please help, DF in Intensive care in Crete. Not going to recover.

[GhostInTheBackOfYourHead]

My darling DF suffered a tragic accident 4 hours after arriving. He suffered catastrophic , irreversible brain damage and will be taken off life support in a few days.
I am here with my children and we were due to fly back on Tuesday. I was going to ask consulate about getting help getting escort for children in flights home.
I cannot afford to pay for him to be flown home for burial. All the money is in Jim's account. That money is for my son but I'm getting pressure from his family to bring him back. Also they don't seem to do cremations here so that might not be an option.
Travel insurance won't pay as he jumped off a 3rd floor balcony,
I guess I'm asking for help advice and guidance, where do I start.
My heart is broken .

MNHQ put that warning on any thread that has the potential to turn into one where posters offer money.

I can offer no practical advice unfortunately.

Oh god, I'm sorry, it's probably my fault Olivia posted that.

I don't think you're a troll, at all, and I'm so sorry for the situation you're in.

I didn't have anything to add to the practical advice, and didn't want to clog up your urgent practical thread posting nothing helpful.

But I was concerned that there might be troll-hunters or nasties along later (sadly there's usually some arsehole lining up to put the boot in when someone's having a terrible time, particularly after the merest passing mention of money), so I quietly reported it asking MNHQ to watch the thread, to look after you better.

But then they've felt they should post the standard message.

I'm really sorry - it certainly doesn't mean anyone suspects you of anything.

I'm so very sorry for what you're going through.

I can see from news reports where you are in Crete, we visited there a few years ago and found locals very helpful. I have no real practical support i can offer, but use everyone. Tour rep, consulate, local forums - there may well be Brits living locally who could help you cut through the red tape.

Take care of yourself

My experience of hospitals abroad is that they are very helpful in translating/organising. They should have an English speaking liaison nurse for instance to help. Are you staying in the hospital with your partner? Please do ask for support from them, whatever the outcome or whatever you need.

Really hope things aren't as devastating as you fear. Best wishes

I'm so sorry.

I've done a bit of googling and there's an English speaking church in Crete with a pastor who has posted details about Cretan funeral arrangements. I don't know if you are Christians but the pastor may be able to give you some practical information about what to do. His info is aimed at expats but it may give you an idea.

www.christchurchcrete.com/index.html

www.christchurchcrete.com/Dying%20and%20Funeral%20Arrangements.pdf

Test

^Just checking name change worked

I am only posting to say (and I feel like a troll clichè) that very sadly this situation, and thread, is genuine as the OP is my sister. We are both long term MNers and I have NCed soley for this thread as its a very identifiable situation and as I post about my DC under my usual name i don't want them connected. Yes I realise I sound exactly like the OP sock puppeting now and I would probably look like this myself at this thread. I will report my post to MNHQ so they can confirm if needed I am a long standing MNer too. If you need any more proof, I could say all the usual stuff about tiny wankers and pouffes of poo or booble plate or that my name is Angela Hernandez...etc etc.

If people still have doubts please can they report rather than post on thread to minimise upset? My sister is naturally in shock and understandably extremely upset. I am helping as much as I can, unfortunately though I cannot fly out to her as I don't have a passport, or a properly working spine for that matter. I have searched and given her as much advice as I can myself. The situation is developing as to what exactly happened so I don't think any questions as to what had happened would be much use, my sister is trying to just find out if there's anything she should be doing from now that she has missed etc.

As they weren't married and there is no will (I'm so sorry sis to be talking about you in the third person) and her fiancée's family member is there to arrange next legalities for him I feel my sister might be best return to the UK with her Children so we can support her and them, which they all need. She feels, and I agree, that there is nothing that she can do for her fiancée now - the medics have said (I'm so so sorry S) that the life support will be turned off but there is a period of days before they do this due to medical/legal stuff.

I think she has planned to return to the UK next Tuesday as this gives them some more time but her children wish to return then, as one of them has a reason to return for a certain date which is very important to them.

Selfishly, I want them back in the UK as I feel very helpless here and want to support them all. I am doing as much as I can. I have advised her I feel she is best to give his possessions like bank card (his sole account) to his next of kin who is there, and I have advised her to telephone the bank to advise of the situation. As they weren't married she cannot of course access this money (nor would she want to just to be clear) but she has very limited funds in her own name so cannot afford to stay indefinitely either. His family are pressuring her to pay for funeral and repatriation from her fiancée's bank account but I don't believe she can, or should do this? If anyone has any knowledge on this it would be appreciated.

It is a terrible situation and it's a matter of doing the "least wrong" thing now rather than the best, as there's no such thing in these circumstances. It's just awful. It feels like an unreal nightmare here so I can't imagine what it feels like for her over there.

Thank you for any help and support

Oh I have also said if the children can fly back with an escort or unaccompanied airline service I will collect and look after them (logistically it's hard as we live at opposite ends of the country and I have mobility probs and my DC too but we will sort something out however we do it). I don't think it's ideal for the DC to be away from their mother even if they are with me though. But the alternative is they all stay there (and for how long, and live on what?) I can see no other option but for them all to come back but it just all feels so difficult to at the moment. I just want her to do the best for her and the DC that is my sole concern really at this stage.

