Abortion DD Today, i am not coping

[tommysmama]

I had an abortion last year in May when i found out I was pregnant by an ex (not my DS's father).

I have really not been coping with what i did since, i feel evil and i am having panic attacks and feel like i am losing control.

The baby was due today and this is making it worse.

My son is asleep in the other room and i feel like i cant go and see him knowing that i killed his half brother or sister.

I cant sleep and i am getting worried about being tired in the morning when my son gets up and this is making me have panic attacks again.. i dont know what to do.

I cant get over what i did, and the fact that i would be having a baby today if i hadn't.

oh hun, im on the exact same position.... you seen anyone?

No. I know what you said to help me last time but i havent done anything about it.. i am scared.

I've actually just been reading your thread about your abortion and it made me cry. I felt like reading other peoples stories would help, but i realised i needed to talk about mine too.

This is better help for me because i dont have to look at anyone, i lik the anonymity.

Also it is noce to know there are other people awake just now too! my DS wakes up around 7 every morning and i know i have to get up in 4 hours. thats making me feel worse and i have panic attacks thinking i want to make the time change back to midnight or so but i cant control time obviously and this makes me feel like i cant control anything..do i sound crazy?

no, you don't sounds crazy. My DS will also be up soon... some people only need 3 or 4 hours sleep, you'll be fine. DOn't worry about sleep. If your body need it, youll fall asleep x Do you think about it often?

what are your panic attacks like?

I dont even know if they are panic attacks. Ill try to describe it.

I start to think about something and it kind of 'overwhelms' my brain, then a rush comes over my body and my brain and i feel that i will pass out. When it happens i feel like the ONLY alternative, the only way to end it is to die. It only lasts for a minute, less.
I can kind of control it to an extent, like when i feel it coming on i can think about something else. Somethimes this does not work, but most of the time it does.

Somethimes i feel like i am in the wrong place, like i will be at someones house, or in a pub or at work, and ill feel like it is wrong and i have to get out, and then the 'panic attack' thing happens. Again, i can kind of control this.

Also, it doesnt really happen as much when i am with other people, basically when i am not 'alone with my thoughts' if you know what i mean. when i am busy at work or on a night out for example, im fine. Also, when i am drinking or taking drugs (ive said before that i do this..) i am fine then too.

Does any of this make sense??!

I dont even know if they are panic attacks. Ill try to describe it.

I start to think about something and it kind of 'overwhelms' my brain, then a rush comes over my body and my brain and i feel that i will pass out. When it happens i feel like the ONLY alternative, the only way to end it is to die. It only lasts for a minute, less.
I can kind of control it to an extent, like when i feel it coming on i can think about something else. Somethimes this does not work, but most of the time it does.

Somethimes i feel like i am in the wrong place, like i will be at someones house, or in a pub or at work, and ill feel like it is wrong and i have to get out, and then the 'panic attack' thing happens. Again, i can kind of control this.

Also, it doesnt really happen as much when i am with other people, basically when i am not 'alone with my thoughts' if you know what i mean. when i am busy at work or on a night out for example, im fine. Also, when i am drinking or taking drugs (ive said before that i do this..) i am fine then too.

Does any of this make sense??!

I dont even know if they are panic attacks. Ill try to describe it.

I start to think about something and it kind of 'overwhelms' my brain, then a rush comes over my body and my brain and i feel that i will pass out. When it happens i feel like the ONLY alternative, the only way to end it is to die. It only lasts for a minute, less.
I can kind of control it to an extent, like when i feel it coming on i can think about something else. Somethimes this does not work, but most of the time it does.

Somethimes i feel like i am in the wrong place, like i will be at someones house, or in a pub or at work, and ill feel like it is wrong and i have to get out, and then the 'panic attack' thing happens. Again, i can kind of control this.

Also, it doesnt really happen as much when i am with other people, basically when i am not 'alone with my thoughts' if you know what i mean. when i am busy at work or on a night out for example, im fine. Also, when i am drinking or taking drugs (ive said before that i do this..) i am fine then too.

Does any of this make sense??!

I dont even know if they are panic attacks. Ill try to describe it.

I start to think about something and it kind of 'overwhelms' my brain, then a rush comes over my body and my brain and i feel that i will pass out. When it happens i feel like the ONLY alternative, the only way to end it is to die. It only lasts for a minute, less.
I can kind of control it to an extent, like when i feel it coming on i can think about something else. Somethimes this does not work, but most of the time it does.

