DH committed suicide, body found 10 days later part 2

[MamaTeeTee]

The support I had on the last thread was amazing so thought Id continue it.

For anyone catching up, my DH died between christmas and new year. He had been struggling with depression and a cocaine and steroid addiction. His behaviour in the last 6 months got totally out of control. He was drink driving, disappearing for days, sneaking out in the middle of the night. We hAd two weeks apart at the beginning of December during which time he lived with a friend. He insisted he was clean during these 2 weeks but I later found out he wasn't. He moved back home for 2 weeks but christmas was a disaster and he told me on xmas eve (whilst he was drunk and high) that I was his trigger that made him do these silly things and he wanted to leave.
He went to stay with his mum on December 28th although we were still very much a family. He came to the family home for tea after work, we took the kids out togetehr, then he went to sleep at his mums. I thought I was giving him family life without the pressure.
On Tuesday 29th December I picked DH up after work and we went home and played playdoh with the kids for an hour. I took him to the shops to get a couple of bits he needed and then dropped him to his mums as me and DC were going to my dads for an hour. I called DH on my way home to see if he wanted to see the kids before they went to bed but he said he was busy. He came to the house at 10pm as I had made his food for work for the following day and we had a cuddle on the sofa. At 10.30pm when he was back at his mums he text me "is this the way it's going to be from now on?" And I replied "I think so, until you sort yourself out". The texts went on and he explained that he was sorry for putting us through this and how much he loved me. I said I loved him too but I couldn't understand how we had got here and that he seemed to be so much happier being away from us. He text me at 11pm saying "I love you, I love my parents and I love our babies but you're all better off without me xxxxxxxx". And that was the last anyone heard from him.
He has sent me that same text I don't know how many times over the years. I usually get a text half an hour later saying "I'm being a tit, ignore me".
I didn't get another text this time. I text him back a few times but thought he was playing games with me so I went to sleep.
I called him in the morning at 8.15am but there was no answer. I thought he was in work so I tried again at 10.15 when he goes on break. It went straight to answer phone. I still hadn't heard from him at 5pm and I was a little worried but assumed he was on a bender. At 11pm the police knocked the door to say his van had been found in the sea.
It took 10 days to recover my beautiful husband's body.
He left behind me and our 2 babies (4&5). I feel as though the world has come crashing down on us. Dd (5) misses him terribly and is struggling massively. She is terrified that I am going to die and her behaviour is just awful at the moment. DS (4) is absolutely fine. He talks about his daddy very matter of factly.

To top off an already horrific situation, there is a rumour going around that ive been having an affair with DHs best friend for months. My MiL quite evidently blames me for DHs death. And i now have to deal with the awful situation of getting probate sorted so I can sell our house. And then there's the inquest to deal with.
It's all so so shit.

Yeah my mums partner is going to change the locks for me on Tuesday.

Even if there isn't a caveat, I think you should write to her anyway. Grief is understandable but this is just vile

Got in your house? Dear lord.... How do you know?

She's grieving but this is awful behaviour.

Mama I understand your rage, I really do. But with the realization that anything you share with her will be common knowledge and shown all around the town, maybe it would be better to just remain aloof. Certainly stop contact with the kids, but you owe her no explanation for that other than "I'm sure you know why".

One of the first lessons I learnt in my former work was 'put nothing in writing'. Say what you like, but keep that plausible deniability that no 'written record' provides. Tell her off verbally if you want, but as long as it's not witnessed or in writing you can deflect anyone's questions about what you've said to her with a raised eyebrow and a "Wow, I guess DH's death has really unhinged her, hasn't it".

