Just starting to grieve for my mum. Its hit me like a slap in the face

[PavlovtheCat]

Oh I dont really know where to start. My emotions feel all over the place today.

My mum died January 26th 2007 after a horrid aggressive cancer, aged 66. My first daughter was 6 months old.

The last few months, I have been in a 'bubble' I guess. Had lots of things that have taken priority - getting my DDs sleep routine back on track, arguments in the family, trouble at work to sort out, planning my wedding.

Yesterday, I spoke to an old friend, from when I was a child, she knew my mum, her mum died 3 years ago under similar circumstances, lots of parallels. She was my best friend and it was great to talk to her, it was not sad, or depressing, it was wonderful, we talked about everything, not just our mums. I did not feel sad afterwards.

But then through the course of the day I thought more and more about mum, became more and more irritable, irrational, tearful, and now I cant stop crying, I feel, lost, desperately sad, everything is upsetting me, my partner and are arguing lots, my poor DD is looking at us like she is confused (she is 10mths).

I see her and I feel an overpowering sense of protection, of love and utter wonderment, and that makes me feel tearful. I see her toys and I feel happier than I ever had, and sadder than I ever had, and I dont know why I am feeling like this now.

Its come on so suddenly and its overpowering and full of things I do not undestand. All my emotions seem mixed up and confused, good and bad, sad and happy.

I am meant to be at work after time off after mum died/maternity leave/work problems and only been back three weeks, last week I had flu/bug and only just recovering, and now off again and i feel guilty about that.

Sorry, I just think I needed to write some of it all down.

I miss my mum more than I ever thought possible, and I dont know how I am ever going to get over it. I thought I was coping, mny Gp said it was 'absence of coping' and now I am grieving, I thought I had done it already.

It does get better over time, it just takes a while.

My mum died near the end of January, 2006. (I've semi-intentionally forgot the date.) It was a surprise, more or less - heart attack caused by long-term diabetes, she'd had angina, but wouldn't exercise etc etc.

Losing your mum is really hard. Now, over a year on, I feel like I'm coming out from under it, mostly. (And I saw my mom for about a week per year, and emailed her once in a while - she was hardly a strong presence in my life.)

Pavlov , don't really know what to say. Your pain must be immense. Take your time, I know it's easier said than done, but don't be afraid to grieve.

Sorry to hear about your mother PavlovtheCat.
My father died many years ago and I remember the terrible sadness hitting me a few months after he died.
I think during the initial period you are often too caught up in the shock and practicalities there is actually little time to grieve.
People are often uncomfortable about other people's grief and want you to 'move on'.
I hope that things become less painful.

let these feelings come pav, you need to let yourself grieve. Arctic is right, the initial shock is what you have experienced followed by everything else you have had to deal with over the last year. it is only now that other things have perhaps settled down and you are able to focus on the terrible blow that has been dealt to you and your family. i am lucky to have my mum, but i have experienced the loss of someone very very close after which my gp and my counsellor both said that grief normally hits you up to two years after the loss. have you had any counselling? Cruise bereavement counseeling are very understanding, and of course, we are here to listen too.

Thanks everyone. I have been 'dwelling' on things for a while, and although it has been like a tear in my stomach, it has been 'dealable', but images of how she was last time I saw her keep coming back, and I cant stop thinking about the lost time, time she will never have with me and my family.

Prior to becoming ill, we talked about her moving to Plymouth to grow old near us, near my daughter. I wanted to be there to help her put lightbulbs in when she got too frail, to take her shopping, to go to the zoo with DD, to pop in for coffee (she lived in London). The lady downstairs is moving out and we talked about renting it for her. When she became unwell, but did not know what was wrong, a stomach bug, I went to visit her, dropped everything as I felt something was wrong, and we both talked about her moving here, and she agreed it was a good idea, and we started the ball rolling. I wanted then just to pack her stuff up and move her near me, I had wanted it for years.

And just before we had a chance to do it, she was taken from me. I feel selfish, my sister looked afer her when she was ill, but prior to that had seen her as a burden.

I never had a chance to make up for the shit life she had, like I had planned. I wanted to spoil her and treat her like she had me, and I never got to do it.

