Why do people say/do these things when your child dies?

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

'When I heard about your child I hugged mine a bit tighter' - Like I care, I don't want to fucking hear it.

'If my child died I would never be able to '- So you would be so much more upset than I am, you have no clue what you would do or be like unless it happens to you.

'At least you have your other children/can have more' - I could have a million more children, it still wouldn't replace my son and daughter.

'I know how you feel my dog died and he was like a child to me' - Just no.

'I know how you feel my Granny/Uncle/Great Grandad died' - again, just no.

Then you get the people who make it all about them, so I end up comforting them because my children died.

The ones who don't even acknowledge that my children exsisted, the ones who shuffle uncomfortably when I mention their names, the ones who think I'm weird for daring to have pictures of my children up, the ones who think they should be forgotton, the ones who try and look for a way I am to blame so they don't have to think that it could happen to them, the ones who try to create a history that never happened to try and hijack my grief by making out they were so close, when in reality they never bothered.

Sorry for the rant, I had an email this morning from someone who thinks I want to hear that she is going to the baby garden I can't go to on my daughters birthday and telling me about her plans when she never even met her and fell out with me because she wasn't invited to her funeral (it was a very small funeral).

I can't make out if she is trying to be nice or just gaining attention by grieving for a child she never knew.

She has done most of the above, and it really grates on me that she is going to my place to remember my children when I can't.

I've encountered so many shitty attitudes over the years you would think I would be used to it, but this has really hit me today

Sorry for the ramble, having a tough day today.

I feel awful posting here as I haven't lost a child, hut my mum has, my little sister
I was shocked and saddened by the things people said to her, how people even avoided her. Crossed the street
They are not people you need in your life. They don't understand, they don't want to and it really isn't worth it
For your own sanity, cut them out
I'm sorry if that is harsh but you've lost your child. It's jot the natural order of life, you are devastated and you need someone to scream at if necessary. You don't need this emotional bullshit
I'm sorry to all of you btw. I think of my sister every single bloody day. Nothing anyone ever says will take that away, make it better. People need to shut up

I'm sorry that your children have died. What a twattish email, no wonder you are having a rough day. It must be heartbreaking

I'm so sorry for your loss .

My goddaughter died last year and her mum shared a lot of the stuff that people said to her and some of it was just breathtaking in it's stupidity. She also had a small funeral and only those of us who were very close to her DD were invited - it was horrifying how many people assumed they'd be invited (especially school mums) when they'd had little or no relationship with her.

Grief tourists are grim.

I agree QOD I had to come off FB years ago, it was too much.

Owl please don't feel awful. My dc are where you are so I really appreciate you posting and I amso sorry about your little sister

Thank you Butter I just ignored the email in the end, she can do what she wants, it's meaningless coming from her. Why she would want to shoehorn herself into this shitty grief I don't know, it's not a path I would choose to walk down. I'll find something meaningful to do on my daughters birthday and anniversary.

Thank you Kylo I'mso sorry about your Goddaughter you sound like a lovely friend. Your support will mean the world to your friend.

My friend died two months after her DD Elsa .

I miss them both so much x

Kylo I am so very sorry.

I am sorry for your losses
I know what you mean
I get " you're young enough to have another" blah blah blah
I've given up fb it's too much
Sharing a hug

Thank you Elsa x

I think people try and fill a silence don't they - most of us have never lost a child and have no idea of the grief, so very different from the grief of losing a parent, a spouse, a friend. People want to say something, anything to fill that void and they so very often say the wrong thing.

I tend of stick with, "I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how you feel".

People are often uncomfortable with tears too I think.

I agree with the posters above who say you need to put self-preservation first and surround yourself with people who will take care of you and provide the support you need.

I hope you find some way of marking your DD's birthday that brings you some small comfort x

Sorry for your loss.

I think people can feel awkward when a child unfortunately dies, and don't know what to say, however well meaning. However, a lot,of,your examples are insensitive and selfish.

Sugar people can be such dicks sometimes. I don't get the thought process (if there is one) behind those comments. Does anyone really think they will help at all?

When our son died, people said the stupidest things. I think that it's because they really don't know what to say, but feel the need to say something. As if anything they say could be a comfort? I had neighbours who crossed the street to avoid me.

It's much better to just agree how dreadful it is e.g. "I'm so sorry", "it must be awful", etc rather than try to offer words of comfort. There is no comfort.

228 and Kylo you are right, people feel awkward and probably say things to make themselves feel helpful, but just get it spectacularly wrong.

Unfortunatly I have no support at all, I'm in a new area, know nobody and have very little contact with anyone from my old life so I'm a bit out of sorts this year.

Yes Octo I had three types of people, those who blatently avoided me, those who were (as was said upthread) grief tourists and then the very few people who were actually honest and supportive.

So sorry about your son

I'm so sorry OP and all the bereaved parents above. I'm one too. It's just more painful then anyone can imagine I'm sure. People don't mean it but haven't got the forethought that neither can they one minute understand it or empathise.

I have a friend, that I still adore, who one day said to me (in the early days when I was sobbing) 'never mind'.

Forgive them, they just don't know. to all.

Elsa, do you feel strong enough to reach out to other bereaved parents locally - do u think that would be helpful?

Your GP may be able to put you in touch with support groups but I know these aren't everyone's cup of tea x

Elsa People don't know what to say so they end up coming out with dickish stuff.

people say endlessly awful things - I conclude this is to make themselves feel better about it/you/their role in not upsetting/their own lives - more an empty placation because they just dont know what to say or are total arseholes

Elsa there are helplines etc. that are staffed by bereaved parents you might find helpful eg [[www.childdeathhelpline.org.uk]]

sorry! www.childdeathhelpline.org.uk

I'm so sorry for your losses

I think, as someone said upthread, some a lot of people actually people are just breathtakingly stupid/self absorbed.

for me, it was
up to 80% of people avoided me or lost contact entirely or in contact never ever mention/ed it
5% of people were okay (if that) - I can count them on one hand, anyway
the remainder said ridiculous things (plus crossover with the avoidant group)

Oh I have said "I have a dd the same age as yours, I couldn't imagine losing her"

I am genuinely sorry if this causes upset, it was never intentional.. just trying to show empathy I suppose

I'm so sorry for all your losses

Thank you all and I am so sorry for those walking this path too.

I haven't replied to 'friend' I just can't deal with her.

There aren't any groups or anything local unfortunately, I'm in a very tiny place in the back of beyond.

The helplines area good idea, sometimes I want to talk but have nothing to say really so it might make for an awkward call

I guess I should give people a bit of a break, if you haven't been through it then I suppose you just don't know, I can barely remember a time when I wasn't a bereaved parent. In some ways it has been forever andin other ways it's been like the blink of an eye.

Thank you for the support. I have nobody to talk to irl so it feels good to vent on here.

Lucy I know there is no malice when people say similar to what you have said, I really do. I, personally, would find that upsetting. Not everyone would, but I do also know you would have been trying to empathise.

I'm so sorry OP.

I've also had comments like yours. One that stands out was "Great tragedy brings you closer to God" - like that helps!

Another was someone inviting me to spend the day with her and her sister/ nieces and nephews a week after my children had died. I turned her down (nicely) and have never heard from her again (2+ years on).

People don't get it ( mostly) until they've been there, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone.