Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Flip

Original poster

Dont want to tell people it was suicide - how to explain?

13 replies

yohoohoo · 30/01/2017 11:07

My best friend took her own life, her daughter doesnt want to tell people this only close friends - what can she say to others who know she was found suddenly, any suggestions?

OP posts:

MontserratCaballe · 30/01/2017 11:10

So very sorry for your loss

There would be a post Mortem anyway for a sudden death so perhaps she could say the cause was unknown but a heart attack was suspected.

Take care.

PenguinRoar · 30/01/2017 11:12

If she she thinks she may want to say later down he line, she could offer that they're waiting on information from the hospital/doctor.

If she's sure she does not want to share, then cardiac arrest or "she'd been ill for sometime" may be an answer she could could give.

Very sorry for your loss.

Char22thom · 30/01/2017 11:14

Very sorry for your loss OP, my brother also took his own life in april 2014. I also didn't want to tell people other than family and close friends it was suicide so I chose to say it was an unexpected death- most people never asked how he died anyway, and those who did I just said we are still unsure of exactly what happened-which tbh wasn't untrue as we had no idea of what had led to this point. Can I ask the reason your friends daughter doesn't want to tell people it was suicide? X

endofthelinefinally · 30/01/2017 11:16

It really isnt anyone elses business.
I lost my son recently under horrific circumstances. It has been 5 months and we havent had the inquest yet.
I have told friends I can trust what we think happened, but people being nosy just get told I am too distressed to discuss it.
It is a horrible situation.
I am so sorry for your poor friend.

Original poster

yohoohoo · 30/01/2017 11:23

Yes I think it's more people being nosey and just wanting a gossip. Also her daughter was literally due to give birth (and has now) so even more questions being asked. Those who need to know have been told but there are a few who keep on.

The inquest is in a couple of months 4½ months after her death, it seems never ending. She was my best friend, I'd known her for over 40 years, I dont think I will ever, ever get over this, to date it's the worse thing that's ever happened in my life. I feel so very, very sad that she couldnt come to me. I miss her so much it makes my stomach tighten up everytime I think about her. Have just read the post mortem report as well and I just cant believe what Im reading, my poor, poor friend :(

OP posts:

veevita · 30/01/2017 11:29

I think you just say something that's true but not fully true - like the 'she'd been ill for a while but it was sudden' a pp suggested. Then you can tell the truth later.

In the end you can't really hide it. It's a natural instinct for families to pretend but healthier in the end to be able to speak freely. My Stepmum was desperate that people didn't know about my dad, but trying to lie just adds yet another layer of hideousness.

veevita · 30/01/2017 11:30

And I'm so so sorry for your loss. It's beyond painful to lose someone through suicide.

Duckdown · 30/01/2017 11:31

I'm so sorry for your loss. I echo some of the suggestions above. If you say it was a sudden, unexpected death that is usually enough for most people.

lougle · 30/01/2017 11:39

She had been ill for some time but unfortunately she deteriorated too rapidly to recover, and that you're sure that will understand that is still far too upset for it to be a topic if general discussion.

lougle · 30/01/2017 11:40

*of

MsGee · 30/01/2017 11:44

I am so sorry for your loss. I would say that it was unexpected, and add it is too soon to discuss details etc.

I only add this from my own experience of having to ring people when MIL committed suicide. I wasn't sure if it was the shock but people asked a lot of questions that I wasnt really prepared for (and in some cases rang back with more queries....). So some people need specific instructions not to ask questions.

I think it depends on whether your friend's family ever want to share the details. If they don't, then suspected heart attack or similar should prevent future queries.

That said, I agree with other posters that it is probably healthier all round to be open about it. (That said, DH and I have agreed that DD will never know the truth about MIL).

CryingShame · 30/01/2017 11:45

Presuming that your friend had struggled with depression for some time, you can say "she had struggled with ill health for some time" because she had, and it did lead to her death. You're just not saying what the ill health was and no-one else needs to know.

Penfold007 · 30/01/2017 12:54

We've had something similar in our family and simply went with the 'had been unwell for sometime and died suddenly' because it was the very real truth.
Personally I was there wasn't so much judgement around someone taking their own life. I'm not ashamed of my relative and the choice they made, they were in a lot of mental anguish and I hope they found the peace they were searching for. I am sorry for your loss.

Flip