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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My Niece, stillborn yesterday 21/8/06

84 replies

Sharpe2626 · 22/08/2006 14:37

My sister, who had been trying to conceive for about 4 years, finally conceived a child last December. Her due date was 17th August (last Thursday). I have 4 boys of my own and was desperate for my sister to experience the joys of being a mum. Last Friday we had a conversation where she asked whether it was normal for there to be less movement. As with any questions she had I said I was sure it was fine but if she was concerned she must contact the midwife/labour ward. She was out for the day on Saturday and on the way home realised that she had not felt any movement for several hours so they went straight to the hospital. The doctors and midwives could not detect a heartbeat and nothing showed up on a scan. My sister decided to have the labour induced straight away and after a very slow start gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl in the early
hours of yesterday morning. We were all at the hospital with her and were able to spend some very special moments with her and her husband and their precious baby daughter. They are home now, we have all returned to our homes from the hospital and just feel lost. At the hospital we had one another to support and we felt close to one another. I am at home trying to get back to a normal way of life with my boys. I want to help my sister but have no idea how to or where to start. My mum is with her but I feel I can't phone because I dont know if that is the right thing to do. It looks like the funeral will be next week. How do you cope with something like this? Can anyone give any practical advice?

Thanks

OP posts:

mumandlovingit · 23/08/2006 17:55

im so sorry to hear of your loss.i cant imagine what you are all going through at present.we almost lost our second child during labour due to several complications.it took alot to revive him and to this day i still end up in tears when thinking about it.i really wouldnt know the frst place to start coping if the same had happened to me.support, time and lots of love and hugs are essential for all of you to be able to even begin to start to cope and understand what has happened.my thoughts are going out to you and i hope you can all pull together to get yourselves through this terrible time.like other people have said.its harder when people ignore whats happened than talk about it.that child was a part of your lives and always will be.cant find them at present but there are alot of good poems and readings on the internet regarding tragedies like these.i will try to find a nice one and post it.

solveig · 25/08/2006 10:13

Dear Sharpe, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your niece. I too lost my niece earlier this month. She was born at just 28 weeks and did very well for two days before her parents, my brother and sister-in-law, had to say goodbye to their first child just two days after she was born. At the same time, a close friend lost her little boy at 38 weeks, in very similar circumstances to your niece. All I can offer by way of advice is what others have said. Allow them to talk about your little niece, I hope she has a name now and that they have been able to take photos to help remember her. In trying to think of ways to help I've used something which my brother said to me, he said they couldn't think for themselves so we needed to think for them and do what we thought would be right for them. For us that included shopping, cleaning and helping with diy. It's also true that you should phone, if they don't want to speak then you can leave a message. The funeral will be incredibly hard for everyone and my thoughts and prayers are with you all. Our little angel's funeral was this week and my friend's little boy's funeral was last week. Don't assume that your sister won't want to see your boys, speak to her about it, they may be a comfort to her, give her and her husband the option to decide. Do everything from the heart and you will be doing the right thing. Lastly, do look at SANDS. I know that many have found it very helpful. Good luck Sharpe, to all of you, there are lots of thoughts and prayers with you.

Clarinet60 · 25/08/2006 11:33

Just wanted to add my sympathies, Sharpe, and to say I'm thinking about you & your family.
And Coggy, so sorry about your colleagues attitudes, on top of everything else. I know what that's like, albeit in a different way.
xxxx

BROWNY · 25/08/2006 11:42

So, very sorry for you, your sister and her family, really don't know the right words to say, just wanted to add my heartfelt sympathy to you all and to say that your little neice will be in my prayers tonight xxx

fussymummy · 28/08/2006 00:22

Hello sharpe just wanted to let you know that you and your sister and her darling daughter are still in my thoughts.

How is your sister and all the family?

Has she had the funeral yet?

Take care. xx

kama · 28/08/2006 00:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

fattiemumma · 28/08/2006 00:35

Sharpe - my sister was stillborn in 1997.

without taking a breath she had stolen ours.

It is incredibly difficult. I know the situation you find yourself in, you too are greiving but you don't want your greif to show in front of your sister. i remember crying whilst washing up...doing everything i could to help out.
i have no recollections of the funeral at all, it was justa blur.

i do know that it was beautifull but that seeing a tiny white coffin upset me more than i could possibluy put into words.

did your sister have a name for your neice? My sister was named throughout the pregnancy and so she was buried with that name.
she is still a apart of our lives, i still include her when people ask how many siblings i have.

I have no real practicle advice, i just wanted to share with you. when i saw your thred my eyes stung with the tears and i just wanted to hold my own children. i honestly don't know how my mum manages every day.

something i would say though is that whilst of course it is terrible for your sister, try and make time to ask how her partner is. my father would sometimes say that he felt as if his feelings weren't important, that he wasn't as upset about the death...clealry he as but people would rally arond my mum and they just accepted that dad would just get on with things.
i know that he found the death just as painfull but that he often felt as if he wasn't considered to be in pain.

musicbugs · 28/08/2006 01:18

Sharpe, I am so sorry to hear of your sisters devastating loss.

help your sister to gather as many memories of her beautiful daughter as possible. It must be the hardest thing to have to do, but she and her husband will be so glad of the memories in the future.

I have found this website for you, set up by another mother who lost her child. They make beautiful memory boxes, perhaps you can make something similar for your beautiful neice.

Thinking of you all

Jalexandra · 28/08/2006 20:22

I am so sorry to hear such sad news.
My first child (a girl - Madeleine) was stillborn in 2001. It is impossibly hard at first, but it helped me enormously having the support of my family and friends. It was a dark time , but I now have a 2 1/2 year old son and a 14 month ols daughter. We visit Madeleine's grave together evry week, and it is a real joy do to so. You never really get over losing a baby but incredibly happy events (like my ds and dd) make life wonderful again, as I am sure your sisters will be.

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