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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My beautiful son

999 replies

minmooch · 26/02/2014 17:13

After nearly two and a half years of a fight with cancer my beautiful 18 year old son passed away this morning at 11:20 am.

I am humbled by his strength and humour that he has shown throughout his short life.

OP posts:
Original poster
minmooch · 31/03/2014 20:08

My darling boy - I survived yesterday without you. I visited your grave but I can't feel you there or any peace. We raised our glasses to you at dinner. I just miss you. It's too painful. Too quiet. It doesn't feel right without you.

I didn't want you to suffer any more but your release from suffering means I am left without you. Your dignity and bravery was amazing. You were so far from ordinary - you were quietly extraordinary. I am so proud of you but I miss you. I love you more and more xxxxx

OP posts:
magimedi · 31/03/2014 22:14

Oh Min.

Will was so obviously amazing - I have no words to help you.

Just the cyber stranger thinking of you now & so often.

mummylin2495 · 31/03/2014 22:30

I am so sorry that you are going through this utter heartbreak.

ClockWatchingLady · 01/04/2014 17:35

Another cyber stranger here, thinking of you, and of your wonderful Will.

trulymadlydeeply · 02/04/2014 17:18

Such heartbreak, Min, and your words paint a true picture of such a loss.

Much love to you. What a wonderful boy Will was, and what a wonderful mother you are to be celebrating his life in such a heartfelt way. Xxx

ClockWatchingLady · 04/04/2014 10:40

Thinking of you, Minmooch.

Original poster
minmooch · 05/04/2014 22:21

My chest hurts with the heaviness of grief. It is like someone sitting on me. I'm tired. I miss you. I love you. I'm so sad that all that treatment couldn't save you. That I couldn't save you. I am frightened to think of you during your last two days. The horror of watching you die. It is like a video replaying over and over but I stop it playing because it's too painful. I am filled with guilt for living, for being healthy, for not not having your cancer instead of you. I love you with every painful beat of my heart, my darling boy.

OP posts:
tunnocksteacake · 05/04/2014 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 05/04/2014 22:42

(((((Min)))))

Badvoc · 05/04/2014 22:52

I have no words min.
I just want you to know I'm listening.
And thinking of you and Will xxxx

FixItUpChappie · 05/04/2014 22:57

oh min, I wish I could just hug you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

thinking of you xx

StampyIsMyBoyfriend · 05/04/2014 23:01

Oh min :(

You're still here, still breathing
..

Your grief is unimaginable to me, so I wont give platitudes.

But we're all thinking of you.

Your boy sounds incredible, which he must have got from his mum xxx

nappyrat · 06/04/2014 07:21

So sorry

magimedi · 06/04/2014 08:56

There is nothing I can say, Min.

Just know we are all here whenever you want to post & I hope saying it out here helps just for a second.

(((XXX)))

CiderwithBuda · 06/04/2014 11:54

No words but ((()))

Original poster
minmooch · 06/04/2014 16:20

I'm breathing - but every breath I take hurts. The guilt of living is very heavy. Why my child? Why not take me? Being healthy feels like treason to my dead son and yet live I must for my surviving son. I have to show him that life is worth living for, that he is worth living for, that we can be happy. But my god it's hard.

I love you my darling, sweet, gentle, funny boy. I can't believe that you are not here.

OP posts:
Badvoc · 06/04/2014 16:50

Oh min
I am so so sorry darling.
Just keep breathing in and out.
That's all you have to do for now.

Millie2013 · 06/04/2014 18:22

Min, I hope you are getting some support, in real life xxx

Mignonette · 06/04/2014 18:30

((( Min)))

What do you think Will would say to you now? What advice would he give you?

From what you have said about him I imagine him as wanting you to embrace life in all its pain, joy and glory for yourself, your family and for Will. And to not feel guilty that it was your boy and not you.

I am thinking of you all Min

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 06/04/2014 21:03

So much love to you. I hope the wishes of strangers can somehow make a difference; your Will is remembered by a whole parade of people who wouldn't have known him, but for your vivid posts creating such a memorable description. Xxx

magimedi · 06/04/2014 22:47

mignonette put all that I am thinking down so eloquently.

And as ladymacbeth said - we all think of Will - even though we never knew him.

And you. And you, and you, so very often.

(((XXX)))

trulymadlydeeply · 07/04/2014 12:02

Min: really hard to read your words, but it's nothing compared to the enormity of your pain and loss. Keep writing, darling. I hope it gives you a modicum of comfort to know we are here and listening, and that we have our virtual arms outstretched to you, even if we can do no more than that.

Thinking of you with love.

ClockWatchingLady · 07/04/2014 13:22

More virtual arms outstretched here, Min. X

Original poster
minmooch · 07/04/2014 13:58

Thank you xxxx

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MiaAlexandrasmummy · 07/04/2014 23:00

minmooch I know it's hard, the hardest thing you have ever had to do. Like you, I found it incredibly difficult. However, perhaps this might help - although it happened when I was about six months down this crappy path ...

It was only when I was pg with Mia's little sibling that I realised that I couldn't have her legacy to him being about all the negative things in this world - the fear, the pain, the darkness - when Mia was none of those things. She was all things good and perfect and beautiful, and she deserved to be honoured in this way, by looking for these things in life. Her little sibling also deserved to know her influence in a positive way. To me, it was a gift I had to give on her behalf, as she couldn't. It was only be holding onto this thought that I was able to get through the darkest moments, and there were many.