Just starting to grieve for my mum. Its hit me like a slap in the face

[PavlovtheCat]

Oh I dont really know where to start. My emotions feel all over the place today.

My mum died January 26th 2007 after a horrid aggressive cancer, aged 66. My first daughter was 6 months old.

The last few months, I have been in a 'bubble' I guess. Had lots of things that have taken priority - getting my DDs sleep routine back on track, arguments in the family, trouble at work to sort out, planning my wedding.

Yesterday, I spoke to an old friend, from when I was a child, she knew my mum, her mum died 3 years ago under similar circumstances, lots of parallels. She was my best friend and it was great to talk to her, it was not sad, or depressing, it was wonderful, we talked about everything, not just our mums. I did not feel sad afterwards.

But then through the course of the day I thought more and more about mum, became more and more irritable, irrational, tearful, and now I cant stop crying, I feel, lost, desperately sad, everything is upsetting me, my partner and are arguing lots, my poor DD is looking at us like she is confused (she is 10mths).

I see her and I feel an overpowering sense of protection, of love and utter wonderment, and that makes me feel tearful. I see her toys and I feel happier than I ever had, and sadder than I ever had, and I dont know why I am feeling like this now.

Its come on so suddenly and its overpowering and full of things I do not undestand. All my emotions seem mixed up and confused, good and bad, sad and happy.

I am meant to be at work after time off after mum died/maternity leave/work problems and only been back three weeks, last week I had flu/bug and only just recovering, and now off again and i feel guilty about that.

Sorry, I just think I needed to write some of it all down.

I miss my mum more than I ever thought possible, and I dont know how I am ever going to get over it. I thought I was coping, mny Gp said it was 'absence of coping' and now I am grieving, I thought I had done it already.

you sound like the most wonderful dd

hope my dds grow up to be as caring to me as you have been to your mum.

x

ahhh ! happy birthday dd! I still get that lift every week birthday . 12 last week! Nothing like dd's to lift you is there?!

Enid - thanks but i dont feel caring . I feel like I let her down. I feel like I opted out of caring for her (iwas pregnant dp reminds me often and mum was worried about my stress levels etc and impacting on my first baby etc, but still feel i should have done more), I feel like I should have visited more, texted more, i go over in my head all the times I was a bit short with her.

Sorry feeling down again, had shit health visitor banging on about dds weight again (nothing bloody wrong with her) and a friend who is selfish and took the right royal piss today. I would usually be on the phone to mum wingeing!!

cathcart belated 12th birthday to your dd!

Pavlov - sorry that you're going through this. I haven't lost a parent yets so don't really know what you're going through, but my thoughts are with you...

PAVLOV I really feel for you,but everything you say is perfectly normal.it can take a long time for grief to 'hit' you and when it does it comes so unexpectedly and hits you like a truck.it's been two years since i lost my mam to cancer and even now every day is a struggle.i can't help but feel robbed(she was 46) of a mother and grandmother to my 2 kids,dd was only a year when she died so has no memory of her and ds aged 7 is slowly forgetting her.it took about 6 months to really hit me as i was so busy arranging the funeral,looking after my father who couldn't cope at all and became an alcoholic and my sister who was 15 turned to drugs so i never even had time to acnowledge her death.even at the chapel of rest when i went to do her hair and make-up it was so surreal like i was dressing a doll.when it hit me i needed time off work-around 4 months and a course of anti depressants to get me through the worst.

I feel for you PavlovtheCat. It is unnerving when grief hits you without much warning. I also agree with everything on this thread as I lost my mum to ovarian cancer too but 11 years ago now. For me it was also a while before the true deep sadness and emptiness hit. We were only given the diagnosis after her death as she was admitted to hospital feeling really unwell after a 3 weeks of loss of appetite, sickness etc. The funeral, clearing of house (it was for sale as she was looking for a smaller place) my new marriage masked the pain but then the utter sadness and frustration of not being able to see her, talk to her seeped in. It does pass, believe me, but even now I cannot put a photo of her on display and can only look at the photos for a few seconds before I put them back in a bag (I cannot understand this as I would love to put a photo in a lovely frame in the house. The not living to see her GD is so sad for you all. My daugther was born 7 years after she died and how our lives would have enriched by her presence. I hope you get some support to get through these dark times. Friends do clamp up on the topic and only my best friend from school days brings her into the conversation regularly and at appropriate times. I am so so grateful for that as it acknowledges that she lived and was loved and respected. I too, bring her into conversation at appropriate times, as I will not pretend she was not important and if people have trouble with that tough!! Sorry for such a long post.

Pavlovthecat who I 'know' and others - there is a Bereavement board on Rollercoaster.ie which is quite active if anyone is looking for a moan, or just to read other people's stories from the same time perspective. The first year is very bumpy, and very tough on the people who try to support you.

stleger - thanks for this, I will go have a look. Work have been good. Although I worry about the impact of this in my re-integration to work, and a new team, as it coincides with a long period off due to maternity leave, and work related problems.
I will go check it out today.
Hope you are well.

Thank you for such kind and supportive posts. Ruby - how long as it been for you? Recent? I am sorry you are also finding it hard.

It is good to know that there are others who experience this too, and that these emotions are 'normal' if there is such a thing.

Onlytheone - i was able to have pictures up for a good few weeks after mum's death. I sort of thought why on earth would I not? And then, one day, I found it too hard, but still not crying or unmanagable emotions. It was this weekend that it all happened, and now everything reminds me of her, all the time. I went for a walk in the Bluebell Woods near where DP and I are are getting married in September, and I just thought how she would have loved it, which then made me think of the wedding, and how she wont be there. Then DP said that he thought mum would have loved it here. He was quite close to her too, and it is always there for him, and for me.

