mum upset xx

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