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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Nephew 19, died at the weekend. Sister devastated, what can I do?

69 replies

Juicylucythe2nd · 22/09/2006 09:09

My very much loved 19 year old nephew died at the weekend in his sleep very suddenly and unexplainably.

My sister is obviously devastated. She is not talking, bearly eating and drinking and is in dispair. I know it is early days, but feel very lost as I can see she is in immense pain, but there is nothing I can do.

She is blaming herself, because my nephew had symptoms of a slight cold and she didn't send him to a walk in centre. I know this is just the shock and in part due to the fact that the Autopsy came back as inconclusive. More tests are needed and a likely cause of death will probably not be given until the new year. This is making it much worse for her - if that's possible.

I just want to know what to do. I live 130 miles away and was with her Monday to Thursday, but felt that I was just invading her space and so have come away. My mum and other sister are there and we were all just moping around. I just didn't feel like it was helping.

Any suggestions greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

YeahBut · 23/09/2006 06:07

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you all.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 23/09/2006 06:50

I am so, so sorry.

Miaou · 23/09/2006 07:20

How terrible, juicylucy - totally devastating. No advice to add really, except to say that really there is very little you can do to ease the pain she is going through, all you can do is just be there for her. I think fairyfly's comment about being a punchbag is a good point - often in the early stages of grieving people feel a lot of anger and their nearest and dearest often get the brunt of it. Just be there for her - and not necessarily on the doorstep, on the phone/email/msn too will help - and over many, many years she will want your support, not just in the immediate aftermath.

Wishing you strength to bear this xxxxxx

monkey · 23/09/2006 07:46

wanted to add my condolences too. That's so tragic. Can't imagine the pain.

Pixiefish · 23/09/2006 07:51

so very sorry for oyur loss and your poor sister

Yorkiegirl · 23/09/2006 07:52

Message withdrawn

misspollyhadadolly · 23/09/2006 07:56

Im so sorry for your devastating loss, my heart goes out to your family and esp your sister, its tragic

firststar · 23/09/2006 14:38

Message withdrawn

laneydaye · 23/09/2006 14:55

How terrible juicy, my thoughts go out to you and your family at this incredibly hard time in your lives. I hope you are looking into getting some support for you all.Stay strong for your sister juicy i know it must be incredibly hard.xx

fattiemumma · 23/09/2006 14:58

Im so sorry for your loss.

My mum had very similar feelings when my DS died. she waited months for a final conclusion as to what had casued the death adn during that time she blamed herself. its a distressing but i think quite normal partof the grieving process.

i hope you and your family have answers soon,

trefusis · 23/09/2006 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hulababy · 23/09/2006 15:46

I am so sorry

alibubbles · 23/09/2006 18:09

OMG, I have a 19 year DS. I can't imagine what life would be like without him.............So sorry to hear this, hugs to you and your families.

Original poster

Juicylucythe2nd · 25/09/2006 12:25

Thanks for all your posts. I will take your advise and stay in regular contact.

Although our family is really close we only call each other when there's something to report or arrange normally.

I think the next 3 or 4 months will be really telling about how my sister deals with it.

I think I'll wait to suggest the support networks, as I think she needs some time to comes to terms with it all. I still have moments when I can't believe it has actually happened.

OP posts:

frumpygrumpy · 25/09/2006 13:54

Keep on posting, we're here for you too xx.

Furball · 25/09/2006 13:59

What a devastating shock.

Judy1234 · 25/09/2006 19:05

At the weekend I woke up 3am having dreamt my 19 year old had died in a field in my arms. We couldn't get an ambulance there quick enough. It was so upsetting I woke in the night (she's fine). A girl who lives near us in Harrow was murdered recently of a similar age to my daughters so that perhaps made me think of it. It seems the worst age to die - your whole life ahead, having survived child hood. Better someone my age, 44 dies or even my mother at 75 when she died you could feel she'd had her life. Anyway I am so sorry for your sister.

triplets · 28/09/2006 06:54

Hi,
I am so very very sad for you all, it is the worst nightmare, I know as my son collapsed and died in my garden 12 years ago, he was 14 and at that time my only child. No medical eplanation was ever found. I sadly have several friends wh o too have lost their child in the same way as your nephew. They have gone off to bed healthy and never woken up. Its hell. Do contact Anne Jolly at Sads UK, they are there for the same reason, all young unexplained deaths inc her own son. The main thing you can do at this time is keep in touch, the parents need to know that, looking back on that awful awful time here I realize how many people came, it helped, it is worse to be left on your own, left on your own you dont drink, you dont eat, others will make you, it may seem a silly point but I didnt eat for over three days, you become weak, it is awful. Twelve years later we have survived, but I am at the moment having anxiety attacks, feeling I cant cope, feel as though at times it is all catching up on me. The very worst thing for a parent is that literally after the first year, people lose contact, cards never come for their birthdays etc, other peoples lives have moved on, and it HURTS.My love to your family, you wil need strnfth, I hope you can find it. xxx

frumpygrumpy · 28/09/2006 13:44

Hi Triplets, been wondering how you are, haven't seen you for so long on the multiples thread. Sorry you are having a tough time x.

triplets · 28/09/2006 14:42

Hi Frumpy,
I am hanging on in here, feeling pretty yuk though but outwardly looking wonderful,ha ha! I have leant to wear my other face well. I am sure this is all just a blip and wil pass, I hope so. Anyway its good to hear from you!

frumpygrumpy · 28/09/2006 15:17

Take care triplets. I was thinking about you over the summer, I know thats the anniversary for you and I din't know where to post my wishes for you. "Outwardly looking wonderful" ha ha!! I do that on the inside, tend to outwardly look pretty dodgy!

Sorry for hi-jacking....

triplets · 28/09/2006 22:01

Thank you Frumpy for thinking of me this summer, it was 12 years on the 2nd June, I just cannot believe it. It scares me that in just two years time he will have been gone for as long as he was here. It just makes my heart break. I only have to think of him and I can see him in my mind, but sometimes now I struggle to hear his voice in my head and that really upsets me. I still often find myself walking down the street, then stop and say out loud, "oh Matthew I still cant believe you have gone". Apparently too I sigh alot, just dont know I am doing it. Just got to keep going!

handlemecarefully · 28/09/2006 22:14

So very very sorry juicylucy - I'm not qualified to advise you in any way, but perhaps one of the most helpful things you can do is keep reinforcing to her again, and again, and again that she is not even half a percent to blame (she needs to keep hearing this). Nobody goes to walk in centres with symptoms of a mild cold - nobody. She had no reason to suspect it was anything else.

I am cut up for your sister and for you.

trinity2 · 28/09/2006 22:31

I'm so sorry I can advise anything just want to send you a big hug you must be grieving too. look after yourself and your family.
XXX

TenaLady · 28/09/2006 22:39

Do you know, I know this isnt quite the same but I miscarried triplets last year and I just couldnt be doing with folk around me because it interupted that very much need to greive and think through things.

What i did appreciate was regular written correspondence from friends and family recognising that I was in shock and that they were thinking of me and that should I need any help, I was to call them.

It gave me the space I needed to think. I was the one that made contact with them when I felt strong enough to be sociable again.

I feel very very sad for your loss

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