Nephew 19, died at the weekend. Sister devastated, what can I do?

[Juicylucythe2nd]

My very much loved 19 year old nephew died at the weekend in his sleep very suddenly and unexplainably.

My sister is obviously devastated. She is not talking, bearly eating and drinking and is in dispair. I know it is early days, but feel very lost as I can see she is in immense pain, but there is nothing I can do.

She is blaming herself, because my nephew had symptoms of a slight cold and she didn't send him to a walk in centre. I know this is just the shock and in part due to the fact that the Autopsy came back as inconclusive. More tests are needed and a likely cause of death will probably not be given until the new year. This is making it much worse for her - if that's possible.

I just want to know what to do. I live 130 miles away and was with her Monday to Thursday, but felt that I was just invading her space and so have come away. My mum and other sister are there and we were all just moping around. I just didn't feel like it was helping.

Any suggestions greatly appreciated.

I am so very sorry JuicyLucy.

So sorry for your loss - thinking about you all.

Triplets, what a life sentence , I'm filled up thinking about your post. Your lovely boy has a lovely mum xxxx.

Juicylucy how's things?

Thank you Frumpygrumpy,
I have never really thought about it as being a life sentence, it is, has become a part of my life, something that now is a part of me as breathing. I do have times were I get so fed up of it always being there, just have to go on, though like these past three weeks it has been such a struggle. But here I am, I can still smile even though I may feel that the smile belongs to the other person I have become. I have just been to supper tonight with a girlfriend, we have had a long long talk, and she has told me that despite everything that has happened in the last 12 years, as awful as it has been, and as wonderful as it has been, meaning the birth of my trio, I am still me, and that the day she stops hearing my laugh she will know that I have truly gone. Sort of makes me feel better, if that makes any sense.

juicylucy... I'm sorry for your loss My heart just breaks. Such an awful awful shame. I'll keep your sister in my prayers.

triplets... remembering your and your loss too Come back and play on the multiple threads. We miss you.

Triplets, she sounds like the best sort of friend and I feel what she's saying is, its all gone together to make you who you are. You're not another person, you're just the same person who has add ons and not the sort you ever imagined you'd have. Make sense? I think you said it before, without Matthew you wouldn't have your triplets. Its love/hate isn't it. Glad you popped into the other thread. See you there x.

Sorry again juicylucy for hijacking. I haven't seen Triplets for a while and wanted to catch up. My best wishes go your way too.

Frumpygrumpy, just wondering where you live, I`m in Kent, by the seaside which looked stunning as I walked to the docs today, blood pressure ok btw!

I'm up in bonnie Scotland Triplets. Aren't beaches a good place to sort life out?! And obviously healthy for BP too .

Hi Frumpygrumpy,
I have to confess at only visited Scotland once, and it has very bad memories for me. It was three months after Matthew died and everyone kept telling Harry to take me away somewhere. So he decided on Scotland as it couldn`t be somewhere we had been with Matthew. We drove up to Glasgow and stayed in a hotel opposite the Botanical Gardens? I sat in my room and cried. We then drove up to Fort William, I sat in my room and cried. We drove through Glen Coe and the sheer awe of the place just made me feel even sadder, so we came home. One day I must return, as I know it is a truly beautiful part of the country, it was just the wrong time.

Thanks for all your posts.

Only just got back to work. Funeral was very sad. It was attended by about 200 people, but as my DH said, there's something not right about a funeral where the majority of people are under 20.

My sister coped ok with it, but I think the hardest part is now. Her DH and my DN(Niece) are back at work / school, but she is at home alone all day and I don't think she's doing too great. My other sister has visited her, but she seems to be unable to talk about her feelings and is still internalising it all.

I suppose it's early days and I'd really like to pass her the SARS stuff as that may help, but as they haven't officially been told the cause of death don't know if this is premature.

I will phone her at the weekend and try to see how she's doing, but don't just want to say "How are you?" as this just makes her cry. Feel abit lost

BTW Triplets - thanks for your posts, and so sorry you have experienced this too.

I just wish I could get my sister on here to talk to people like you who understand exactly what she's going though. Haven't broached that subject yet.

Thanks for letting us know how you all are. I agree with your comment about funerals and young people .

Any chance you could print the thread and post it to her or do you feel its too delicate? There is such a lot of great support to be had from here (Triplets especially I would think) and your sister can come on at anytime and say whatever she wants without judgement or feeling uncomfortable. She could change some details and start a separate thread if she wants to be completely anonymous.

IMHO its never too early to have the information, it can be up to her as and when she decides to take it further. I hope it wouldn't hurt her, you would be doing it out of love for her. Sending love to you all.

p.s. it has been written on MN lots of times "I wish I'd found MN sooner". Good luck.

