Why do people say/do these things when your child dies?

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

'When I heard about your child I hugged mine a bit tighter' - Like I care, I don't want to fucking hear it.

'If my child died I would never be able to '- So you would be so much more upset than I am, you have no clue what you would do or be like unless it happens to you.

'At least you have your other children/can have more' - I could have a million more children, it still wouldn't replace my son and daughter.

'I know how you feel my dog died and he was like a child to me' - Just no.

'I know how you feel my Granny/Uncle/Great Grandad died' - again, just no.

Then you get the people who make it all about them, so I end up comforting them because my children died.

The ones who don't even acknowledge that my children exsisted, the ones who shuffle uncomfortably when I mention their names, the ones who think I'm weird for daring to have pictures of my children up, the ones who think they should be forgotton, the ones who try and look for a way I am to blame so they don't have to think that it could happen to them, the ones who try to create a history that never happened to try and hijack my grief by making out they were so close, when in reality they never bothered.

Sorry for the rant, I had an email this morning from someone who thinks I want to hear that she is going to the baby garden I can't go to on my daughters birthday and telling me about her plans when she never even met her and fell out with me because she wasn't invited to her funeral (it was a very small funeral).

I can't make out if she is trying to be nice or just gaining attention by grieving for a child she never knew.

She has done most of the above, and it really grates on me that she is going to my place to remember my children when I can't.

I've encountered so many shitty attitudes over the years you would think I would be used to it, but this has really hit me today

Sorry for the ramble, having a tough day today.

I think people try hard to give you homewards of comfort but have no idea what to say. Certainly I would want to say something kind but it's hard to know what to say and sometimes in those situations it's best to keep quiet but some people aren't very good at that.

I hope this isn't too insensitive a question but has anyone said anything that wasn't crass or upsetting? Was anyone able to offer any comfort at any point? Because I'm trying to think what I would say to someone who had lost a child and I have no idea at all

*some words, not homewards

When my mum died I experienced some insensitive comments too but I really thin they all came from a good place - people wanted to offer some comfort and empathy but really just didn't know what to say. I liked it best when they just told me something abut her that I hadn't known, especially if they'd known her when she was very young. Obviously that doesn't apply where children are concerned.

Rather clumsily, my point is that people probably really are trying to be kind and there is just nothing 'right' to say in circumstances like this, however good your intentions

I would say somerhing stupid bevause that is the type of person I am, which is why I am posting. I don't understand what it is like to lose a child but I am very sorry for your loss.

YesLabrador I have 3 very close friends who have not lost a child and yet they offer me tremendous support. They never try and dismiss my feelings, they don't come out with lame sentences. They listen to me, they hear me cry, they hold me, they tell me stories about my son, they talk about him. They don't wince when I say 'I wonder what he would be doing now/look like'. They tell me that not matter how close they are to me, nor how involved they were with my sons illness and death they acknowledge that they can never truly know what it is to be a bereaved parent. They still say I'm sorry he died nearly two years on. They know I will never get over losing him. They acknowledge that normal happy situations are very hard for me, and probably will always be. They acknowledge that sometimes I laugh and sometimes I cry for no apparent reason. I am exceptionally lucky to have these three friends in my life plus the truly remarkable bereaved patent friends that I have made along the way.

Labrador the people that helped me the most were the people who listened. Who sat with me - even if not one was said between us - who took my DD out for a couple of hours, who bought food etc. The people who didn't help would try to out grief me "oh my aunty died 20 years ago and I'm still in shock". The people who truly care always know what to do.

*word

expat it is probably just as well that you can't remember who it was, how on earth did she expect you to respond to that ffs.

Lab I do think that a lot of these comments maybe start from a good place, but a lot of them are also from a very selfish place too 'your child died but look how it effects me' type of attitude.

Some of the better things people have said to me include 'If there was anything I could say to take your pain away I would, but I'm here to listen', or even 'I don't know what to say, I'm sorry' or 'It's shit and it shouldn't have happened'. On a couple of occasions people have asked about my children, what they looked like etc, that was lovely, to talk about them and be allowed to talk about how I chose names,or how much they weighed or tell funny stories about my son (my daughter was very ill from birth and didn't get out of hospital). Just to have them acknowledged by other people is amazing. They are still my children and I still love them with all my heart, but very few people want to hear that.

I asked my sister to send me a 'congratulations on your baby' card. It might have seemed a bit strange but I wanted someone to acknowledge the life that existed rather than just all the sympathy cards. I treasure that card but I am not sure how I would have responded if someone sent one without being asked to.

For ages I didn't know how to respond to the question 'How many children do you have?' Without feeling awkward or guilty.

I write poems for my dd and I stupidly showed them to a colleague. Her responce was
Why do you want to do that, just forget about her

Yes ok just fuck off you thoughtless cow

I get that blae my daughter was very ill from the moment of her birth, I had no cards because nobody knew what to do, I have nothing to say that anyone was happy she was here and it sucks.

I never ask anyone how many children they have now, before I probably would have though because I just wouldn't have thought about it. I've had a few teary moments and a few awkward silences due to that. These days I just give a vague answer depending on who is doing the asking.