She has a key for the patio door which I know. She's had it months. It can't be opened as long As the other key is all the way in the lock on the inside. The last thing I checked when I left was that the key was all the way in and the door was locked.
My sister has been back and Fore the house to feed the cats and left the window in the kicthen at the back of the house open for them to get in and out as we don't have a cat flap. When I came home I noticed the key had been pulled out of the patio door. Not all the way out, just enough for it to be locked/unlocked from the other side. My sister said she hadn't used that door and there's no reason for her to.
When I went upstairs the high built in wardrobes in DS room were open and I can see that things have been rummaged around in in every room. I keep some paperwork in the kitchen drawer and a letter from my student loan company was on top and i havent read that letter since I had it in September so it would have been at the bottom of the pile.
I think she got in through the kitchen window and let herself out the patio door with her key.

Jeez, she really IS a loon!

So sorry she's messing you about like that Mama, I'm no expert but the caveat thing seems thin, it's designed to prevent any shady stuff going on and despite dying without a will since you and dh were married it would be incredibly difficult to contest that you should inherit everything. I'm sure your solicitor will advise and sort this out for you. Also see if he can help with the mortgage company a letter from him may help? I agree with pp also, don't put anything in writing to mil, in fact cut all contact with no explanation at all would be your best bet. I so wish I could do something to help you practically. Don't let her get you down Mama

I asked DHs friend what MIL thinks ive done that's so awful? he said "it's just because you wouldn't let him come home but any sane person in your position would have done the same".
If I had done half the things dH has done she would have had those children taken from me years ago. She knows what he's done. She's driven me around the streets looking for DH as he's taken my car and driving around the streets steaming drunk on a Friday afternoon. She's seen the states he gets himself into. I'm not his carer. I'm his wife and mother. I did all I could to support him. I even went to work with him one night when he said he was craving Coke so that he wouldn't take it! I went to his counselling with him.
I don't blame myself anymore. And that's a relief.

Don't tell her you're on any kind of medication or she might use it as a reason to suggest you cannot look after your kids. She sounds like she is vindictive enough to do that. Be careful.

Iguana I was literally just thinking that. Since DH has died it has been all hands on deck at her house to get the kids playroom finished. They bought a "doer upper" a few years ago but not much has been done apart from the new kitchen. The playroom is a few days off being finished now. It does make me wonder what the sudden rush to get it done is.

I don't think you can be suspicious enough with that woman. Appalling though it is to have to second guess this loon in the condition you are in, I'm afraid I think you will have to assume the worst from her.

Mama, you poor thing. Keep strong.

I'd get a third person, eg your sis, your dm's partner, nit someone who will over emote to read the letter before you send it. Short, factual, unemotional. Much more impressive and will lead to less trouble.

For how to answer your dd, daddy wasn't thinking straight. But he loved you then and loves you now. Love, like starlight, never dies. ( Debbie Gliori's no matter what is brilliant.)

Ps, if it was the friend d whom the rumour was about that you hugged, he might be feeling awkward . He'll have heard it too.

And what's happened to the mates you went down the pub with? Are they afraid the police will be on their backs?

Unbelievable, can you talk to your solicitor and see if there's anything like an injunction to keep her away from you and the dc, if you think she's been in your home without your permission that might be reason enough?

Have you had a look round the house to see if anything is missing?

I wouldn't put anything in writing to her, lovely. She will likely find a way to use it against you

Are you sure you are safe posting here MamaTeeTee? Maybe changing user name and going back to OTBT like your other thread was, would be wise if your mil has any means of knowing exactly what you are doing.

It might also be better to ask your solicitor to write to her tomorrow, rather than doing it yourself.
She seems hell bent on destroying you; might it be that she is loading you with the guilt she should feel herself for the way your husband was, because if it was 'your fault' it was not 'her fault'.

Put every protection in place for you and your children. Make sure the school knows not to let the children go with her.

It's terribly sad that this lady that you loved has turned against you just at the point where you both could do with supporting each other but it looks as if that's the way it is, you have to deal with it as best you can.

