I'm in such a haze of emotions so perhaps if I try and type what happened it may help a little, sorry for the brain dump but here goes.
I went into labour at 27 weeks completely unexpectedly. I was at home on my own having dropped dd (almost 3) at pre school. Things started as a bit of tummy ache but rapidly I knew contractions were starting and after several frantic phone calls my dh who was at work called an ambulance and I was blue lighted to hospital while he had an hour's taxi journey to find me. Paramedics were amazing but I knew from the extremely fast labour (ending in emcs) I'd had with dd that things were moving fast and I'd began bleeding a lot so was petrified. I was whisked straight into delivery unit where 2 midwives and 2 doctors were waiting, and as expected I was already 9cm dilated. I'd had a placental abruption so was told I'd need an emcs again. Dh just made it in time to be with me in theatre. It was terrifying but our son was born, we heard him cry and initial signs were positive as he was big and breathing for himself.
It was in the next 24 hours that it became clear things were not as positive as everyone hoped. He was very bruised and then had bleeding in is brain which became more and more severe. The intensive care staff were just amazing, looking after him and us so so kindly and professionally so I cling onto that as it makes you realise what kindness there is despite the awful things that happen. After more complications, our son began struggling and by this point our conversations with consultants were increasingly serious. Ultimately our son made his own decision I feel, as I was having a cuddle with him - the first one where I was able to have him on my chest - and he started to struggle with breathing and he passed away in my arms. It was calm and peaceful and he was by this point sedated so was not in distress. I was so glad we were there and it didn't happen during the night or while we were away seeing our dd.
Afterwards we went to a local hospice who provide families like us with a room to be with our son and a flat so we could stay as long as we needed. I washed and dressed him and put him to bed in his Moses basket with his toys and wrapped him in cosy blankets. The hospice were so wonderful and helped us with all the practicalities which we had no clue about.
Seeing my son once he had passed away is the most heartbreaking and terrible experience of my life. I could hardly bare to look at him the next day, I felt the terrible physical wrench of him no longer being with us, like there is just a dead place inside of me that would never ever be mended. I feel terribly guilty about not seeing him again after that point but I said my goodbyes then and couldn't stand to be there any longer so we came home once the funeral directors came to collect him.
And at home, I just miss him so so terribly. I just hope I said the eight things and he knew how much we loved him, I can't even remember what I said now. We have told our dd and she has been very matter of fact about it but her behaviour has been very up and down as there have been lots of family and friends visiting and her routine is all over the place so I am trying to put her first and make things as normal as we can for her.
I'm recovering physically ok from the operation but just want to be fit again so I can be busy and distract myself.
My dh is being amazing, I don't know how he's finding the strength but he is.
The funeral is on Monday and we thought first of all it would just be us but having received so much support from our family and friends we decided to just ask everyone. It will be such a hard day but knowing they all care will I hope help us get through.
In March this year i miscarried twins and felt after that life surely couldn't get any harder. I was so delighted to find I was pregnant again sooner than we'd imagined and after some stressful times early on, after 20 weeks is allowed myself to start getting excited. Life feels so cruel.
I'm terrified about the future. But I'm just trying to take one day at a time and trying to be grateful we have our wonderful dd.
Thank you for reading,sorry this is so long and rambling.