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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My DS's friend committed suicide. How do I help DS?

13 replies

tallulah · 20/10/2014 17:40

DS is 23 and has just heard that his bf jumped off a building yesterday. What makes it worse for him is that we moved 200 miles away so all the friends who have just had the news are together, while he is dealing with the shock on his own.

He met me at work today and just collapsed in my arms. He was shaking and says his head is all over the place.

I remember going through exactly the same feelings and emotions when my dad died unexpectedly so I was able to talk to him, but I'm worried about him. He really wants to race off back there but I've told him there's nothing he can do and to wait for the funeral. Obviously only time will sort him out but is there anything I can do/ should do in the meantime? He lives with his brother & sister rather than with us and they are both trying their best.

OP posts:

Shallishanti · 20/10/2014 17:44

that's awful, am so sorry for your ds (and you)
would it really be a mistake for him to go and be with his other friends?- there may be nothing practical he can do but he may get/give some comfort?
where are the bf's family? they may appreciate him visiting?

Grammar · 20/10/2014 17:55

Yes, I echo Shalli It may just be what he needs to help process his grief and also possibly offer comfort too. There is a horrible feeling of being redundant also, when you are not around a close group. These are such important people in his life and there is possibly nothing more important for him to do right now than go to be with that group. Poor,poor family and friends.

stihlhere · 20/10/2014 18:01

Let him go. When my DB's friend committed suicide he and his friends supported each other, and needed to be with each other He leaned on us after the funeral.

Lookslikeimstuckhere · 20/10/2014 18:02

My friend committed suicide when I was a teenager and the first thing we all did was get together at someone's house.

I honestly think the most helpful thing would be to help him to get to his friends asap. Could you organise transport so it's one thing he doesn't have to think about?

PinkSquash · 20/10/2014 18:07

If he wants to be with his friends I would encourage him to go. When grief takes over you do what you need to.
X

NewEraNewMindset · 20/10/2014 18:09

I agree about letting him go be with his friends. He is old enough now to make that decision himself really although I know you are trying to keep him close right now which is understandable xx

Original poster

tallulah · 20/10/2014 18:09

I hadn't thought of that. When DH comes home I'll see what he thinks. It's a 4 hour drive each way, so not an easy thing to organise but if the general consensus is it would help then obviously we'll take him.

It really helps to get another perspective - thanks all.

OP posts:

BlueberryWafer · 23/10/2014 20:55

One of my close friends ended his own life when I was similar age to your ds. The advice I would give is don't push him to talk about it and let him go and be with his friends. Spending time around mutual friends was what kept me going - we shared stupid stories about him, laughed and cried together. We shared anger and sadness and kept each other going. It's truly a horrible thing to experience, he will feel so confused as to why his friend did this but just make sure he knows you are there for him whenever he needs it, and don't be offended if he would rather be with his friends - that's only natural, especially if they are mutual friends of the person they're mourning.

Purpleroxy · 23/10/2014 21:05

It will help him to go. He needs to sit with the friends and talk about this.

lastone · 27/10/2014 18:40

My friend of 20 years took her own life 3 weeks ago. Without the mutual support of all her friends I don't think we would have coped, we have talked and spent time together before and after the funeral. It's possibly the saddest experience of my life . Try and help him to go, if you can. I needs to be with people who knew her, who really knew what a loss she is xx

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 27/10/2014 18:44

You poor ds, such a horrific thing to have to deal with at any age.

I can only echo what others have said that he may find comfort from being with his friends and supporting each other. It's not a rejection of you, just wanting to be near others who were close to his friend and going through similar emotions.

namechangesad · 03/02/2017 23:52

I'm so sorry to pull this thread up after 2+ years but I was searching the forum for someone in a similar position to my recent (unrelated) bereavement but this thread hit me squarely in the face after seeing the date, then your DS's age and the way his friend passed away because I think he was my friend, too.

Ryan?

traviata · 03/02/2017 23:56

namechanged perhaps you might do better to message the OP using the 'message poster' button?

I am sorry for your losses

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