There is some family tension at the moment too, so I dont really feel I can get support there, and maybe that I should be supporting my sister more, who is older than me. But I am very angry with her right now about a few things, and I find it hard to think about her grief without feeling let down that she is not there for me.

Oh, I know it will get easier. I just with that time would happen now!

Thanks again for the wonderful support, and I am sorry for all the loss you have all experienced too.

there is no timetable to grief and no right or wrong way - it gets you when it and how it gets you - usually in totally unexpected and seemingly irrational ways (I sat on a pavement in Athens drying my eyes out 9 months after my dad died).

It never goes the way "people" expect it to - and anyone who has been through it will understand - and those that haven't - they have it coming to them sometime in the future.

You are allowed to be floored by it - for a while - and then you find ways to carry on with your life. You just have to find your own way through it in your own time (which may or may not involve counselling etc).

And remember your DH is grieving too - both for your mum, his dad - and for what you have lost.

Talk to him - tell him what you are feeling - give him a chance to tell you what he is feeling.

It will get better.

crying not drying !

I don't think bereavement is something you ever really get over - it just becomes part of the baggage you carry around with you. It becomes more copable with and eventually it doesn't stop you being happy, but it's always there. My Mum died when I was 16 (24 years ago) and my father 4 years ago - I still think about them constantly, and I think that's how it should be - I feel less sad now, but am still sometimes overwhelmed by how much I miss them. It's all very raw and recent for you - coupled with all the other stuff you have to deal with - just go very easy on yourself.

in my opinion time is a sort of healer nothing gets easier as the longer times goes the more i miss them but i think time can take that raw feeling away gradually

Pavlov, I have only just seen this. I don't really have anything useful to add. Your mum is a huge part of your life and she always will be, she lives on in your memories.

I am not a huggy type of person but I am sending you big hugs right now.

Lots of love, nogoes xxx.

Yes, PavlovtheCat (love the name!) good advice - do be easy on yourself and expect the unexpected if you know what I mean. I had a great morning horse riding a few weeks after mum died and totally without thinking about her suddenly started sobbing in the car on the way home. I had to stop and calm myself down. It was a Sunday and I think ideas of old Sunday family lunches were lurking in my memory bank! Allow yourself to be upset and talk, talk, talk to anyone who will listen. You cannot carry it all around in your head.

Pavlov,you have had loads to deal with in the past few months.I think,especially when you have your own children,you realise there is no one quite like your own mum,as you realise how much they loved you and what they were going through too,that unconditional love..You are grieving and that is normal and healthy.Do not feel guilty .Watching a loved one going through the horrid changes that cancer entails is awful.Sending hugs,Wrinkly.

I find it hard to talk. I find I am upset about things I would not normally be upset at, that are not necessarily to do with mum, like you. At other times I can talk about her and think about her with, well, its like with absence of emotion, like I dont feel anything. Thats how I feel most of the time. Like, yeah I know she's gone, I cant change it. Its just the way it goes. I know thats not how I feel deep down, and I dont even want to feel like that, but its how I feel most of the time, if that makes sense?
And I find that I just clam up when I could talk about her to people. I do not want to bring her up, as I just dont want to deal with the uncomfortableness of it all with others, they look away, change subject. Some people have even visibly shifted their weight away slightly.

However, the friend who I had mentioned. Her mum passed away 3 yrs ago, and she has a LO my DDs age, almost, and she called me today to invite me to hers for a few days. I am going to go. She left a message and I did not want to call her back as I did not want to talk about mum, but she seemed to know what to say.

I also feel like, with others, you dont know what I am feeling, how can you, you did not know much like I did, whats the point in trying to explain how I feel. It just feels like the only person who can hear me/understand me, is me.

That probably does not make sense. I am used to being quite open with my feelings, emotions flow quite easily from me, in fact I cant usually help myself but wear my heart on my sleeve. But right now, I feel, stuck.

Apart from on MN. But I suspect even here, I have a mask to hide behind so can distance myself from what I write a little.

Am I rambling? I cant sleep.

It feels like from what you are writing that you have only recently had time to begin grieving about your mum.The fact that you are writing it down is good.Even though your friend has gone through her mums death it will not be exactly the same but at least she may have some empathy IYKWIM?Go easy on yourself xxx

Thanks wrinkly, I am off to bed with my book now! DD will be up in 7 hours! night night

PavlovtheCat
My dad died when I was 12 I am now 42! It still hurts and makes me cry as I think of it. I don't think there is ever a right or wrong time to grieve.
It catches you out, a memory, a smell, a picture, a word, a place, a song....it makes us human and teaches us the desire to love and be loved.

Thinking of what you x

My Mother died thinking that I was still with a violent bastard. To this day I think she gave up because of this.

That was 15 years ago. Grief does calm down with time.

Can you plant something and call it 'Mums Corner' and put a bench there, if not, just have a photo and light a candle next to it.

Pavlov - I'm not stalking you! On the other board I mentioned there is a woman who is at a similar point to you. She has been off work for 6 months - both parents died last year and she took time off. She is due to go back soon. She also has 'a sister'.... I think that was how I got talking to you a couple of months ago! I hope it is a good weekend for you, it is a tough emotional ride.

stleger - thanks for this, I feel ok today actually. My DD is absolutely wonderful at the moment (well, always ) and is becoming a little person before my very eyes. It is wonderful to be part of this, and I am thinking positively about what I have got and that mum wanted more than anything for my first experience of being a mother myself not to be clouded by her departure.

I am planning a trip to Glastonbury where mum always said her spirit would go, that might help