My beautiful son

[minmooch]

After nearly two and a half years of a fight with cancer my beautiful 18 year old son passed away this morning at 11:20 am.

I am humbled by his strength and humour that he has shown throughout his short life.

Such heartbreaking sadness - no mother should have to endure it. I am so sorry for the loss of your Boy. Life can be so unfair. X

I don't know what to say, min. It is so incomprehensible and so very, very wrong.
But I am always listening, and always sending love.

Will sounds truly amazing. I, for one, would love to hear more about him, should you ever feel it would be OK to share any more memories of him.

Thinking of you.

Been away with no internet, but thought of you, Min.

Sending my love & hope today isn't too miserable for you.

Thinking of you today, minmooch.

Thinking of you x

My darling boy, your grandmother joined you today. Look out for her as she has a kiss from me for you xxxxxx

I am so sorry for your loss min, your mum will make sure your beautiful son is doing just fine, he will be well looked after.
Sending love to you and your family x

Dear Min. Just sending you love.

Min, just love & hugs from me.

(((xxx)))

Just popping by to wave to you, Min.

No need to reply but don't want you to think that you are not thought of.

(((xxx)))

Also just stopping by to say I'm thinking of Will and you.

My darling boy. My heart hurts. I love you so much and I can't bear that you are not here. Your brother finished school yesterday, had his leaving ceremony. I hope that wherever you are you somehow know how well he's doing. It's so hard enjoying your brother's achievements knowing you didn't get the same chances. Trying to hide my sadness is exhausting.

I wish I could hold you, see you, tell you how much I love you. Watch you grow up, go to university, get jobs, have girlfriends, get married, have kids. It's a physical pain that you aren't going to experience these things.

I love you with all my heart. I miss you painfully. I ache for you in the very heart of my soul.

Min

I can not begin to have any understanding of your pain. I really can not & I would be a fool if I said I could.

All I can say is that, thanks to the internet, I will always be here for you - I am but a stranger listening & I only hope to give you a tiny, tiny crumb of comfort.

I look at this thread every day - I do not look for a reply, I just want you to know that this is a place where you can come & scream, shout & offload it all .

And I bet Will's brother didn't even know your pain at his leaving ceremony.

You are so very obviously such a wonderful mother.

You are in my thoughts, as is Will & Katie & Anna.

I am going down to walk by the sea tomorrow , as I do often, and every time I do I send a thought for you, Will, Katie, Anna & Will's brother ( sorry I don't know his name) off to that horizon.

My love to you & all of yours.

Thank you Magi always for your kind words. It helps to be heard, the isolation, the lonliness of child loss is horrendous.

Alex is my other son. Tall, handsome, intelligent, witty with an annoying teenager habit of grunting so I repeatedly have to say 'what did you say?' And he didn't know how painful it was for me. It was, rightly, his moment.

The sun is shining here this morning. I'm going to work on my allotment - that's where I feel my Will.

Dearest Min. I truly understand your pain. I really do. The joy we have in our other boys doesn't take away the sting and grief of losing the others. Sorrow is so exhausting.

The pride and joy we feel in our other sons is always underpinned by this sorrow and grief. We are such fantastic actresses. How can we let our other sons know or think that their lives and achievements are of less importance than the death of their bother? It can't be so.

You are an amazing mum. Your strength and grace are to be admired. Please be gentle with yourself.

Just popping by to keep this thread on my list.

Think of you, dear Min, & Will, Katie, Anna & Alex.

Especially every time I see the sea - a thought for you gets blown out to the horizon.

I think of you, Will and your family very often, minmooch.

Congratulations to Alex on finishing school (and to his incredible mum for supporting him through it all). It must be so hard to experience all the conflicting emotions these milestones must bring for you.

I hope you've been able to spend some time in your and Will's allotment in the sunshine.

My darling boy. It's been a while since I posted. I dreamt of you last night. We were at your funeral, but we could see you. During the service you turned over. The service came to a stop as we realised you were still alive, despite three Drs agreeing you had died and being in your coffin for three weeks. I was overjoyed. I got to hold you again. You were so weak, you could hardly move, but you were alive. I felt haunted that we had left you in your coffin. But I could talk to you, hold you, walk with you even though you were so weak. I could feel your arm around my shoulders as I took your weight. I could tell you how much I love you.

I have woken haunted by my dream. Guilt that I left you. Overjoyed to see you alive. Realisation it was only a dream.

I love you with every beat of my heart. With every breath I take. I love you to eternity.

Your love for Will shines out. It is a burning beacon of light for him.

Try (& I know it's hard) to never, ever, fell any guilt over Will.

You were the most wonderful mother & I am certain that he always knew that.

Not a day goes by that I do not think of you & yours, Min.

Every time I see the sea I send my love over the waves to you, Will, Alex, Katie & Anna.

Thank you Magi. I hope I was, I hope I was. Will was easy to love - funny, quirky, gentle, endless patience with younger children, always, always, always saw the best in people. He tried so hard to beat it, to survive against the odds. And he did it with such Grace, such strength. Such a wonderful boy.

Wonderful boys do not happen without a wonderful parent, Min.

Will sounds absolutely wonderful, minmooch.

And, as magi says, you played no small part in that. Will has an amazing mum, and I have no doubt that he felt the strength of your love for him for every second of his life.

Will has an amazing mum.
Sending you lots of love XXX

I'm so fucking tired of it all. Enough now. Come back. Let it have been a nightmare.

I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm sad. I love you. I hurt. I'm lonely. I'm sad, so very, very sad.

I love you. I want to hold you. I want to see you. Hear you.

My body hurts with the effort of continuing in this world without you.

I love you.

Do you hear me?

I love you. My darling child. I hurt. I am broken. I am mad.

You had this birthmark when you were born, above your right eye. It faded and only a little paler mark could be seen when you were tired. I could see it.

You called me hoglet. We had silly names for each other. I miss you with all my heart. My first born son, my love, my ache, my dream.