Why do people say/do these things when your child dies?

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

'When I heard about your child I hugged mine a bit tighter' - Like I care, I don't want to fucking hear it.

'If my child died I would never be able to '- So you would be so much more upset than I am, you have no clue what you would do or be like unless it happens to you.

'At least you have your other children/can have more' - I could have a million more children, it still wouldn't replace my son and daughter.

'I know how you feel my dog died and he was like a child to me' - Just no.

'I know how you feel my Granny/Uncle/Great Grandad died' - again, just no.

Then you get the people who make it all about them, so I end up comforting them because my children died.

The ones who don't even acknowledge that my children exsisted, the ones who shuffle uncomfortably when I mention their names, the ones who think I'm weird for daring to have pictures of my children up, the ones who think they should be forgotton, the ones who try and look for a way I am to blame so they don't have to think that it could happen to them, the ones who try to create a history that never happened to try and hijack my grief by making out they were so close, when in reality they never bothered.

Sorry for the rant, I had an email this morning from someone who thinks I want to hear that she is going to the baby garden I can't go to on my daughters birthday and telling me about her plans when she never even met her and fell out with me because she wasn't invited to her funeral (it was a very small funeral).

I can't make out if she is trying to be nice or just gaining attention by grieving for a child she never knew.

She has done most of the above, and it really grates on me that she is going to my place to remember my children when I can't.

I've encountered so many shitty attitudes over the years you would think I would be used to it, but this has really hit me today

Sorry for the ramble, having a tough day today.

So sorry Its curtains I've also had something like "We have to experience a certain amount of pain in our lives, at least yours is out of the way now so it's all good from here on in"

It beggars belief really.

Did she just stop phoning and texting? That is breathtakingly awful.

When I had my stillbirth of twins there were a number of inappropriate things I was told but by far the most offensive to me was..

i know how you feel my dog died and he was like a child to me' - Just no

I know how you feel my Granny/Uncle/Great Grandad died' - again, just no

absolutely 100% these statements. Why on earth would anyone think its the right thing to say. I was asked the day after my boys were born (by a family member who I no longer see surprisingly) when would we be trying again and that I'll get over it soon enough.. I was also told that it was meant to be thanks for that Gah. Just listen, bring food, listen some more, dont bring an agenda, and be a human being. I lost so many friends, partly because they just couldnt be around me anymore. You truly learn who your friends are in these situations.

So sorry Double

I suspect people see us as 'broken' and want to do or say the right thing to 'fix' us.

The meant to be/Gods plan/this too shall pass nonsense gives me the rage.

I'm very much an atheist too lol Had a humanist ceremony for my boys - all of the god stuff people were spouting was ridiculous especially from the people who knew I was and am an atheist. I get not knowing what to say - it is difficult but seriously lol

No offence to any christians here honestly- its just when you are an atheist it's a bit annoying to be told god was in someway involved and that it was for him/her/them xx

I know what you mean. I am an atheist too. I can't get my head around the fact that some people think I would take comfort in their belief that my children dying was meant to be.

I also don't get how "they're in a better place" is meant to be comforting. So they are waiting, alone, for me to die to join them... Not comforting at all!! X

Elsa and others I'm so sorry you've had to endure the ignorance of others.

I cut people out quickly now rather than try to make excuses for them and give them leeway. I can't deal with their denial and lack of fortitude or their selfishness in making it about them.

My own rage is too big to handle their ignorance, frankly. I can't bear it. Don't ever feel bad about walking away from people who can't carry your grief with you. Fuck em.

I've seen some breathtakingly awful things on FB - I delete and unfriend and by god I don't hold back when people act like idiots. Recently a friend lost her 25 year old daughter who has 3 young children, the youngest child being 3 months old. The children's father is deployed overseas. But you wouldn't believe the bullshit that got spewed at her on FB. "God doesn't give you more than you can handle. He just wanted his angel with him. You were chosen for this special time and you will be stronger because of it." ad nasueum. It was unbelievable.

I share lots of things about what to say and how to support grieving parents and parents of children with life limiting illnesses - some of it pre-emptive if I'm honest.

People who try to "fix" and rationalise the unthinkable (such as loss of children) are dangerous because they seek to limit our grief. Those who can love and support us through the destruction, the rage, the unboundedness and the persistence of loss are those that are needed.

Yes, give folks a chance to redeem themselves - no one is perfect and we all say ignorant and thoughtless things but persistently being hurtful (as in the case of your "friend" - sweet jesus the mind boggles) cut them out. Cut them out and don't look back.

As a Christian, I think 'God doesn't give you more than you can handle' is a misinterpretation. I also think God does have a plan - like a beautiful picture there are light bits and dark bits in that plan and if you are stuck in one of the dark bits then it is awful and no one should pretend it isn't. It takes a strong faith to draw any comfort from this and time to see things from a little distance. I don't think it is something to say to someone who is grieving even if you think they had a strong faith (which might have been shaken). If you have little or no faith then I can only see comments such as 'it is in God's plan' as being hurtful.

