Please or to access all these features

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

My Niece, stillborn yesterday 21/8/06

84 replies

Sharpe2626 · 22/08/2006 14:37

My sister, who had been trying to conceive for about 4 years, finally conceived a child last December. Her due date was 17th August (last Thursday). I have 4 boys of my own and was desperate for my sister to experience the joys of being a mum. Last Friday we had a conversation where she asked whether it was normal for there to be less movement. As with any questions she had I said I was sure it was fine but if she was concerned she must contact the midwife/labour ward. She was out for the day on Saturday and on the way home realised that she had not felt any movement for several hours so they went straight to the hospital. The doctors and midwives could not detect a heartbeat and nothing showed up on a scan. My sister decided to have the labour induced straight away and after a very slow start gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl in the early
hours of yesterday morning. We were all at the hospital with her and were able to spend some very special moments with her and her husband and their precious baby daughter. They are home now, we have all returned to our homes from the hospital and just feel lost. At the hospital we had one another to support and we felt close to one another. I am at home trying to get back to a normal way of life with my boys. I want to help my sister but have no idea how to or where to start. My mum is with her but I feel I can't phone because I dont know if that is the right thing to do. It looks like the funeral will be next week. How do you cope with something like this? Can anyone give any practical advice?

Thanks

OP posts:
coggy · 22/08/2006 16:10

I agree with Manoo.
I have one or two collegues who completely ignore the fact that I have been pg to full term and given birth normally.

When they have converstaions about pg, birth etc these people never ask me anything but still have the conversations in front of me!!

I love it when I'm asked about my ds.
He may not have been around for anyone else to see but he was a massive part of my life for 9 months and I hate it when people ignore the fact that he existed.

If, in the future, your sister would like to contact someone who has been in a VERY similar postion I don't mind at all.
X

psychomum5 · 22/08/2006 16:11

so so sorry.

I have a close member of the family who had a stillbirth....in fact my stepmother.

she had her daughter (my half sister) in 1993, and called her Aphra-Millie. She lost her during labour due to placenta failing (the midwives had let her go too long over dates it was discovered at the inquest).

For her the most painful thing was how everyone seemed to make it into a huge secret....Aphra was never mentioned, nor my stepmothers feelings. I went a lot tho in the early days....i took food and did their shopping for them cooking meals and freezing them etc.

later on it was harder as distance and time and other issue got in the way, but when I have seen her since she often mentions that as being the best possible help.

that, and the fact that I collected a few bits and pieces for them for a memory box....a trinket box for a lock of hair, frame for the scan picture, album for the other pictures....and I had her name engraved on a locket for my stepmother to wear too. (in fact, that was the one thing that made her cry as she was then able to carry Aphra with her and really hadn't felt at peace until she could do that again.

It is a heartbreaking time for you all....and the first few days are so very very hard, but then she will find that the next weeks and months will be harder again.

the date she discovered she was pregnant will be hard, as will other times up until the first birthday/anniversary. And even beyond that....it will never leave her. but allowing her the time to grieve, the acceptance to talk and the ability to feel loved and she will 'get thro it' in a best a way as is possible for her.

my sympathies are with you all.

Piffle · 22/08/2006 16:12

I am so sorry to hear this Sharpe, I hope your sister is doing ok, what a devastating thing to happen
xxxxxxxxxxx

sorkycake · 22/08/2006 16:23
Sad
pinkranger · 22/08/2006 16:32

so sorry for you and your family xx

yeahinaminute · 22/08/2006 16:34

So, So sorry I have had 2 stillbirths - my darling Catriona at 42 weeks and sweet little Andrew at almost 25 weeks

With Catriona I experienced the same thing - went in for a scan - no heartbeat and was told the devastating news - they sent me home and then brought me back that evening to be induced - I had her at 4.11pm the following afternoon - We have no idea why she died.That was in Feb 2000

After a bad car crash in April 2001 whilst 20 weeks pg I was brought in for a scan where it was revealed that our LO appeared to have various serious problems in his development - only 1 kidney and the kidney he did have was not functioning correctly - so after weeks and various tests we decided to interrupt the PG and I was induced at almost 25 wks.

Everyone automatiacally thinks of the mum at this sad time but my DH found a web site called Still fathers who were fantastic.

We had funeral services for both of them which sort of helps in a strange way - Sorry - welling up now - My love to all of you and yours - Take Care - and if you or she wants to talk to someone who has been through this then please please CAT me - I'll light a candle for you all xx

yeahinaminute · 22/08/2006 16:40

Here is the SANDS website:

SANDS

LIZS · 22/08/2006 16:41

I'm so sorry . Bless the little angel.

biglips · 22/08/2006 16:44

im so sorry to hear yours and your sisters and her family loss xxxxxx

mrsdarcy · 22/08/2006 16:57

I'm so so sorry, Sharpe.

SANDS are excellent, and they can advise your sister on funeral arrangements and practicalities like that, as well as support and a listening ear.

What happens over the coming weeks will, together with memories of the pregnancy, form all of your sister's memories and mementoes of her daughter. The memory box for a stillborn child is heartbreakingly small, so hymnsheets, letters, pressed flowers - whatever - are all terribly important.

yeahinaminute · 22/08/2006 17:10

Agree with MrsD - although precious few things - put some photo's, cuddly toy and letters etc in with the LO.

Did they take photo's yesterday? We did and have those along with cards from the funeral, pressed flowers from the wreaths etc all in a memory box -The hospital also did a little book with their foot and hand prints and a lock of Catriona's hair etc - I have to say - should the house burn down apart from saving DH, DD, DSS and the mutts I would reach for my memory box.

Sharpe2626 · 22/08/2006 19:18

Thanks for all your kind words. If anyone has anymore to add, I will be watching. I have passed on your kind words to my sister and when she feels ready I am sure she will read them. It's really nice to know we are not on our own. Thanks

OP posts:
hulababy · 22/08/2006 19:19

So sorry Thinking of your sister.

MagicGenie · 22/08/2006 19:28

Sending love to you, your sis and all of your family Sharpe2626.

Also to others on the thread who've been through this themselves.

xxx

theshrimp · 22/08/2006 20:30

Thinking of you all and your special little one. Much love
shrimp xxx

MarsLady · 22/08/2006 20:32

I'm so sorry I'll keep you in my prayers.

Tutter · 22/08/2006 20:40

so sorry to hear of your family's loss. sending you love and strength xxx

Xena · 22/08/2006 20:42

so sorry for your sister and your family xx

CorrieDale · 22/08/2006 20:48

My heart goes out to you and your sister and your family. I'm so sorry

CaptainDippy · 22/08/2006 22:27

Thoughts and prayers are with your sister and her DP Sharpe2626, so so How awful for them, I am so very sorry. Praying for you and for your mum as you help her and support her through this. [hugs] xxxx

Californifrau · 22/08/2006 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tommy · 22/08/2006 22:40

so sorry to hear this sharpe

My sister had a baby boy still born at 32 weeks, 5 years ago.

The thing that she found most difficult was people not mentioning him - and she still finds this now. They always do something together as a family on his anniversary.

The funeral was really heart wrenching.

I'm so so sorry for you and your family.

Beauregard · 22/08/2006 22:43

Just wanted to send my deepest sympathy to your sister and your family,may her angel rest in peace

villa · 22/08/2006 22:45

Sharpe - So sorry for your sister & all of you xxx Thoughts to all who've been through this xxx

Xavielli · 22/08/2006 22:46

Praying for the whole family