And you are right. People think I am over it already. Its like I should be back at work now, getting on with my life. It only feels in the last two days that I have started whatever it is I am meant to start.

I know no-one can help me actually deal with this. But its harder than I thought it would be.

It's now 7 years since my mum died, also cancer, and 3 weeks before by second child was born. It's normal to have a numb period after someone has died, but I think you are so emotionally and physically connected with a tiny baby that it's difficult to grieve properly. I remember almost carrying on as if nothing had happened and then it suddenly hit me at 6 months that I'd lost my mum. I was so upset that she'd never seen her GD and that she would miss out on something that I know she'd have loved, also that I'd miss sharing it with her. It was a horrible time, black and ugly but you DO get through and children are the best reason to carry on and be happy.

have you opened up to dp? it may help if he realises why you have not been yourself lately.
its great that you are feeling a mixture of positive emotions too - perhaps you can try to focus on these and gain strength from them,

pavlov - other people can help you deal with this. does it help to talk, to write it down? you are not on your own!

oh pavlov other people can help you sweetheart - cruse for starters or even your gp. most people at work wil hide behind their embarrassment at not knowing what to say to help you i suspect. i too lost my mom (nearly 8 years ago to ovarian cancer) and i now know i was in shock for a looong time. (even tho it was expected). your gp may well talk about the stages of grief which may have time frames - but these are purely arbitrary - different people take different amounts of time. for people at work to expect you to be over your feelings is extremely unreasonable- she is your mother and always will be. it is a physical pain to lose your mother.

it doesn't depend on what you believe but i have something to tell you - your mother will have realised what you did for her, even tho it may not seem a lot for you. please cat me if you wish she will also understand that you did not have time to do certain things for her that you wished to do.

Cathcart - My DP lost his dad two years ago. He dealt with it very differently to me.

He is the most supportive person I know, he is fantastic, but he also does not understand why I deal with my emotions the way I do. He does not see why I should take it out on him, even when I try to explain why, or to apologise. He tends to get angry when I cry, it makes him uncomfortable/guilty/out of control I guess. He knows how i feel, and understands when I am talking rationally, when I know what I am feeling, and how to express my feelings, but when I am bombarded with new stuff that make me act a little odd, he takes it so personally, and when I try to explain, its like, well I have upset him and I need to understand this.

Yesterday, I upset him with my behaviour because I was a bit offhand with him in the morning, and the day was so screwed because it took a while to understand myself why the conversation with friend had effected me, and as I was able to work through it he was already too angry with me to talk. WE got it sorted eventually.

He does know how much mum meant to me, and also misses her himself. It has also brought back to him I think the death of his own dad.

I also feel, I dont know, so vulnerable with every part of me exposed. I am usually so in control of myself. Not negatively so, but able to rationalise and understand myself and my relationship.

This time, I just dont understand.

Fransmon - mum had ovarian cancer too. It all happened so quickly in the scheme of things. She was going to be there at the birth of my baby, she was going to give me away at my wedding as my dad is not around. I knew she was going to die, and I saw how she died, but its still like its not real.

I saw my GP this morning, she was actually fantastic. I went in to get a sick note for work as I still have this flu thing, and I was crying before I even sad down. She was great actually, she did talk about grief stages but not in terms of timescales, but more about processes and where I am at now. She said that she feels I have been in the denial stage, although it has often felt like the anger stage, and that what I am feeling perfectly normal and I have to allow myself to work through it, and not try to bottle it up. She talked from an emotional rather than a professional point of view, gave me no. for CRUSE, and I am going back in two weeks. She gave me two weeks off work, said I should use the time to find some space for myself, not being a mum or partner, but being me, and try to find some space to do something I like.

I cant cat. I dont have that facility

have to go for now pavlov - back to check on you tommorow. Try and get a good nights sleep! x

Cathcart. thanks for your support

Hi Pavlov. I'm sorry about your mum. It's normal to feel this way. Grief is a strange and terrible beast and it affects everyone differently and (cliche I know) can be a horrible roller coaster where you feel it's bearable one minute and not the next.

Your gp sounds lovely. Be kind to yourself. It takes time but it does get better. And in terms of hormones and having a small baby it's bound to be hard.