Somethimes i feel like i am in the wrong place, like i will be at someones house, or in a pub or at work, and ill feel like it is wrong and i have to get out, and then the 'panic attack' thing happens. Again, i can kind of control this.

Also, it doesnt really happen as much when i am with other people, basically when i am not 'alone with my thoughts' if you know what i mean. when i am busy at work or on a night out for example, im fine. Also, when i am drinking or taking drugs (ive said before that i do this..) i am fine then too.

Does any of this make sense??!

I dont even know if they are panic attacks. Ill try to describe it.

I start to think about something and it kind of 'overwhelms' my brain, then a rush comes over my body and my brain and i feel that i will pass out. When it happens i feel like the ONLY alternative, the only way to end it is to die. It only lasts for a minute, less.
I can kind of control it to an extent, like when i feel it coming on i can think about something else. Somethimes this does not work, but most of the time it does.

Somethimes i feel like i am in the wrong place, like i will be at someones house, or in a pub or at work, and ill feel like it is wrong and i have to get out, and then the 'panic attack' thing happens. Again, i can kind of control this.

Also, it doesnt really happen as much when i am with other people, basically when i am not 'alone with my thoughts' if you know what i mean. when i am busy at work or on a night out for example, im fine. Also, when i am drinking or taking drugs (ive said before that i do this..) i am fine then too.

Does any of this make sense??!

whoa! sorry about that 5 times - thought it wasnt working but it obviously was!

yes makes perfect sense. Time does heal. I never thought id say that, but, from what I was 2 years ago, and a year ago, i am unrecognisable. You should see the GP, either for ADs and/or couselling... ive started ADs again today When I had bad attacks, diazepam was invaluable. IF yours are short lived, you might benefit from anxiety management (im going on a course soon) or CBT

how old is your DS?

Whats CAT? and do you think what i described is panic attacks? my GP semed to think it was not, though i dont think i described it very well to him.

DS will be 2 on Wednesday!

sounds like panic attacks to me. At least anxiety attacks. CBT is Congnative Behavioural Therapy (probaly spelt that all wrong!) Its therapy that gives you tools to cope, when you're having an attack. DO you get them often?

really excuse spelling!

CBT... makes sense of why your having them. Im not good at explaining, because the CBT fella I had wasn't very good... ill find you a link that explains better xXx

Well, when i am alone, yes. sometimes 10 or more a day. sometimes none a day. When i am in company (out, or at work) it can vary from 2 or 3 a day to none.. it still happens but less.

The thought of it happening can make it happen too, as i get frightened of it happening..

I just feel like i am not in control of my own mind.

Although, i think recently its been getting a bit better. Not sure though. I have been trying to spend more time with my DS but now i feel like when im not with him i should be and when i am i dont want to be.

i am glad that i have met someone who understands how i feel! i really thought i was going crazy.

CBT

that's alot. The ADs I am on help anxiety etc. ADs aren't just for depression. I know exactly how you feel... you feel you should really be with your DS do anything... but when you are, you, well I anyway, just get waves of guilt and try and detact myself from him abit.

yes! thats how i feel, like i want to be with him but i dont, and i feel so guilty just leting him watch telly all day so i can ignore him (oh i sound awful) and i get waves of guilt. i just get bored and want to hand him over to his dad or my mum as soon as i can so i can get on with my own things.

how old is your DS? Do you have a DH/DP?

DS is 9 months now. I have a DH, but it's hard as he's the one who wanted me to have the abortion. It's like it's always in my face. DO you have any support?

Have you become disintrested since the abortion?

No, i was disinterested from the minute he was born. its got better over time.

It must be very hard having your DH there all the time when it was him that wanted you to have abortion. I am single at the moment, i split up with my last ex just after the abortion because he was a constant reminder of what i had done. He really wanted me to have the baby though and i just knew it would not work.. he was kind of a rebound thing from my sons dad.
He even threatened to leave me if i went through with it, but i knew he loved me and wouldn't, so i did it and then left him. I feel guilty about that too.

That CBT website is brilliant by the way, thank you. I do think it sounds like something that might help me.

Have you ever been on ADs? This, coupled with the disintrest in your DS makes me thing you may have had, or still have PND. Did your health visitor asses you for PND?