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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

DD is 2 tomorow

47 replies

LumpySpace · 14/09/2013 20:03

I don't know how I'm going to cope tomorow. I just want to go to sleep for 48 hours.

Sometimes when people ask me if DS is my first I say yes because I can't bear to tell them about my DD. I know this makes me truly terrible and I despise myself for doing it.

I miss her so much., I wish I could hold her again for one second.

OP posts:
gotadifferentnamenow · 14/09/2013 20:08

I'm so sorry. I hope DD's birthday passes as gently as possible.

mineofuselessinformation · 14/09/2013 20:10

So you lost a precious daughter and don't feel strong enough to explain that to other people? That doesn't make you a terrible person at all, just someone who is still grieving for their child. Maybe in time you will be more able to talk about her.
FWIW, I would mark her birthday in some way, maybe burn a candle for her, as I think you might wish you had if you don't. Be kind to yourself.

BikeRunSki · 14/09/2013 20:14

I am so sorry for your loss. Not telling people about your DD doesn' t make you terrible, you are protecting yourself from a potentially distressing situation, and having to deal with their embarrassment. If people get to know you, and you want to tell them, then you can do in your own time.

I work with someone who always believed not to have any children. He is in his fifties now. It was only after I had known him for 5 or 6 years , about 5 or .6 years ago and was expecting DS, that he said one day "I had a son once...." He had never said a word about it since.

carameldecaflatte · 14/09/2013 20:17

I'm so sorry.

Would you like to talk about your DD here in this safe place? I, amongst others, will "listen".

It will be 5 years next month since my beautiful ds1 was stillborn. On the first anniversary we visited his grave and it was horrible but since then we decided to have a nice day out on the anniversary of his loss to mark the day with something good.

Original poster
LumpySpace · 14/09/2013 20:22

We are going up to her grave tomorow. I've got her some plants and things to put down.

I've been okish today but now ds is in bed I feel awful.

I've not told anyone in IRL this but I can't handle the thought of my beautiful tiny girl in the ground

Thankyou everyone and I'm sorry for making you listen to this. X

OP posts:
adagio · 14/09/2013 20:26

My deepest, sincerest condolences.

Be kind to yourself, cuddle and hold close those that are dear to you and are here on this earth to hold.

Flowers
DameDeepRedBetty · 14/09/2013 20:26

Please Lumpy never ever feel embarrassed to talk to us about your dd and the awfulness of losing her. You haven't made us listen to this you dafty Smile, we chose to click on your thread, knowing very well what it was likely to be about.

Original poster
LumpySpace · 14/09/2013 20:33

Thankyou, you are all wonderful. I need to try and pull myself together now (I don't want to cry in front of DS).

OP posts:
HandMini · 14/09/2013 20:35

Lumpy - hugs. Who do you talk to in real life?

Original poster
LumpySpace · 14/09/2013 20:38

I talk to DH about it but I don't talk to my family or friends about how I feel. It's not that I can't but I wouldn't want to worry them.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 14/09/2013 20:43

Could you find a group? I was a widow and just talking to others in the same position was a life saver for me. They understood and were going through the same thing.

Original poster
LumpySpace · 14/09/2013 20:46

I think it's time for me to go to the SANDS meetings. I've always avoided them before, I don't know why.

OP posts:
HandMini · 14/09/2013 20:46

Exotic, I was just about to suggest the same things.

Lumpy, if you went to a group, you would KNOW you're all there for the same reasons - to talk and share. You wouldn't feel guilty and as though you're burdening people (although I'm sure you wouldn't be anyway if you talked to friends and family - often people want to support, but they don't know how to start the conversation).

mineofuselessinformation · 14/09/2013 20:48

The plants sound a lovely idea. And as for where your daughter is, she's safe and warm in your heart for ever.

MrsDeVere · 14/09/2013 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 14/09/2013 20:53

I really think that you would find it helpful- I hope so anyway. It is worth a try- just because they all really understand. If you haven't been there you can imagine,but you can't know. The group would know.

exoticfruits · 14/09/2013 20:54

Of course it isn't for everyone but my group got very close and supportive.

YoniMatopoeia · 14/09/2013 21:00

Hugs to you from me lumpy. So sorry about your dd.

Original poster
LumpySpace · 14/09/2013 21:01

I've always been a bit scared of going to groups and things. I don't know why.

OP posts:
DameDeepRedBetty · 14/09/2013 21:07

I know what you mean about 'going to groups and things'. I was very resistant to it when we going through all the fallout from dbro's alcoholism and all the ramifications it brought in his wake - I've always been a bit anti- organised things like that. However, in the end I did go, and it was immensely helpful, supportive, and cathartic, to find that other families had been through the experience, had felt the same helplessness, the same guilt, and had made the same mistakes and learned the same lessons.

curlew · 14/09/2013 21:09

Could you tell us her name?

Original poster
LumpySpace · 14/09/2013 21:43

Her name is Paige.

OP posts:
sittinginthesun · 14/09/2013 21:47

Beautiful name. I would love to hear about her, if you want to talk.

Wishing you a gentle day. X

Original poster
LumpySpace · 14/09/2013 22:01

Thankyou again everyone. I'm feeling a lot less hysterical now x

OP posts:
DameDeepRedBetty · 14/09/2013 22:03

Flowers for Paige, Lumpy, MrLumpy and Paige's brother.

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