Pavlov, I really feel for you. My mum died of cancer 6 years ago when DD1 was 8 months - it happened so quickly. I had just gone back to work and bottled it all up, until DD 2 came along, 18 months later.

I thought I'd been coping so well and then it all kicked in. The realisation that my daughters would never know her and that she would miss out on them, sent me reeling. My doctor and health visitor were amazing and really helped me.

I can't really suggest anything except to talk about her with people who loved her and if you can look back at pictures of happier times. The more you look at these, the quicker the images of the last few few weeks will go.

I don't think you ever get over this, but it does get more bearable in time. I still have a little cry every so often, but it's not the raw, painful cries of a few years ago. It's now much softer and about remembering the happier things.

Your child will also help. Every time I look at my DC, I really feel a part of my mother is still with me and that she would be so proud of them.

So sorry to hear that its hit you so badly, I remember you were going through a tough time about work issues too.

I hope you have people around you for support

WW - that rollercoaster is exactly what I have been feeling the last two days. I had been expecting it for ages and it never happened, so I thought it would not come.

And, it seems daft, right now I just want to cry and cry and it is not all about mum. Its about everything.
Earlier this afternoon, I thought, I dont need any time of work, already had lots (which I probably did not need at the time, just thought I did, need it now more) and considered going back to GP to revoke med cert, and then, 1 hour later, DP and I have minor disagreement and I am tearful again.

GG - I cant look at pictures of her right now, esp of her with DD. She never got to see her when she was well. Although many of the earlier pictures are when she was not so ill looking many of them have her with very very short hair, and red skinned due to effects of chemo, so while those pictures are precious, they are still to raw to see right now. I hope in time I can look at them without feeling upset as they are the only pictures of my DD and her that I have.

chocoolate - yes I did. much of my work issues were made worse by this. I have just got things sorted at work, made progress so I now feel absolutely awful that just as I am back on track, I am off again and my colleague who hardly know me are just going to see a flakey member of staff who cant be relied on. But its just a job and work has caused me sososo much stress over the last year, I wont allow it to do any more. I did not ask for time off work, my GP advised it so they can just wait for me to be ready to return .

Thanks for remembering me. I am not always depressed with issues I promise, I do often have good posts. I did one the other day about my wonderful daughter

I'm sure people do not think think that pav! Which is why you recieve a warm, supportive response when you need it!
off to bed now x

just to add my sympathy. losing parents while becoming parents is tragic timing. my mum died two years ago, ovarian cancer, when my daughter was one. she had such a wonderful relationship with my son (then 5) and i still sob if a 'granny' aged lady is kind to us. Anyway i wanted to say that i had a really unpredictable and devastating but not-directly-linkable reaction to losing mum (5 years after dad had died too) and i didn't understand what was happening. but now, looking back, i can see that grief can take all sorts of forms. for me it was huge huge insecurity, even though i had loads of support. i couldn't sleep or eat for fear. anyway, i'm better now. so glad too. just ride along with it, accept it and get help from gp etc whenever you need it.

Always - thank you for your kind words. Its how I feel, swept along. I get knots of anxiousness which grabs at me, sort of fear but at what I dont know...

thanks everyone for your words, support and understanding. Its good to know I am not alone in this.

Pavlovthecat,

What you have experienced is "delayed shock"; after your Mum's passing you had other things that took place in your life. This is perfectly normal and understandable, this scenario of delayed shock happens to an awful lot of people.

Now those issues you originally mention have been dealt with as much as possible your mind now turns to thoughts of your Mum and the grieving process starts again.

There is no set time for grieving and people grieve in all sorts of different ways. No one way is better than another. You will evntually come to the acceptance stage of grieving.

CRUSE bereavement care are very good and would suggest you talk with them if you want to. www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk is their website.

I wish you well.

Atilla - I am going to call CRUSE today. Feel a lot better, but I think its because I jhave just stuck my head back in the sand.

Morning Pav, glad you are feeling a bit better today, it probably helped to open up yesterday. You are right to still call cruse though as you obviously need to work through your feelings. good luck with it and let us know how you get on if you want.

morning Cathcart. Its DDs 10mth birthday today, so I think that has helped lift my spirits too.
I appreciate you checking out how I am