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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Stillborn son

21 replies

devuskums · 04/12/2017 23:09

My son was stillborn at 23 weeks. It is his funeral on Thursday and I am so so frightened I will not be able to think of something to say. Or that I will be so upset I will not be able to say it.

OP posts:
sparechange · 04/12/2017 23:14

I'm so sorry.

Have you got support for the funeral? Friends, family, partner?

You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. You could write a letter for him, and place it with him or ask someone to read it for you. Or a song lyric or poem, or anything at all that gives you comfort.

Do what you want to do, not what anyone expects in a 'normal' funeral, and look after yourself Thanks

AgainPlease · 04/12/2017 23:18

I’m sorry to hear this Flowers

My son was born alive and died soon after at 20 weeks last year after infertility and IVF treatment.

On the day of his funeral I couldn’t get out of the car and started hyperventilating. When I was calm enough the funeral started. I didn’t say anything, just listened to the Reverend speak.

You don’t have to say a word if you don’t want to x

Picklesandpies · 04/12/2017 23:18

That is so, so sad for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with pp. Do exactly what you feel you need to do. No one is expecting you to behave a certain way. Lean on others. Let other people take the reins with what you can. Keep talking. I am at a funeral on Thursday and I will keep you in my thoughts too.

Original poster
devuskums · 04/12/2017 23:18

Thanks for answering...
I just feel like it is the last thing i can do for him so it is terribly important that i get it right. I have good family support and partner but I am his mum and I don't want to fail him

OP posts:
Original poster
devuskums · 04/12/2017 23:19

There isn't anything I can do for the rest of my life apart from Thursday.

OP posts:
QOD · 04/12/2017 23:20

I’m so sorry. So bloody unfair- 💐

Original poster
devuskums · 04/12/2017 23:21

Thanks again please. I have already had 2 miscarriages and have been trying for 5 years
..I thought this was my rainbow baby

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 04/12/2017 23:22

If you can't say it on Thursday, someone can say it for you. Can you write it out?
Ask the celebrant or whoever else is taking the service. They are used to people being upset and will help out.
Massive sympathies to you. Thanks

weasledee · 04/12/2017 23:24

So so sorry Flowers

user1471495191 · 04/12/2017 23:25

If it helps neither of my parents said anything at my siblings funeral. They just weren't able to. But they planned a beautiful ceremony full of memories, tributes from other close relatives and beautiful songs and music. Whatever you choose to do on the day, the love surrounding your son will shine through. Thinking of you Flowers

PerfectlyDone · 04/12/2017 23:27

I am so sorry, there are no words Thanks

Don't put yourself under too much pressure about his funeral.

You love him - you got that right. Everything else is window dressing.
I like the suggestion to write down what you want to say, then it's your words even if somebody else's voice says it.

Would you like to share his name?

Love and light to you Thanks

PenguindreamsofDraco · 06/12/2017 10:34

You cannot do it wrong. You are and will always be his mother - whatever you do tomorrow and however you do it is the right thing for you to do for your son.

I have no idea what I said at my son's. It was only me, my husband and our surviving twin there. Whole thing is a blur. But whatever I did was the right thing for me to do for my son because I was the only one who could do it.

Picklesandpies · 07/12/2017 09:29

Thinking of you today Thanks

Miami81 · 07/12/2017 17:02

I hope today went as good as it could have. We lost our little girl in September and her funeral was so hard. We also had 2 mc before our last pregnancy.
Here for you. Take all the help/support that is offered to you and seek out what you can. Take it easy on yourself.
Please pm me if you are more comfortable chatting like that.

MarshaBradyo · 07/12/2017 17:07

I’m so sorry, sending love

PerfectlyDone · 07/12/2017 17:08

Holding you in my thoughts today Thanks

MollyHuaCha · 07/12/2017 17:19

Thinking of you ThanksThanks

Original poster
devuskums · 08/12/2017 02:16

Thank you all for thinking of me. Today went better than I hoped and I feel like we gave Stanley a good send off. I managed to say what I wanted to say, I wrote it in a card in case I couldn't speak and I think that took a lot of the pressure off of me. Thanks to you all again xx

OP posts:
cantmakeme · 09/12/2017 23:44

So sorry for your loss xx

ijustwantfiveminutespeace · 09/12/2017 23:52

God bless you and your wee angel boy. X

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 10/12/2017 18:01

My thoughts are with youFlowers

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