Oh I dont really know where to start. My emotions feel all over the place today.
My mum died January 26th 2007 after a horrid aggressive cancer, aged 66. My first daughter was 6 months old.
The last few months, I have been in a 'bubble' I guess. Had lots of things that have taken priority - getting my DDs sleep routine back on track, arguments in the family, trouble at work to sort out, planning my wedding.
Yesterday, I spoke to an old friend, from when I was a child, she knew my mum, her mum died 3 years ago under similar circumstances, lots of parallels. She was my best friend and it was great to talk to her, it was not sad, or depressing, it was wonderful, we talked about everything, not just our mums. I did not feel sad afterwards.
But then through the course of the day I thought more and more about mum, became more and more irritable, irrational, tearful, and now I cant stop crying, I feel, lost, desperately sad, everything is upsetting me, my partner and are arguing lots, my poor DD is looking at us like she is confused (she is 10mths).
I see her and I feel an overpowering sense of protection, of love and utter wonderment, and that makes me feel tearful. I see her toys and I feel happier than I ever had, and sadder than I ever had, and I dont know why I am feeling like this now.
Its come on so suddenly and its overpowering and full of things I do not undestand. All my emotions seem mixed up and confused, good and bad, sad and happy.
I am meant to be at work after time off after mum died/maternity leave/work problems and only been back three weeks, last week I had flu/bug and only just recovering, and now off again and i feel guilty about that.
Sorry, I just think I needed to write some of it all down.
I miss my mum more than I ever thought possible, and I dont know how I am ever going to get over it. I thought I was coping, mny Gp said it was 'absence of coping' and now I am grieving, I thought I had done it already.