Please join us here if you have lost a parent and need support (3)

[mummylin2495]

Well here we are again on a brand new thread,hopefully we can all move on a bit to a more accepting phase in our lives.

I wish I could send it to you, but it's on my kindle :(
It's not an easy read, that's for sure and I am not sure I agree with her on everything but it really resonated with me.
I also loathe the way some authors compartmentalise grief. The "stages". I agree with the author...I think that's a load of rubbish designed to make us feel more in control of an emotion that is behind our control.
I did find the end of book hopeful actually. The author doesn't pull punches but the very fact she had written the book is in itself hopeful. She was able to do it. Able to articulate her feelings.
I am still sorting out stuff for mum...trying to get certificates back from companies etc, sorting out the plaque and tree for the cemetery, sorting out her meds (there are loads!).
I have a dh and siblings ssd and yet....I still feel so alone. My grief is mine alone and no one can help me with that.
And that's a scary thought.
I have modest hopes.
I hope that, in time, my grief is not less, or no longer there, but is not so visceral and painful.
I hope that for all of us x

Yes it is.
I feel so bad that I feel the way I do. My dc are wonderful as is dh. He helped me give dad CPR and ventilated him in the ambulance. He was good mates with my dad (they are very alike :)) and gave the eulogy at the funeral.
And yet...I find myself furious with him :( he went back to work 36 hours after dad died. His life goes on as before.
And I just feel broken.
Added to all this is my mums ill health, now my aunts poor prognosis and my sisters new diagnosis.
I just keep thinking....what next? What more can I cope with?
Things feel very bleak.
But....it may not always be so.
And I have to cling to that x

you've had an awful lot to cope with.

in my imagination I feel having support from my siblings would make all the difference. but maybe it wouldnt. I do know it would have made me feel less lonely about it all. my sister asked me recently do you still miss mum? I couldnt answer her I broke down. thats the first time since mum died she has mentioned her to me. my db hasnt mentioned her at all!!! mum died over a year ago. my sister said they all went home and got on with their lives and forgot about me, not her words but what she meant. its taken her a year to realise this but it makes no difference, its too late now.

I'm sorry again badvoc xxx

Gosh ssd, that sounds hard :( were your siblings close to your mum?
My sister has been pretty good. We talk about dad all the time. And mum too. But not my brother...he hardly ever even comes to mums house now whereas when dad was alive he was always there.
I am deeply hurt by that.
I just....miss him, you know? His smell, his walk, the way he could make me laugh by just looking at me in a certain way. I feel like I have lost a limb.
I can't imagine how my mum feels.

badvoc, a tip with your dh

when mine is driving me absolutely mental, I just think "he emptied my mums bins"

he used to help me clean her house and he'd have done anything for her, he was great that way

it sounds like your dh was the same with your dad

try to think of a memory of the 2 of them and when he's driving you nuts think "he made dad smile"

that'll stop you from murdering him! xx

That's a good tip! :)
Dh and dad used to go on "jollies" as I called them...they went away to Europe, USA, china...they loved to travel.
They were planning a trip to brazil next...not to be :(
It was only in very recent years that mum and dad could afford trips abroad...I'm glad he got to go.
It's so hard. I feel so responsible for mum. It must be terrible for people who have no family :(

my siblings were closer to mum when she was more able and less elderly, eg younger, when she could babysit and go on holiday with them, or at least fly there and visit them, when she started getting old and a bit difficult they stepped back, she wasn't any use to them anymore., they moved on and left her to me, it was too much work for them.

I remember when my dad died, I was broken hearted, I couldn't believe it. I couldn't say the word dad for months and months, just couldn't bear it. But I must have slowly moved on. I remember asking mum a few years after he'd died if she had got over his loss by now? Her face crumpled, it was like seeing her heart crumple in her eyes. I immediately realised my mistake and what a stupid thing I'd asked her. Of course she wasn't over it, she never would be. That's how I feel about losing mum now, like we were the last two and now there's just me. I remember seeing a programme on the telly about spirituality, it was Alfie Bow being interviewed by Fern Britton. He was describing how it felt when his dad died. He said he felt so empty but he turned round and seen his mum was still there. He said they went for walk on the beach together and even though it was raining heavily him and his mum, they never got wet, they both knew his dad was protecting them from the rain. I feel like I've got no protection now, like I've been blown into the universe with no safety net and no background to fall back on.Its all gone. My family died when mum went. Its just me and dh and the kids now, there's nothing else. And it scares me, the loneliness of it all.

Oh ssd :(
That's so sad.
Thank goodness your mum had you when she became older and more frail. That's why I am upset with my brother....I know he finds mum neediness upsetting. But we all do. Except My sister and I don't have the luxury of walking away :(
It's hard to know that I will feel like an orphan for the rest of my life.

walking away was never an option for me either, no way would I have done that, though siblings did it with no trouble

funny how we are all so different

Ssd you should be so proud. You have pulled yourself out of so much and you right as so bloody hard it is we trudge on as we can't live our lives in complete mourning and despair for our loved ones that have passed.

But I do also know it is very very hard to cope with the fact they are gone.

My hubby thought the world of my mum and her to him. Loved him. I'm sure she looks out for him now.
Dh also gets on amazing with my dad. My god dh has been great to my dad supportive and looking out for him and stil is.

Badvoc I agree there is no stages IMO. The stages just come ago! I still get bitterness and disbelief now!!

It has got a bit easier but there are some days it floors me and miss her loads! Some days I can't even think about losing her as it kills me inside again X

Hi ladies. Badvoc, ssd, it must be doubly hard having siblings who aren't supportive. I'm an only so don't have that problem, I guess - I know I'm on my own to look after Dad so anything's a bonus, but I remember the anger and bitterness between my mum and her siblings after my gran died - fortunately it didn't last and evaporated completely when DD was born, but it was as if everyone was taking their anger out on the others. It was hard to watch but harder to be in the middle of it I imagine.

