Abortion DD Today, i am not coping

[tommysmama]

I had an abortion last year in May when i found out I was pregnant by an ex (not my DS's father).

I have really not been coping with what i did since, i feel evil and i am having panic attacks and feel like i am losing control.

The baby was due today and this is making it worse.

My son is asleep in the other room and i feel like i cant go and see him knowing that i killed his half brother or sister.

I cant sleep and i am getting worried about being tired in the morning when my son gets up and this is making me have panic attacks again.. i dont know what to do.

I cant get over what i did, and the fact that i would be having a baby today if i hadn't.

You can get CBT through your GP. I went private because of the wait, but, found out they were NHS therapist doing private in spare time anyway!

Never been on ADs. My HV did do an assessment for PND as my mother rang her and asked her to come and see me. It was actually my ex MIL that thought it might be, she has a lot of experience in PND as she is from a HUGE family.
Anyway, the HV came round and i had to do a test, answering yes/no questions to ridiculous things on a sheet (things like do you ever think about harming yourself or your baby, and do you ever feel sad?) and then she left with my completed sheet and i didnt hear back. I called once and left a mesage but she never got back to me. NHS are sh*t. good move going private! (though if its the same folk...!)

I think you are right though. I think i did or still do. I am better now than i used to be so i am hoping that with time i can at least in part heal myself.

theres no point... busting a gut to try and help yourself if that makes sense. Theres pleny of help out there, same as if you had a chest infection. You take what you need to get better I think you should see your GP - about possibility of having PND, and also about the panic/anxiety you are suffering now. Has the panic/anxiety just started after the abortion?

did HV did give you a score from the sheet?

same website, abit on PND

I honestly cant remember. I think i remember having these feelings before the abortion, but definitely got worse after. The wek after the abortion was particularly bad. I remember lying in bed the night after it and not being able to breathe, thinking i was going to die. I had to phone my dad and get him to bring me water as i couldnt move for fear of dying. I thought then that i was going insane.

Been reading that website - really helpful.

feeling very low, or despondent, thinking that nothing is any good, that life is a long, grey tunnel, and that there is no hope
feeling tired and very lethargic, or even quite numb. Not wanting to do anything or take an interest in the outside world
a sense of inadequacy; feeling unable to cope
feeling guilty about not coping, or about not loving the baby enough
being unusually irritable, which makes the guilt worse
wanting to cry
losing your appetite, which may go with feeling hungry all the time, but being unable to eat
difficulty sleeping: either not getting to sleep, waking early,or having vivid nightmares
being hostile or indifferent to your husband or partner
being hostile or indifferent to your baby
losing interest in sex
having panic attacks, which strike at any time, causing rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms and feelings of sickness or faintness
an overpowering anxiety, often about things that wouldn't normally bother you, such as being alone in the house
difficulty in concentrating or making decisions
physical symptoms, such as stomach pains, headaches and blurred vision
obsessive fears about the baby's health or wellbeing, or about yourself and other members of the family
thoughts about death.

they are main symptoms

You definatly are having panic attacks. I call mine more anxiety, because I don't get extreme in the way you do ie. fear of dying etc. I suggest switching GP if your one doesn't think they are panic attacks!

did you have panic/anxiety before your DS was born?

a major stress eg. the abortion can makes things ten times worse. I get really bad when under stress. xXx

No never!

thats the thing that makes it so bad. before DS was born i was an extremely happy, lively, outgoing person, NEVER imagined i could EVER have any kind of mental illness. Was very very chilled out, relaxed and laid back. a 'not a care in the world' type. Used to think a lot and was very comfortable with my own thoughts and my own mind. Now i feel like i have lost all that.

A lot of those symptoms ring true.. HV never gave me a score from the sheet, nothing.

I would switch GP but the only other one i can go to the 2 GPs there are my parents very good friends! i know they have to be confidential, but they come round to our house for social events and it would be rather awkward.

Pretty classic PND then. Not that im an expert! Can you change surgery then? x

this is going to sound rude, but, were you excited about having DS?

the 2 friends of my parents are at the other surgery. there are 3 GPs in my surgery and they are all terrible. One i really dont like as she refused to book me in for scans when i was pregnant (I only had one, 3 is the norm in my area) and was very rude to me, she did not approve of my work (i was a nightclub manager) and would not sign me off sick when i had terrible morning sickness, instead insisting that i quit (which i could not afford to). And the other one is around my age, and i just dont feel i could talk to him.
So i'm stuck for doctors!

Oh not rude, i was very excited, me and his dad were very happy when i was pregnant, and we had a great life planned. Very happy up until the day he was born. Was in long (40 hour) labour which i think might have been the problem.

is there another surgery though? Theres about...5 in my area. That doctor sounds awful! I got sacked for morning sickness, but was offered to be signed off... but it was too late!

I would bet my bottom dollar you have PND then. Theres loads of ADs avaliable, and therapy like the CBT, and anxiety management. If you don't get on with one AD don't be discouraged though, I've been through a few to find ones I settle on. xXx

this is a website for people who have had a tough birth experience

Even just reading wwhat i have written really makes me think you are right. I'll look into other surgerys tomorrow and see if there are any i can go to. I dont think that there are any that are close enough to my house for me to register at, but i shall look. or i guess ill have to go private?

Thank you so much for your help. It is such a relief to be able to talk to someone, someone who understands and is not patronising!

I'm going to go and try to get 3 hours sleep - oh god!

Thanks Quootie.

Anytime. You can register at any in my area, any distance. Good luck with sleeping! Night xXx

how are you tommysmama? thinking of you hun xx

i'm alright thanks, had a pretty bad day, didnt leave the house, lay in bed with DS most of the day putting DVD's on for him while i slept.. feeling pretty bad.

Been thinking about what would have happened if i had not had the abortion - i'd have had another baby by now. Thinking about it im glad that i had it as i dont think i would have ever coped with another baby now.

DS is off to his dads now so i think might try to find the energy to get dressed and go for a walk.. Could really do with a cigarette! (i dont smoke around DS or in the house..)

hi tommysmama.

i just wanted to say hi and that ive read your thread and im thinking of you. youre doing really well, and youll be ok. is good that you are looking for treatment and im pretty sure youll be back to your old self, and enjoying your child before you know it...

best wishes x

thoughts for you as well xxx

Been thinking about you today, hope you're OK xXxXxXx