Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Nephew 19, died at the weekend. Sister devastated, what can I do?

69 replies

Juicylucythe2nd · 22/09/2006 09:09

My very much loved 19 year old nephew died at the weekend in his sleep very suddenly and unexplainably.

My sister is obviously devastated. She is not talking, bearly eating and drinking and is in dispair. I know it is early days, but feel very lost as I can see she is in immense pain, but there is nothing I can do.

She is blaming herself, because my nephew had symptoms of a slight cold and she didn't send him to a walk in centre. I know this is just the shock and in part due to the fact that the Autopsy came back as inconclusive. More tests are needed and a likely cause of death will probably not be given until the new year. This is making it much worse for her - if that's possible.

I just want to know what to do. I live 130 miles away and was with her Monday to Thursday, but felt that I was just invading her space and so have come away. My mum and other sister are there and we were all just moping around. I just didn't feel like it was helping.

Any suggestions greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/09/2006 09:13

My sincere condolences.

Also, IIRC, there are now support groups out there for family and loved ones of those who died from sudden adult death syndrome (SADS).

SADSsupport

Northerner · 22/09/2006 09:16

OMG. I am so so sorry to hear about your sad loss. This is so tragic, such a waste of a young life.

I have no words to make it better, just wanted to post my condolances. An old boss of mine lost her 20 year old son in very similar circumstances a few years ago, it is just so heartbraking.

edie123 · 22/09/2006 09:19

My god how awful, I was wondering where you were on our usual thread...

TBH while it's very common to feel like you are useless in this kind of situation, you are helping loads more than you realise. In this case I would send her messages like texts and e mails quite often, as well as phoning when necessary. Just writing 'thinking of you' is a big comfort. It's difficult with the distance thing, but also offering practical help with shopping and house work will help.

How cruel, cannot think of much else worse. Would she find it useful in time to come and here and talk to others who have experienced the same?

xx xx

ScummyMummy · 22/09/2006 09:22

How awful. I don't think you can do anything except let your sister know that you're there for her regularly and take your cues from her. So very very sorry to hear this, juicylucy.

lilibet · 22/09/2006 09:24

Nothing to add to what's been said, just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss

Marina · 22/09/2006 09:26

Agree with Scummy and the others here. I am so sorry to hear your nephew died, what a horrible shock for you all.
Compassionate Friends is a support organisation for bereaved parents, they might be able to help her.
Does the inconclusive PM mean she cannot have a funeral for him yet?

Babymad4num3 · 22/09/2006 09:26

Oh i'm so sorry for your loss Juicylucythe2nd and your family. (((((((((BIG HUG))))))))))))

hunkermunker · 22/09/2006 09:29

I'm so very sorry - how unimaginably painful for you all

lazybluealien · 22/09/2006 09:33

my sincere condolences.
the loss of a child is always a nightmare. that of a 'grownup' child is i dont know why but somehow even harder to bear for the parents
be there for her. difficult withthe distance,i know. but she needs to know she is still needed in the world.
text her, email her, call her. send her notes, letters just continue to let her know you love her.

trace2 · 22/09/2006 09:38

my condolances! i carnt really help, just to let you know we are thinking of you(((hugs))

Aero · 22/09/2006 09:39

You're helping more than you realise just by letting her know that you're there for her. Just keep in touch. How terribly tragic. I'm so sorry for your loss.

multitasker · 22/09/2006 09:49

Be there for her in as subtle and non invasive way as you can. Right now she is on auto pilot and there may be times in the coming weeks/months when she really accepts what has happened and loses it for a while, thats when you will be needed to pick up the pieces. There no right or wrong way to help someone through a loss and I know it's cliched but time will help.

RachelRose · 22/09/2006 12:48

I'm afraid no words of advice, but just wanted to say how sorry I am. It must be such an awful shock for the whole family.

marthamoo · 22/09/2006 12:52

That's so terribly sad - I'm really sorry.

frumpygrumpy · 22/09/2006 12:53

How devastatingly sad. Every best wish to them and you.

Our neighbours son died age 14 while playing football and she blamed herself because she was a nurse. I imagine she just wants to blame someone.

I agree, keep calling, keep texting, keep writing. She might not want to hear much but once the initial condolences from friends subside, she needs to feel that someone is still there to listen. Just think what you'd like someone to say to you. However stupid it sounds, its probably best said.

Love to her xx.

CheesyFeet · 22/09/2006 13:43

I don't have anything to the good advice already given, but wanted to send condolences. How sad for you all.

coggy · 22/09/2006 23:24

Juicy....I have found these people at 'Care For The Family' lovely in my situation.
I think they are more used to older children dying than my ds so they may be useful for your sister to contact for information.

Bereaved Parent's Network

Also my DH and I have started going to CRUSE for some counselling and support which I'm amazed at because we are not 'that kind of couple'!
It's been really good...although taken us a over a year to feel ready for it.

You and your sister's family are in my thoughts and prayers...especially you my friend.
X

TinyGang · 22/09/2006 23:29

That is absolutely tragic and a cruel thing for you all to cope with. I am so sorry

UrsulatheSeaWitch · 22/09/2006 23:30

How terrible for your sister and all your family, Juicylucy

biglips · 22/09/2006 23:33

im so sorry to hear about your Nephew and hope your sister will be ok...try and be around as often as you can and she will appreciate it in the end

aitch71 · 22/09/2006 23:45

how terrible for you all, my sincerest condolences.

fairyfly · 22/09/2006 23:49

I'd say that you should just be there as much as you can even if you feel like you shouldn't. I am sure she will need you as a punch bag.

I'm really sad for you all, even on the internet to find someone has suddenly died is quite grounding.

EmmyLou · 23/09/2006 00:14

How devastating for your sister, family and you. What a sad, sad loss. I have nothing to offer i'm afraid but my heartfelt condolences.

fussymummy · 23/09/2006 01:20

How devastating for your whole family.

You must stay in touch and let her know you're thinking of her, and that you'll always be around for when she's ready to talk.

Send your sister a note or a card to let her know you care.

You say that you felt you weren't doing much by being with her, but i'm sure she appreciated the fact that you were there.

Peridot30 · 23/09/2006 02:01

thinking bout you and your family. hugs and kisses x

Swipe left for the next trending thread