Hi Mama. My husband committed suicide too last month. I had kicked him out after discovering an affair and as it had been with a young girl where we both work (I'm the md and he was also very senior), our employer had decided to move him on to another role in another group company (but not fire him) and I had said he should resign outright when he finally admitted it had been sexual. Upon finding out, I had - over the course of a week - restricted his access to the children as his drinking had been heavy and his behaviour erratic. He spent one afternoon with them but I would not allow overnight. He didn't feel right to me and hadn't for ages. The affair revelation came from someone else, not him, and came after a year where he had behaved coldly towards me. I don't know if his family blame me (he had begged to come home and be forgiven) but I don't blame myself. I've even tried 'guilt' on but I very quickly get back to him and his behaviour. I'm glad you are the same.

I hope you are ok. On the legal front, my husband also died without a will and the law is this: any possessions go straight to you. The mortgage and deeds will move to you. What is in his estate (bank account, life assurance not in trust, savings, investments etc, pension) is more complex but will not go to anyone but you and his DCs. The first 250k goes to you, as does half the remainder. The rest goes to the kids for when they are 18. However, we need the cash now so I am applying to have it all under my control. Apparently this it is likely we will get this.

How are you feeling in yourself? I was angry for the first 3 weeks but now I feel a sort of awful despair

Hello Mamma, just wanted to say I hope you are ok, I've been reading your threads and thinking of you.

I think Greenwood's advice us good, also to get this thread moved.

OP, from the details you've posted on this thread you are identifiable. A quick google search makes it clear exactly who are you are. Please either get those details deleted or move this thread to OTBT, which is more hidden.

I'm sorry for all this shit you're going through. The MIL situation and the rumours are just beyond the pale after everything else

I'm so sorry your MIL is still doing this.
Your DHs friends are just avoiding you because they have seen what drink and drug addiction have done. They feel guilty for encouraging him, and are probably looking hard at their own lives/getting grief from their partners.
Your friends know the truth. It sounds like your MIL won't let it drop sadly. Why she would want to take the home away from her grandchildren is crazy, and no judge in the world would let her have the children if she was trying to make you poor (or wouldn't let her have them if she wasn't )
You're doing brilliantly and the tattoo sounds a lovely idea

I will ask for the thread to be moved now.
I'm feeling empty. That's the only way I can put it. I don't blame myself and I don't blame dH either. Addiction is a bloody awful thing and yes, he was a dick to take the stuff in the first place but it can happen to anyone I suppose.
He was bloody beautiful inside and out before that took over.
I have decided to stop MILs contact with the children once I have confirmation from solicitor that she has put in a caveat. I won't write her a letter but I will send a quick text along the lines of "ive been informed you've put a caveat on the probate. It's in mine and the kids best interests that we stop contact with you until the caveat is removed".
I'm unsure of wether to send a copy of my statement that I have to the police. She will hear it all in the inquest in April anyway but I don't know.

Have read all of both of your threads. I am so sorry for what you are going through. On top of the shock and grief for the loss of your DH it is horrible and deeply shocking that your MIL is putting you through this extra pain.

I get that she is grieving for her son but she must have known about the things he was struggling with. As a MIL and GM I can't imagine how she would not want to be there for her GC and their Mother. She sounds as if she is hitting out where she can just now so take whatever steps you necessary to protect yourself and your children.

Mama, I've been wondering how you and your children were. So sorry to read that your mother in law is causing you even more heartache. Really hope that you can arrange something with regards to paying the mortgage, I think you should follow someone's suggestion of asking your solicitor for a letter explaining the circumstances should there definitely be a caveat - and inform the school if you stop contact and make sure that they know your mother in law is not allowed to take the children at any time. If you rely on your family and friends to collect them at any time then make school aware of who and when. Don't take any chances with this loon.

Take care of yourself lovely

I told the school not to allow anyone else but me to collect them a few weeks ago as I had a gut feeling something would happen.
Ive just had the estate agent out to value the house and it's on the market from today. They valued it at less than Id hoped to be honest.