Hi,
I know only to well how hard the funeral must have been, in our case we had a private buurial with just the closest family and friends, and then went to the church for the service, my vicar suggested that and I am so glad because the thought of staring at his coffin, oh even now I cannot bear that thought. When we returned to the church there were over three hundred people, a sea of faces, it was so overwhelming. Our church is very old fashioned, but Matthews friends had been given permission to play, so they opened the service with the tune from Top Gear, the boys all loved that, then followed it up with Queen tracks. That year the boys had formed a band, Ben on the drums, Paul singing and playing guitar, and Matthew on the keyboard. It was so important for them to do that, they needed to feel part, to do something. After that they and I organized two concerts, all local friends and Matthews cousins, we raised thousands of pounds for The Evelina Trust at Guys Hospital for sick children, it was something good to do. Sorry, didnt mean to focus on me again, it just triggered off those memories. Your sister will need lots of help, just keep in touch, be there when she needs you and understand when she doesnt. I remember when Harry went back to work, he was an engineer for P&O,I would be here hours on my own, hoping for the phone to ring or for someone to call round, all too often that didnt happen, because people find it difficult. Then there would be the blackest of days when the phone would ring and I couldnt pick it up, or I would hide upstairs incase anyone came to the door. She will too have these days, just be ther when she needs you.

Ignore this if it isn't relevant......I hope that some may be useful though.

"Some parents who lost their children suddenly shared a few thoughts about things that helped......

Those who just got on and did things - they didn't ask what can we do - we didn't know what we needed.

People who patiently listened, listened and kept on listening, as we needed to retell our story and 're-run' the video.

People who commited to long-term support of the family and are still there months and years afterwards, when many others lives have moved on."

(Exerpt from The Bereaved Parents Network newsletter)

That last one I have recently felt as some 'friends' have been so excited about their situation they have completely ignored/forgotton what we have been through in the past 16 months.....other people do forget and, obviously, get on with their lives but I personally still need to know that people have rememebered.

I know everyone's situation is different, but maybe something will help you to help your sister's family.
Still thinking of you and them.
X

Juicy.........That last posting is some info off their Autumn Newsletter which I got last week.

I've looked on the website but they haven't published that copy yet.

The people are LOVELY......a fantastic and friendly charity which I would highly recommend to anyone so give them a ring and ask for their Autumn 06 Bereaved Parents Newsletter...they'll send you out a copy and any other info you need too.

Bereaved Parents Network

They actually are a section of the bigger charity 'Care for the Family' which is also fantastic and help out people on all situations family-wise.

Sorry I couldn't send you directly to the relevant newsletter but they are easy to phone and talk to or wait another week or so and they may update their site.
X

Sorry....me again.......just looking through that last website and found this........it may also be relevant to you and your sister's family as it has some ideas of what may/may not help.

It's a pdf file so I hope that the link works in the same way.

Death of a Child

Just wanted to update you as you have all been so kind. The coroners report came back that my nephew had contracted a virus at some point during his life which weakened his heart. This is what caused his death. It would have been highly unlikley that this would have been picked up even if he'd gone to the GP, but that doesn't make any of it less painful.

I don't really know much more than that, but know that my sister is still not coping very well. Some people who have gone through a similar experience have recommended she comtemplate going back to work, but she has so far not been keen to take that advice.

Don't really know what I can do for her. I've told her about Mumsnet and other groups / internet groups, but I don't know how ready she is to open up. Just wish I could do something.

I told my family this weekend that I'm pregnant (was waiting for my 12wk scan result). I think this upset my sister, although I know she's happy for me. I think it's all just really hard for her.

Have n't had time to read all the threads so apologies if you've heard this before. What about Compassionate Friends - they are a support organisation for those that have lost children - suggest you telephone to find your sister's local group. www.tcf.org.uk

Leave the info with your sister - maybe sometime she'll feel up to giving it a try. I lost my little boy in very different circumstances - we knew he was dying from cancer. I have been to a couple of meetings and it has helped a little. Be there for your sister - you can't change anything for her. Best of luck xx

So So sorry for your families terrible loss.

My SIL lost her 19month old Dd 19months ago.

She has said that she now knows who are true friends, people want to do all they can in those first days and weeks. Then they get back to their own lives and problems, when people say just be there, that is literally all you can do.

Call them and ask if they want anything, they wont have the strength to call you.
Dont be afraid to mention his name, you cant upset them anymore than his death has.
Just listen, they will probably want to talk and talk at some point, and go over what has happened again and again.

I know others have mentioned compassionate friends, if you go to there site they have leaflets that you can download that will advise you in how to help.

I truly am so sorry for all of you right now, when my niece died i could only describe it as like a ripple effect, with her mummy and daddy in the middle, and the ripples touching us all as they moved outwards.
xxxx