Yep, heard all those inane things. Gave them the 'Are you an idiot, or what?" stare in response. Or moved away quickly before I exploded.

The one which really made me mad was "And how ARE you?" a few months after Mia died, coming from people who had not been there to support me in those impossible first few months. Grief tourists, who had no idea. What do you think? My beautiful daughter died, and my world will never be the same.

But yes, grief become a competition for some. So tiresome.

Have you told your friend how you feel? That you'd like to go to the baby garden, but you find it too difficult. Perhaps simply ask her not to tell you if she goes again in the future, as it is upsetting for you.

Grief tourists the perfect name for these people. Hi Mia we used to talk quite a bit on the bereavement board. Xx

Thank you for the replies.

I actually physically can't get to the garden. Long story but left my abusive husband and we are pretty much in hiding now so I can't go to the garden again my 'friend' knows this.

I've just deleted that email address, there is no other way for her to get hold of me so she can crack on and do what she wants, hope she enjoys the attention.

It just sucks.

so sorry for everyones pain here, it's just bollocks that you all understand what I'm feeling, it shouldn't be that way for any of us.

Elsa it must be hard not being able to go to your dc special place. Could you choose a place near where you are to be their new special place? A space you could go to to remember them on significant dates or just when you need to?

Thank you blae I think that's what I will have to do. I've had so many years of going there and it feels odd to break that now and I'm struggling with it a bit tbh. There are lots of lovely places in my new are so I hope find somewhere special.

I'm so sorry to hear all this. My husband died last month and I had heard and seen amazingly insensitive stuff, including: people getting annoyed because I haven't returned their call, people who scarcely knew him or he didn't like not getting invited to the funeral (I kept it small as it was suicide) and getting annoyed, comments like 'I don't know how you are even functioning - I couldn't' and emails saying stuff like 'life is cruel, that's for sure' (thanks for your philosophy).

People insisting on sending sympathy cards when I have said I don't want any more etc.
I know that people don't know how to react but if you're not sure, just say 'I'm sorry to hear about....'

Grief tourism is massive everywhere it seems.

Its incredible the utter crap people come out with Elsa

I understand, Elsa.

dily it would be so much easier if people just said 'I don't know what to say' but it's very rare for that to happen.

hmc it really is, just when I think I've heard it all there's always one more comment that shocks me.

expat I know you understand, and I'm sorry that you do

I'm so sorry people are useless at dealing with other people's grief. I have a feeling there's very little that could or would be right to say, but equally saying nothing isn't an option either.

With regards to your email OP.... all I can think is that some people like to get involved in other people's drama, they like to centre themselves in it. It's pretty sick. I'd be tempted to block her from being able to contact you, she may be the type to send an update of how it went.

I definitely don't understand loss, I've never lost anyone and so I won't pretend.

But I'm really sorry for your loss and that you can't go to your special place. As a pp said could you make a new one?

The hugging crap is so offensive. Sure, someone might do it. But to SAY it to a bereaved person?? Christ.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Heard it all too. The worst was someone who left a message on my answerphone asking if I was glad my son had died after 27 months of treatment for cancer. Glad? I assured her in no uncertain terms that 'glad' was about as far away from what I was feeling as could be.

Someone said to me the other day - oh you look well, almost back to normal. Wtf kind of normal is that then? A normal where my son had not died? Because that 'normal' will never apply to me again.

And I hate it when people want to talk to me about their children's illnesses (by which I mean normal childhood illnesses, not life limiting nor life threatening) because I 'know what it's like to have an ill child'. My child died ffs after 27 months of hideous treatment, not a temperature, not a cold, not a broken arm, but cancer.

And breathe ..........

Posie I have got rid of the whole email address, there is now no way for anyone from my old life to contact me at all, and I'll be keeping it that way, she absolutely would send an update, no doubt with selfies attached too.

Sucking you are right, I've done it before after reading news stories, I have never, and would never, say it to someone. I've had it done right in front of me before, with the person actually hugging their child to prove the point. Not much leaves me speechless but that certainly did.

min people just don't get you have a new 'normal' you will never be the person you once were. For someone to ask if you are glad that your son had died is shockingly crass.

Your last paragraph also resonates with me, 'I know what you went through because my child was really ill and we could have lost them' - yes, but you didn't so you haven't got a fucking clue. That probably makes me sound really heartless, but the constant comparison/competition from people who seem to want to feel what we feel gets on my nerves. Vent away on here min I get it 100%.

Oh, yeah, 'I know how you feel, mine could have died.' I'm glad he/she didn't, but you don't know how it feels.

I had one person, I still cannot fully remember who it was or how she got my mobile number, ring me a day after DD1's funeral and say, 'I couldn't be there, because I have a son the same age and couldn't bear it.'

Gees, thanks for that. Ever hear of the phrase, 'Keep your thoughts to yourself.'

And yy, to 'It's better so, she/he was so sick.' FUCK THAT. It's not better. He/she wanted to fucking live. That one makes me delete people from my life.