Sugar that is fucking disgusting, your colleague is a total dick, that is way beyond thoughtless and into being cruel.

It sounds as though actions are a lot more helpful than words and I suppose the people who care enough to try to help in a real way are the ones that know no words could help anyway

Oh sugar21 some people are just vile.

Yes she isn't a very nice person and the type who makes snide remarks. I only showed her my poems because I wrongly thought she'd be interested, I should've known better.
I can understand people not knowing what to say but everyone always has to say you'll get over it. Its been 5 years on 21st of this month and I will never ever get over it. Daisy was only 17 months old and she got meningitis, how do I get over that.

sugar I wish I could tell you, I'm almost 18 and 9 years on and I still struggle a lot.

If you feel up to it please post one of your poems here, I'd love to read one.

Elsa Here is a poem for Daisy

Where did you go

Where did you go with your big blue eyes
Where did you go with your constant highs
Where did yo go Daisy mischief
Where did you go Daisy biscuit

I hope you're being good at that school in the sky
I know you wont stop chattering but you must try
Your poor teacher will be tearing out her hair
You'll be coming home saying it's not fair

Is someone brushing your blonde hair
Did you find your favourite Sam the bear
Mummy misses and misses you you Daisy dear
Save me a place for when I get there.

Mummy's sitting watching the sea
Wishing so much you were here with me
I hear your giggle on the waves
Daisy why oh why couldn't you be saved

Sugar that poem about Daisy is so beautiful

It gives a real picture of a cheeky little blonde haired, blue eyed bundle of fun and mischief who is very, very loved.

People don't know what to say. They want to somehow make it "right", when of course there is no right - what could possibly be right about a child dying? Just as when people try and somehow mitigate a death - if it was sudden, a comment might be, "at least she didn't suffer". Or if the person died of cancer, someone might say, "oh, at least you had a chance to say goodbye...". There is no "at least" about it, and saying such things is only designed to make that person feel better.

I haven't suffered the loss of a child, but I am a young (ish) widow and have heard so many stupid, crass things. I do like to think that most people have the right intentions, but some can just be very clumsy about it.

Elsa Yes she was a little whirlwind, never sat still and was never quiet. My Mum says I was like her as a child, not anymore though, I'm totally broken without her.

missy in general I think people do have good intentions, some days I have a lower tolerance for stupid remarks than others. It might be the first time that person said something, but it's probably the 100th time I've heard it and sometimes I don't have it in me to be nice and spare others feelings. I guess we all have that feeling of self preservation from time to time.

Sugar broken is the exact word isn't it, even if it looks like we are fixed we still aren't quite the same as we were before and never will be.

Downstairs that was perfect. Especially as you gave a practical offer of help. A few lovely people did say to me 'ifthere's anything I can do..' which is nice,but I never felt able to ask because I didn't know if it would be taking the piss and asking them to do something they weren't up for.

To share a story of well intentioned AND well executed concern (platitude-free), I'd like to tell you about some of the lovely things the community of mums round here have done for me and my three DC since my husband killed himself a month ago: they did a rota of meals cooked by each of them for me and the kids, for three weeks; they immediately offered play dates for the kids, picking them up and dropping them off; they sent their husbands round with a toolkit to see if any DIY needed doing. And then they have just been there. Checking in, taking me out for a drink, popping round, listening when I cry. It's been amazing. Some of these local women I don't actually know that well either. They are firm friends now. Most have no experience of what I'm facing.

In contrast, there have been some very crass comments from work colleagues (we worked together) and some unbelievably dumb shit behaviour around the funeral from colleagues and old friends (some of whom I had suspected were not my cup of tea anymore anyway). One woman at work, very very senior, was put out that I hadn't returned her call and said to another colleague 'well, I know she is upset but I AM the Global Chairman. I can't believe she hasn't rung me back.' This was about seven days after husband had jumped in front of a tube after an affair at work leaving me widowed with three children under 7. She then apparently was pissed off not to be invited to the funeral and so scheduled a meeting with my boss (who WAS going to the funeral) 90 minutes prior on the the other side of town. So he was obviously late. I think for some people it's all about regaining control when they haven't been shown the 'respect' they think they deserve. What a weird, weird bitch.

Sadly, some of the worst comments many bereaved parents have heard have come from members of their own families. A friend's sister told her to just forget about her daughter, who was 13 when she died in a RTA. Yes, she really said that to her own sister about her own niece.

dily those mums sound really lovely, helpful, but not intrusive or seeking attention for themselves. Some of your colleagues could do with taking a leaf from their book that's for sure.

Expat that is just awful. Absolutely unforgivable.

My mother was one of the worst really when my son died, she said things like 'at least you don't have to buy x brand of wash powder now' and 'Its ok for you, you're his Mum, you get the attention, everyone has forgotten about me' and also told me that I had 'screwed up the only thing I ever did right' within hours of his death. By the time my daughter died I had more than learned she wasn't to be relied upon and kept her at arms length unsurprisingly we are now nc