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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My Niece, stillborn yesterday 21/8/06

84 replies

Sharpe2626 · 22/08/2006 14:37

My sister, who had been trying to conceive for about 4 years, finally conceived a child last December. Her due date was 17th August (last Thursday). I have 4 boys of my own and was desperate for my sister to experience the joys of being a mum. Last Friday we had a conversation where she asked whether it was normal for there to be less movement. As with any questions she had I said I was sure it was fine but if she was concerned she must contact the midwife/labour ward. She was out for the day on Saturday and on the way home realised that she had not felt any movement for several hours so they went straight to the hospital. The doctors and midwives could not detect a heartbeat and nothing showed up on a scan. My sister decided to have the labour induced straight away and after a very slow start gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl in the early
hours of yesterday morning. We were all at the hospital with her and were able to spend some very special moments with her and her husband and their precious baby daughter. They are home now, we have all returned to our homes from the hospital and just feel lost. At the hospital we had one another to support and we felt close to one another. I am at home trying to get back to a normal way of life with my boys. I want to help my sister but have no idea how to or where to start. My mum is with her but I feel I can't phone because I dont know if that is the right thing to do. It looks like the funeral will be next week. How do you cope with something like this? Can anyone give any practical advice?

Thanks

OP posts:

frumpygrumpy · 22/08/2006 22:46

How enormously sad for you all. This must be one of the toughest things. Love to you sweet baby girl, sweet dreams.

Maddison · 22/08/2006 22:48

So sorry that your family are going through this...life is so cruel sometimes

1Baby1Bump · 22/08/2006 22:49

x x x

sleepysooz · 22/08/2006 22:52

I am so sorry! prayers and thoughts are with you and your family at this very sad time!

aitch71 · 22/08/2006 23:01

my deepest sympathies to the whole family at this terrible time.

Yorkiegirl · 22/08/2006 23:02

Message withdrawn

milward · 22/08/2006 23:03

Thoughts are with you all xxx

snorkle · 22/08/2006 23:06

Message withdrawn

bubble99 · 22/08/2006 23:06

My full-term, healthy twin boy died during labour last year due to a f**k up (undisputed) by the hospital. His twin brother survived.

I came home with one baby when I should have had two. I, sadly, can imagine what your sister is going through.

Nothing will really help her, except time. She has a long road ahead, and she is lucky to have you with her on such a painful journey.

ghosty · 22/08/2006 23:12

SquillosMum · 22/08/2006 23:18

Really sorry to hear such sad news. My sister's twin girls were still born last November at full term. I have found it hard to know how to help and not knowing whether to call or not is also hard. I tend to call as they can always not answer if they don't want to talk. I live a long way from them so couldn't do much practical, but did make some calls for my sister about counselling (after she'd OK'd it).

My sister gets upset when people don't talk about her girls - it's hard to do though as we have very few memories of them. But I do talk about them and to her about her experiences. All of this is so hard to do by phone though - sometimes only a hug will do.

I'm sure that you will help your sister all you can. I think once the initial shock has passed it is important to remember that she is going though this every day of her life.

I hope this helps you to help her.

Thoughts with you all at this sad time. x

sweetmum · 23/08/2006 12:55

hey, i am really sorry to hear about your sister loss. After trying so hard for pregnancy for so long, one's get desperate for a baby. And then knowing you are pregnant, knowing there is a life growing inside you..you imagine so much, cant wait for him/her to be born. She must be devastated. The best thing you can do is just be there for your sister. She needs your emotional support. You are her sister - sisters are very close to each other. Just let her know you are there if she needs a shoulder or just needs someone to talk to - you cant do much with these type of things. And she may not heal from this experience, but i hope she gets pregnant again soon and have healthy baby which will help her to cope.

Tell her not to lose hope. I am sure, this experience would have brought her hubby and her even more closer to each other than ever bfr ..

just let her know that all of us are thinking of her and her beautiful little daughter.

iamapieceofcheesecake · 23/08/2006 13:09

I'm so sorry. I haven't had experience of this but I was moved to tears by this and the messages that other people have left. My deepest sympathies go out to you all. xxxx

SoupDragon · 23/08/2006 13:13

Lots of sympathy to all your family.

I've just read this and my blood has run cold as the midwife commented that BabyDragon had a knot in her cord. She's fine but I now see that we may have been lucky.

SandCastles · 23/08/2006 13:23

have no advice to offer, just lots of sympathy for you all. xx

SleepyJess · 23/08/2006 13:34

Sending love and prayers to your sister and all of you xxxx

winnie · 23/08/2006 13:40

sharpe, I am so sorry, how terrible
Following a friend giving birth and their baby dying my advice would be never forget she is actually a Mum. I know that my friend appreciated the fact that I never ignored this, many people do Take care of yourself too.

essbee · 23/08/2006 13:51

Message withdrawn

fairyjay · 23/08/2006 14:18

So sorry

fussymummy · 23/08/2006 14:29

Hi Sharpe, I've been through this myself 6 years ago and am still grieving for my darling son.
I had one child already, and have since had two more but i wish he was here with me as well.

Very rarely do my family talk about him, and this hurts me more than words can say.

They know how upset i get, if he does get mentioned so do not say anything as they don't want to make me sad.

Get someone to look after your children and go and see your sister and have a cry together.

You have been robbed of a darling niece and your sister of her daughter.

Encourage her to go back to the hospital to see her baby as and when she wants to.

Make sure she gets a lock of hair, and hand and foot prints and as many photos as she can.
Even photos of baby undressed.
It may seem odd doing it but she will cherish them in the years to come.

Vecer forget the fact that she is a mother, even though she doesn't have her baby with her.

She will still experience her milk coming in which will be a hard thing for her to deal with.

Has she given her daughter a name???

What part of the country does she live in?

izzybiz · 23/08/2006 14:50

I would call her, she probably doesnt even have the strength to pick up the phone.
All you can do is be there whenever she needs you, talk about her daughter, dont try and forget her(i know thats impossible)
My SIL lost her 19 month old Dd, and she likes to talk about her all the time, she wants her too be remembered and included in things.
Remember important dates, and send a card, or just be there with a big hug.

Lastly i will say, make time for your own grief, as fussymummy says you have been robbed too, just in a different way.

so sorry for you all.x

fussymummy · 23/08/2006 14:57

If you want to take a gift to your sister why not get her a special journal that she can write all about her journey through trying to get pregnant and how she felt once she was pregnant.

How she dealt with her pregnancy, and then the sad tragedy of stillbirth.

She can also record her baby's funeral and keep in it all the cards from the floral tributes.

I was given this advice by a child bereavement counsellor and it does help.

I thought she was mad when she told me to do this, but it really does help.

I have to go offline now as my children want attention, but i'll be back later when they've gone to bed.

helsi · 23/08/2006 16:38

My thoughts and prayers are with the family at this sad time.

foundintranslation · 23/08/2006 16:49

Sharpe so very very sorry for all your loss.
I have no advice or wise words, just my thoughts.
You're in my prayers.

Nemo1977 · 23/08/2006 16:52

no advice but lots of hugs love and prayers.
I have a few friends who have lost children to still birth and also genetic conditions and all of them say they have hated it when people have semi ignored the fact their child was around regardless of if it was in utero or for a few days.

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