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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My beautiful son

999 replies

minmooch · 26/02/2014 17:13

After nearly two and a half years of a fight with cancer my beautiful 18 year old son passed away this morning at 11:20 am.

I am humbled by his strength and humour that he has shown throughout his short life.

OP posts:

stottiecake · 21/12/2014 00:13

thinking of you and sending love x

LilyTheSavage · 21/12/2014 10:20

Just sending love min. This is such a grim time of the year. Just seems to add insult to injury when everybody is so frigging jolly. XX
(Thanks magi)

Original poster

minmooch · 22/12/2014 12:24

Thank you all for your thoughts and kind words.

Pressure still building. Christmas is only a day, but what a terrible day to be without you, my boy, my love, my life. The last 3 Christmases have been terrible - in hospital just after your brain surgery, in hospital on terrible chemo regime, at home but weak and knowing it was going to be your last. But now without you. There are no words. I try and find the light and love and laughter, to honour all that you fought for, for you for your brother. But by god it's hard. It seems hollow most of the time. But I love you. I love your brother. It's hard to grieve for one son and live for the other. I love you both with every beat of my heart and with every agonising breath I take.

OP posts:

LilyTheSavage · 22/12/2014 22:52

You've said everything I'm feeling just now. There is a gaping hole in our hearts. xxx

magimedi · 22/12/2014 23:02

Min & Lily - all I can give you is love from a total stranger who is but words on a page - but you are heard here & you are listened to & we will always be here to listen to you.

I always take a walk by the sea on the 25th & I will stop for a moment & send my thoughts out there for both of you & yours.

Original poster

minmooch · 23/12/2014 08:14

Lily my love and thoughts are with you too. The burden we carry is so very heavy - but it is a burden made up of love and grief in equal measures. Xx

Magi you may be a stranger on the internet but your words are always so lovely. That you take time out of your day to think about me (and others) means an awful lot. Xxx

Grief is like a physical illness. I have woken this morning with the terrible shakes. I know it is the build up of pressure of Christmas - just one day, but of such significance. Need to concentrate on one breath at a time, moment by moment, one foot in front of the other. Tears are just under the surface, threatening to overspill. Can't speak to people I know, they will ask that question 'how are you?', I get by until someone asks that question and it is like a slap in the face. They are asking out of kindness, but they are asking because you died. It's all so very difficult.

I love you my child. I held you in my arms the second you were born. I had the honour of holding you in my arms when you died. I will love you til my dying day.

OP posts:

Original poster

minmooch · 24/12/2014 11:09

My darling boy, my love, my dream come true. I can barely breath. I look for signs from you. I wish this weren't the end and I knew with certainty that you could feel my love wherever you are. I love you with such agonising pain. I wish I could have taken your place. Xxxx

OP posts:

magimedi · 24/12/2014 11:36

Always here to listen, dear Min.

(((xxx)))

Original poster

minmooch · 25/12/2014 08:38

Wherever you are my darling boy I think of you every day. It does not hurt any more or any less on Christmas Day - it just hurts. Love you always and forever. Xxxx

OP posts:

Morepeasplease · 25/12/2014 16:28

Thinking of you today x

magimedi · 25/12/2014 19:45

I stopped on my seaside walk today & I thought of you & Will & all of yours, dear Min.

It was a beautiful day, filled with sun & light & I just prayed (as an aetheist) that some of it might come to you.

I am glad that Christmas Day did not hurt any more than than any other day.

(((XXX)))

Schweetheart · 29/12/2014 22:21

Min I followed Will's story and thought of you all on XD. I can't begin to imagine how anyone can cope living in such a nightmare.

Do you have much support close by? No idea how anything could really "help" but I hate to think of you alone.

ClockWatchingLady · 30/12/2014 20:49

Minmooch, I haven't been around on here much lately, but you and Will are in my thoughts often.
The allotments near my house always remind me of Will and you after your posts in the summer. I sat there for a little extra time today sending you both my love on the wind.

FreshsatsumaforDd · 30/12/2014 23:33

Thinking of you and your beautiful son, Min.

Original poster

minmooch · 01/01/2015 09:39

Thank you all for thinking of me a and my boys.

Thankfully Christmas and New Year are over. I took my youngest living son to New York for 3 nights. We by-passed Christmas. NY was an assault on the senses but we managed to have fun. It was strange though, more if a distraction but with that underlying knowledge of why we were there.

Big emotional crash on return. Don't want to start a new year without you my darling boy but we can't stop time. I am lonely, tired, don't know who I am any more. I wish I could feel you, know you were there, somewhere. I know you are in my heart, my memories, but it's not enough. I wish I could believe you are near me. I want a sign. Ridiculous. I miss you so much. Xxx

OP posts:

magimedi · 01/01/2015 13:17

So wise to have gone for that distraction, Min.

Not surprised you are feeling as you are now - it's a vile time of year anyway.

Think of you & yours every day & will keep checking in here - it's your place to come & say whatever you want.

(((XXX)))

magimedi · 09/01/2015 23:43

Was by the sea today & thought of you.

(((XXX)))

barefootcook · 10/01/2015 01:01

Hi Minmooch. I am a very infrequent poster but I do remember you from the Children's Health section. I think you mentioned that Will was featured in a magazine article- you might have even even provided us with a link. I remember it was an inspirational piece of writing with a lovely photograph of him. Anyway, I would love to read it again. Would you be able to send the link again?

LilyTheSavage · 12/01/2015 15:48

opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/01/10/getting-grief-right/?smprod=nytcore-ipad&smid=nytcore-ipad-share

Hi Min.

I was sent this article and thought that the author got it just right. It really resonated with me.
Sending you love and strength.

magimedi · 18/01/2015 22:35

I check in daily - but that's not meaning to be a pressure on you to post, Min.

Just want you to know that this stranger in the ether does not forget you & yours.

(((XXX)))

ClockWatchingLady · 28/01/2015 22:06

Thinking of you, min.

magimedi · 07/02/2015 22:35

Still thinking of you, dear Min.

(((xxx)))

LilyTheSavage · 11/02/2015 06:43

Hi Min. Just checking in.

Hope you're feeling peaceful and sending you love.

Original poster

minmooch · 17/02/2015 22:47

My darling boy I miss you. This time last year was your last night at home. Tomorrow you thought you were having a stroke and you had to go to hospital. From there to the hospice. This time last year I knew you did not have long but I was still unprepared. We ate pancakes. We watched tv. I slept on the floor next to you. I listened to you breathing. I didn't know it was your last night at home. I miss you unbearably. My light. My love. My firstborn child.

OP posts:

LilyTheSavage · 18/02/2015 07:15

All these revisitings of the "last" times doing something are so painful. I weep with you.
Sending love.

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