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Bereavement

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Original poster

My gorgeous boy killed himself.

39 replies

SuzieF19 · 05/05/2017 16:24

Hi I have my account back and asked if I could start this again as still looking for support and I've been told it's ok. Thank you for all the kind words on the last thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
SuzieF19 · 05/05/2017 17:02

I just blame myself so much, he was too young and I should have known he was suffering. I tell myself everyday that maybe it was this tragic accident or game and it was never meant to end how it did, but that's just not a possible explanation.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 05/05/2017 17:05

Sorry this happened. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Flowers

MNHQ
YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 05/05/2017 17:27

Hi all, thanks for the reports. We're just nipping on the thread to confirm we have reinstated the OP's ability to post. We initially suspended her account and deleted the thread as we suspected she was a PBP. However on further reflection, and following discussion with the OP off the boards, it seems we may have made the wrong call. We do apologise.

Original poster
SuzieF19 · 05/05/2017 17:37

Thank you

OP posts:
user1493035447 · 05/05/2017 17:38

I am so sorry to read this. Don't blame yourself, sometimes there's just nothing you can do. At best there may have only been tiny signs that something was wrong, and that's looking back upon reflection, there was no way you could fully have appreciated anything was that seriously wrong at the time. He's in a happier place, and you need to remember all the good times you enjoyed with him. And in time you will enjoy yourself once again, even though hat may seem unimaginable right now Flowers

LucyLocketLostIt · 05/05/2017 17:44

I'm so very sorryFlowers

noitsnotme · 05/05/2017 17:48

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. I hope it helps you to talk here. Please don't blame yourself. Im sure he wouldn't want that for you. Flowers

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/05/2017 17:57

I am sorry for your pain Suzie Flowers.

Chinnygirl · 05/05/2017 18:08

I'm so sorry for your loss. Would you like to tell us about him? I honestly don't believe that a person can make someone suicidal, depression does that.

DoItTooJulia · 05/05/2017 18:12

Oh OP, you've been through it.

On the last thread we wondered if you wanted to tell us about your son? What he was like, what he was into?

Flowers
Original poster
SuzieF19 · 05/05/2017 18:15

Thank you everyone. He was so lovely and always willing to help out he was just so beautiful and really was one of a kind. He was clever and loved science. He always wanted to be a vet and it really does break my heart that he can't reach his dreams. If he was depressed surely I would have noticed something? I really didn't... He was happy, he went to school with no problem, was never cooped up in his room. He seemed so 'normal'. No one else saw anything either and then now people feel the need to pretend they did "oh, he looks sad in that picture" or "remember when he said he couldn't be bothered for school that day" and it's like they're purposely looking and making me feel bad like I missed it.

OP posts:
DoItTooJulia · 05/05/2017 18:36

They're not thinking about how it affects you when they say this stuff are they? And I suppose it's natural to try and look back and find something, anything that could have been a 'sign', but in the end, it doesn't help, does it?

What IRL support do you have?

working925 · 05/05/2017 18:58

This is so terribly sad to read - is this very recent? If so I hope you have all the support you need. Never blame yourself x

user1493943779 · 05/05/2017 23:30

OP, so sorry to read about this. I remember your other thread, it's a shame it got deleted. I hope you're okay Flowers

user1493035447 · 06/05/2017 03:15

I think they're trying to justify themselves having missed something, they really don't mean anything towards you. You shouldn't bear any responsibility as it really wasn't anybody having missed anything and there were no signs. They're looking back reflecting on a snapshot in time, it's utter nonsense to make an analysis based on that. I rememberer when I was 9 or 10 I won an art prize. I remember being handed a £10 gift voucher by the head master. I remember smiling for it, but the next week I was asked what was wrong with me by the teacher, as the photo showed me with a dour look. I saw the photo and agreed it looked bad, but I remember smiling at the time, I couldn't explain it. I think they thought there was something wrong with me and even called in my dad, I still remember this at 31. But my point is a photo is a snapshot of a point in time that doesn't tell a story. You did a wonderful job to bring a young man up to be so interested in science, and further to care so much for animals to want to be a vet. There are a million mothers who could only wish for such a son, you have nothing to be guilty about Flowers

dangerrabbit · 06/05/2017 06:53
Flowers
Chinnygirl · 06/05/2017 09:47

He sounds intelligent and helpful. Sometimes it feels to me that it is always the best and most promising that leave us.

My mum always felt that if you compare their souls to candles their candle always burnt brighter and quicker than others. That's why they are always people that you really don't want to miss and why they touched so many people around them before their death. Their life was quicker so they had that extra shine.

Chinnygirl · 06/05/2017 09:48

For what it's worth I read somewhere that roughly two thirds of the suicides were people who didn't ask for help or let know that they were depressed. It's like they already made up their minds. Maybe it gives them some peace beforehand.

gillybeanz · 06/05/2017 09:53

I am so sorry for your loss.
I know it's easy to say don't blame yourself, but it really wasn't your fault.
A girl took her life my ds was friends with, and everyone was the same as you described.
They aren't blaming you my love, they just don't think what they say will hurt you.

He sounds like a very intelligent young man, I'm so sorry for your pain and loss Thanks

hollyisalovelyname · 06/05/2017 09:59

I am very sorry you lost your beautiful son.
I can only imagine the pain you are feeling.
I hope you have other family to comfort you.
What age was he?

Original poster
SuzieF19 · 06/05/2017 10:07

Thank you everyone, I suppose you're right about them not blaming me but the "did you honestly not see something" kind of Ines really get me down. I've even had "gosh, if that was X, I'd feel like he'd come to me/I'd know" but no one else has said that but one has (and she's very loud about her thoughts) maybe more think that...

He was only 12.

OP posts:
hollyisalovelyname · 06/05/2017 11:13

Suzie I haven't seen any of your previous threads. I do hope you have family and friends to support you.
I don't know where you live but in Ireland there is a wonderful charity called Pieta House which helps people bereaved by the suicide of a loved one.
Early this morning 4 am ish there was a walk - Darkness into Light - about 200,000 attended, yes you read that right- 200,000 in a small country like Ireland - about 150 different locations- so, so many affected by the loss in their lives of a loved one.
It is a worldwide movement now, the first walk started in New Zealand yesterday because of different time zones the Canadian Darkness into Light walk is at about 1 pm today ( GMT).
If you are in the UK perhaps you might google it?

Chinnygirl · 06/05/2017 11:21
  1. On the one hand starting towards being grown up but in the other still a child. I have no idea what you must be going through.

Please don't listen to the person that said "I'd know". They don't have a clue. Can you avoid them? They are not your friend at the moment and very, very wrong. They are ignorant and thankfully for them they have no idea but you don't need that right now.

noitsnotme · 06/05/2017 13:28

Oh Suzie, my DS is 12. I just cannot imagine. It's is shameful that people have been so insensitive towards you. And I'm quite sure they wouldn't know. They are probably the type of person who think they know everything about everything!

How long ago did this happen? Who are you able to talk to in person?

rizlett · 06/05/2017 13:38

Suzie - my dad took his own life when he was only 38 and I found it very helpful to talk to samaritans - once i'd got the courage to call.

(just in case you want somewhere else to get support.)

You have such love for your son - and it's very sad he made the decision he did but it was nothing to do with what you did or didn't do or say.

Sometimes loved ones do things we cannot understand and that is very tough and you are very brave to come and tell us how you are feeling.