Feel like I'm going backwards

[HHH3]

A year ago today I had what would be the last contact from DS2's dad. He died 3 days later.

I feel like I'm back to where I was almost a year ago - feel completely lost and angry.

I expected Sunday (the first anniversary of his death) to be hard. But I didn't expect today to be so hard. All I want to do is cry

The first anniversary is always going to be a tough one. Are you reliving everything that happened this time last year ? A year isn't really very long to grieve so I think it's perfectly understandable. This will get better but grief goes through it's own process. I am sorry you are so sad but I can only say that eventually things will improve for you .

I'm definitely reliving a year ago. Last Friday was a year since he saw DS, today was last contact with me, Sunday will be a year since he died.

It was suicide and I think I'm more angry than I was last year because DS is only 17mo and has had so many firsts which he's missed. And there's all the firsts still to come.

I know I just need to get through the next few days - the first anniversaries are the hardest. But I look at my little boy and see his dad and it's so hard.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and your sons. I often find I cope on anniversary days as I prepare myself to cope and then when you least expect it the wind gets knocked fair out of your sails. You will find as time passes you will have these moments/days. I'm not sure there is much you can do other than let the emotions flow whatever they are. I think it helps to let the emotions out rather than bottling them up, I guess most people feel the same. If you find you are experiencing one emotion more than others then think about putting in place some ways to work through it that works for you. A simple example may be with anger taking a boxing class. I don't think that would work for me so please know it is just a simple example. Take care of yourself too. You are as important as your DS.