My son killed himself My heart is broken

[sscott1967]

My first born DS decided he didn't want to be here any more. There was no warning. He seemed fine. Going to work as normal, laughing at comedy shows, ordering pizza. Turns out he'd been planning it for a while. I miss him so much..I can still smell him. I have to be strong for our 3 younger boys.

And Twunting. So many of you having to go through this tragedy. I hope you find strength and support from the loved ones around you.

Hi SScott. Hope you're finding some peace today.

It's a very peculiar "club" that us mums who have lost older sons are in. In my case my DS's death was through a tragic unforeseeable accident and the shock was, and continues to, numbing. Death following an illness (whether with visible symptoms or invisible symptoms) is just as shocking and horrific. We've had the joy of knowing our sons as young men and have forged adult friendships with them, as well as having nurtured them as boys. It's a double loss. We're now nearly 15 months down the line from our DS's death. It's so hard, but reaching out to my new MN friends gives me succour and they give me the strength to carry on, knowing that I'm not going mad, but am merely (as if!!!) grieving.

[ChillingGrin out of Halloween name change]

Everything I have typed (and deleted) sounds wrong this morning. I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you all xx

Thank you all for more kind words. They all help. I now realise that time probably won't heal but we will hopefully find a way through the pain x

sscott no, time doesn't heal as such, not for many of us anyway, you just learn to live alongside it. Eventually, for the most part, the elephant stops sitting on your chest and you are able to breath again, albeit less deeply than before. You can't go back, life will never be the same, all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and cope the best you can. Lots of love & strength x

I don't believe that time heals. We just get up, dressed and sometimes put on a mask and function for the sake of our other children..... and sometimes we don't.

Hope you're having a peaceful day. I was thinking of you.

Thank you ladies. When I have a good day I think I'm coping but then the wave knocks me off my feet and I'm a tearful wreck. One day at a time is all we can do. Thinking of you in Kenya Lily x

Not even as much as one day at a time. I go for moment by moment, and if the moments knit together into a longer period then it's good. If not, then too bad. Just do as much as you can do and be gentle to yourself.

Sscott - I read your post over a week ago but had to stop as it is just such a terrible loss and tragedy. I've had more strength today and have managed to finish reading.

I am so sorry I even have to acknowledge the loss of your precious son. So many are dealing with the loss of loved ones and especially our children. It shouldn't be but it is. Take as much care of yourself as you can. There are moments, times and days where it is so incredibly hard to put one foot in front if the other. Thinking of you.

And for you. It's not enough but all MN offers.

Thank you Mojito & Lily.Life can be so sh###.Virtual hugs to both of you

Sscott. Hope you have managed the weekend ok.

I cannot begin to imagine your pain. I'm so sorry.

A friend of dd's took his own life 4 years ago. I'll never forget her telling me. My heart goes out to you so much. Sometimes I really hate being a parent - there's so much love given out and I fear so much for what could happen to the lovely young people we raise. It really doesn't get easier as they grow up. I can't imagine how hard it must be for all of you. Two of mine just had a row tonight - harsh words spoken and it felt so painful.

Just checking in with you sscott

I too was thinking about you to-day sscott and how you are.

Thinking of you

How cruel life is to take your darling son. My heart goes out to you today op.

I'm so sorry darling.
When I was 21, I came close. I lost someone and struggled to cope. Life was empty.
Somehow, I came through it. I'm 41 now. My friend lost her daughter to suicide 2 yrs ago. It's heartbreaking.
I want to hug you.

I lost a relative to suicide 16 years ago, and his mother still suffers of course. She copes now, and finds happiness in her other children and grandchildren. I know deep down she is utterly sad, but she has pockets of happiness. I hope you get there.

Hi all and thanks for the kind words. We're still trying to 'manage'..small steps.

I've just seen this. So sorry for your loss. I hope that you and your family are getting strength and support from one another. I don't know what else to say. I'm a mother of 3 sons and just the thought of what you must be going through has made me cry.