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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Cannot understand why he chose to do this - suicide

15 replies

t00manytears · 19/01/2018 10:41

I am struggling to understand how this could have happened. Earlier this week my cousin hanged himself. He had, on the surface, everything to live for and left behind a doting wife and baby.

His life was full of love. His parents (my aunt and uncle) are completely devastated let alone his poor wife. I don't understand what drove him to this desperate act. Especially as he had a little baby who will now grow up without a dad.

I know suicide is not rational, but if he could have seen the devastation this would cause I don't know if he would have gone ahead and done this. His family will never be the same again.

I just cannot understand it....

OP posts:

Bookishh · 19/01/2018 10:43

You can't see anything but wanting to die.

Bookishh · 19/01/2018 10:44

A huge shock to his family. Sending you strength

endofthelinefinally · 19/01/2018 10:44

He must have been desperately mentally unwell.
I lost a sibling to suicide.
I am so sorry.

bonnymnemonic · 19/01/2018 10:47

Often those who are suicidal believe their nearest and dearest would be better off without them around. Or they are unable to see beyond themselves - not out of selfishness, but out of desperation to not feel that way anymore. As you recognise, it's not rational, just incredibly sad.

I'm sorry for your loss.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 19/01/2018 10:53

In circumstances where a person appears to have everything to live for, I think of it as having something short circuit in the brain, to have gone so wrong that they truly cannot see any alternative but to commit suicide. They haven't been selfish (as I have heard it said) but have been so unwell that they cannot think logically.
It is so hard for the family and I am very sorry for your loss x

frenchfancy · 19/01/2018 10:59

We have been through this with a family member and it is incredibly hard to come to terms with. I think of it as a cancer of the mind.

fireflame · 11/02/2018 20:21

My sister took her own life not so long ago and my god I have never suffered with anxiety or depression until now!
This has nocked the hell out of me just can not accept it!
The pain absolutely crucifies me.
I miss her so much 😢

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/02/2018 22:57

I am so sorry
I have come to realise that suicide is death of mental illness and people do it not for selfish reasons but because they literally have no other option

I hope he is at peace now and that his family can get some closure and rebuild / as hard as it will be

user764329056 · 14/02/2018 23:03

I am so sorry you are going through this, I lost a friend, same circumstances and it’s so painful, i wish there was an answer to how to get through it, a way to fast forward somehow and not have to go through the agony of loss in this way, I think the feelings around suicide are more complicated and difficult to process than a natural death, thinking of you

NorthernLurker · 14/02/2018 23:04

We lost somebody to suicide recently and it's unbelievably painful. It's no use trying to make sense of it. It doesn't make sense.

Babyroobs · 21/02/2018 16:07

I'm so sorry to read what you are going through. I have had two friends in recent years who have hung themselves and it is devastating to witness the heartbreak it leaves. All I can say is that it isn't rational and when people do it they really can't see any other way out because they are in such a dark place, they really think there is no other option and whilst it can appear selfish, they just aren't in a position to think about the effect on others or they may think that those they leave behind are better off without them. It's's just irrational thinking caused by depression.

Rumpledfaceskin · 21/02/2018 16:15

So sorry, how utterly tragic. You will never understand the reasoning he went through. He was very mentally unwell. My father hung himself and it takes a long long time to come to terms with but you will get there in the end. I can’t say I have lasting damage but I do wish I’d had counselling at the time. There used to be quite a good charity called survivors of suicide but I don’t know if it’s still running. If so it may be a good place to get advice. Sadly, lots of young men are still slipping through the net despite all the campaigning to reduce the stigma of mental illness. I believe it’s the most common cause of death amoung men under 50 which is just awful.

Rumpledfaceskin · 21/02/2018 16:17

It’s still running under ‘survivors of bereavement by suicide’. Take a look at their website.

GlowGlow · 21/02/2018 16:34

What babyroobs says is correct. It is mental illness, an inability to think rationally or see a situation clearly. When I felt this way due to psychosis it was a brain malfunction or even a hi-jack, it's the best way I can describe. For some people it is just the only way to escape pain and suffering, whether it's mental or physical. I've experienced that one too. You just feel stuck in a deep dark hole and see no other way to break free. You can not think or feel or see things the way your healthy brain would. It is truly awful, for those driven to it, and those left behind. Suicidal people are not selfish, they are very ill. I know it's difficult for many to understand but I promise that nobody enjoys feeling that way or going with through the act.

So sorry for your loss op I lost a parent this way. It was incredibly difficult, but having suffered MH myself years later, I now understand what he went through, and I only wish I could have fixed him and cured his illness before it was too late. I wish I could have done more to help. Life can be incredibly unkind sometimes. I hope you can all find the strength to deal with this and stay close as a family, and get the support you need

Livingwithpain · 05/03/2018 17:48

I am so so sorry to hear this. My husband took his life in 2016. Though it’s nesrly been 2 years it feels like yesterday. We have 2 children aged 7 and 9. He was the strongest man you could meet, physically and mentally, he showed no sign of struggles and had no history of ill mental health. We had a minor argument and he walked out and never came back. I struggle with the pain everyday. I stay strong for my children. They are surprisingly ok for now. They talk about their dad but don’t cry. They don’t know the full truth yet. When they do we will tell them it’s an illness like any other. Daddy was ill, just like having cancer or any other disease accept it was in his head. I want to tell you that his wife will be ok. It will be hard but she will get through it and even smile again. Some days I smile, I laugh, some days I cry so hard I think I’ll never stop. It’s horrible and painful and not the way life should be but I promise there is light at the end of it. Sending lots of love xxx

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