Unless it was a joint account I doubt she can access any of his funds. Can you locate a solicitor to act on her behalf as it sounds as if things could rapidly become very difficult and emotions run high. Heartbreaking though it may be it does sound as if she would be better returning and leaving sil and any other family members to organise the arrangements.

Oh and thank you everyone and LIZS that has already posted there is lots of good advice already. I will try and speak to a solicitor I know and see what can be done. I imagine she would be entitled to legal aid in the UK, I have already given my sis the number of the (legal commission?) in London who deal with uk citizens entitled to legal aid but currently abroad.

I think the op said it was her partners account and she viewed the money as belonging to her son. However the family are right in that whatever there is should be used firstly for appropriate funeral arrangements which in this case will need to include repatriation. I doubt anybody will be able to access the money for some time. I think the poster who is apparently the op's sister is right. Best for her to come home and avoid any more expense and leave the family to do what they legally have a right to do. Very sad situation

Hi there GhostInTheBackOfYourHead

We're so sorry to hear the news about your DF, we can't imagine what you must be going through.

We're also really sorry to hear that you've been upset by the post from MNHQ that was posted last night. We should have thought much more carefully about how it was worded and we want to reassure you that it was absolutely our last intention to suggest you aren't a genuine poster.

We wanted to reassure you and just make it absolutely clear to anyone reading this thread that we have absolutely no doubts you are a genuine poster, and we're so sorry it came over that way.

We do know from previous experience that when a long-term Mumsnetter is in a dire situation, people often promise support that they can't really afford to give which can be awkward on every side - as other posters have pointed out it is a message we tend to post when there is a chance that MNers may feel they should offer more than they can emotionally afford to give. We just wanted to try to prevent a tricky situation arising when you already have so much to deal with. But we are so sorry that it came over in this way - it must have caused you even more upset at an already dreadful time and we really hope you can accept our apology.

We can see you're getting some amazing support from Mumsnetters on the thread so we really hope that you stay a member of the site.

Once again, please accept our apologies, our thoughts are with you and your DC

Sootica you are so very kind thank you I have replied by PM and thank you AmyMNHQ too. I have suggested to my sister she just concentrates on herself and DC at the moment and I will keep looking and researching and collate all useful info, from here and everywhere else, and send it on to her.

I just wish they were here.

His family are pressuring her to pay for funeral and repatriation from her fiancée's bank account but I don't believe she can, or should do this

I believe not. My DP died last year, we were not married. However I was named as executor of the will and was able to free funds from the bank to cover funeral costs.
As I mentioned earlier, I believe your sister should return with her children and deal with this from the UK, where you and others can support her. In the meantime, can you contact CAB on her behalf to answer these types of questions? Final word, please don't let her feel rushed into doing anything, she is already under enough pressure, and without sounding unfeeling, her DF is not in any hurry.

Thank you ifailed. I agree nothing will be helped by rushing, I just worry that she is so vulnerable to being pressured into making decisions over there whilst she is still so much in shock. I wish she had someone else with her, or she was back here so we could properly help. I'm going to get a passport ASAP after this situation.

(Dear sis if you do read this later I am sorry to keep talking about you in the third person)

I know sometimes funeral directors will allow a bill to be settled after probate has been sorted. Not sure if this is true if it involves repatriation costs as well but possibly?

I am glad there is another family member there from his side.

A uk solicitor might be able to help understand if any amounts paid now for reptrIation by his family could be reclaimed from the estate, which would seem logical.

Lots of and sympathy.

oh my goodness i'm so sorry, I can't help in any way but I didn't want to read and not reply, for you.

I know from personal experience that funeral directors (well in the U.K.) have been happy to delay payment until probate is granted, but I think they wanted to see proof of bank balance. And I think there was a will in that case. I just don't know about this as it's more complicated and not in the UK. I have found out about international funeral directors though. I think my sis thinks that it would be a better use of the estate to be saved and used for his son when older but if his family have the final decision and they want to spend it on repatriation etc, that is their decision?

His family also want someone to be there when the life support is turned off, which I can understand, but are also saying that they themselves can't be there (the family member there now can't stay due to flights/work) so they think my sister should stay for that, which I think is unfair on her.

God it's all so horrible and such a mess. I'm sure when or if my sister feels strong enough to read this she will appreciate the supportive messages and help. MN is wonderful when they don't think people have hairy hands and I blame that on the amount of hairy handed ones anyway

Does your sister know who the executors of the will are? I suspect they will need to make the decision about use of funds.

I think your sister needs to do what is best for her and the children, in that order. If it would help her to be there and say goodbye, can his family lend some money to fly back for the day if she is coming back with kids before that?

There is no will, unfortunately. It's a good idea that she might be able to fly back once she's come home, if it comes to that. Thanks. It's so obvious now but I hadn't even thought of that!

you're very welcome

Ghost, I have been thinking of you and hope that you're hanging in there.