I was watching the Changeling the other night (heaven knows why, it freaks me out though it's a very good film) and there's a lovely line in it where a lawyer says "I lost my daughter to polio when she was 9. Hardly a day goes by when I don't think 'You know, I wish I could tell her about that.' "

It summed it up brilliantly for me. Mum and I used to talk all the time and that's what gets me - not being able to pick up the phone and gossip (DH doesn't, Dad doesn't, DD is a bit young at the moment, and how-William-got-paint-on-Jackson's-shirt is not quite the sort of chat I used to have with Mum). Dad's starting to talk about missing her which is a huge thing - he said the other day "I don't mind the being by myself, honestly. People think that's the hard bit, but I really don't mind it. It's just when I'm reading the paper and I realise I can't read the ridiculous article out to her that it gets me."

And yet, do any of you find that sometimes the nice bits are more intense than they ever were? I watched a friend's band the other night and it was so lovely to see them all enjoying themselves on stage while a huge crowd was supporting them all the way (and seeing the bit at the front of the stage turn into a mini-dancefloor for their kids). I know I would have enjoyed it before, but I think I really appreciate it now. Can't explain much more than that.

I was quite proud yesterday: I had a meeting with someone at work who was showing me her scan pictures and telling me about her SIL whose due date is the same as mine would have been. Of course she had no idea, but I think I managed to say the right things without appearing upset: I smiled when she talked excitedly about how her mum was going to look after her little one and said all the right things about how cute the scan looked - and I meant it. Just because I lost mine doesn't mean everyone does, and it's nice for those that don't. Progress, I believe.

Oh ladies, I have been crying while reading the last two pages of posts. Thank you for the book recommendations that have been posted; a friend has also recommended 'All in the end is Harvest'. I will look at it but not yet; I think it's too soon for me. The Virginia Ironside one sounds really interesting but also maybe too bleak. Even before my parents became ill and dad died, I've often been troubled by dark thoughts and a general sense of loneliness and pessimism...maybe this book is too close to the bone.

ssd and badvoc I relate to so much of what you've both said in your recent posts. I am terrified that I am never really going to feel normal...happy...positive ever again. This year has been so horrendous and although I appear to have 'coped' with it thus far, I think I have gone into some sort of autopilot just to get through each day. I am fearful that it will all have a huge effect on my health; both physical and mental.

I look at people- even friends- and think 'you have no idea'. I don't want them to know what it feels like to suddenly see both of your parents become catastrophically ill. To turn up at A&E with a 5.5 stone mother with no hair and a father in a wheelchair who can no longer control his bladder. To spend months driving between hospitals and hospices. To make endless ph

Whoops!

...endless phone calls to health care professionals fighting for help. To hold your terribly ill, grieving mother while she wails like a child.

I think the crux of it is that it has forced me to become a proper adult; very suddenly. To be the one that others look to and say 'what should we do?' And I don't want the responsibility or the grief or the fear, but it is mine and that's the way it is.

Much love to you all today.

Lego...your strength and humility are amazing. You have been through so much and continue to be there for your mother.
Vlad...sadly having siblings is not always the blessing some people think it is :( I love my siblings, but...we are very different people.
Well...I got dads plaque today. The headstone should be up by end of next month. Seems so weird still. To be talking about my dads headstone. It will never feel normal. Not ever again.
I have to find a new normal. I guess we all do x
News today is that ds2 (5 next weds) has just informed me that he would, after all, like a big party for all his friends.
Argh...
Have just booked the church hall now need to do some invites...argh!
Help!!! :)

Please think of my dear friend H who lost her father today x

Lego...that's it.
Exactly
I am the one people look to and ask.. "What should we do?"
And that terrifies me.
Who do I go to?
:(

Everything sounds so sad and I can relate to all of you the thoughts and feelings that are present in your lives. For myself I ^know* I will carry the grief for my mum forever. I can never be the same person that I was. In a few weeks time it will be two years for me and it still feels like last week. Basically we are all now having to start a different life without a person that we loved dearly. I don't know how we do this. I am luckier than a lot of you in that I have a very close family, but even with that, all my siblings have moved on while I am stuck in this feeling of utter disbelief that our mum died like she did so unexpectedly. I really feel for all of you who have not had the support that you need and deserve and seem to of been left to " get on with it " there are still so many times that I want to tell my mum things that happen within the family, my first instinct is to think " oh I must tell mum" then the sickening realisation that I can't tell her hits home again.
But I also know that our mum would never have wanted it to be like this, she would of hated to know how sad her not being here would be, and because of this I do try and carry on as much as normal, I go out to shows etc, but underneath the over riding thought is " mum would like this"
As someone else said on our thread " the price for love is grief" I agree with this entirely and it's because we all had / have this great love that things are so difficult and heartbreaking now that we have lost them, but we are so lucky to of had such a great love that we shared with our parent that we have lost. Some people never have this love all their lives. Somehow we will all go on and eventually live a life where we will be happy again, but a piece of our hearts can never be repaired.
The whole experience has amazed me , how thoughtless others can be, how you are expected to be fine just a couple of weeks later. I have seen the human race in a different light BUT in saying that I have seen the good side of others too, the support from others on this thread far outdoes the bad reactions from a few ignorant people.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't talk it to outsiders anymore. I know they are not interested in the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
One thing I do though is always bring her into family conversations, I will not let her memory be forgotten, evert.
Thanks everyone for all the support I have had from you over the months. You are all fab and I don't know how I would of got to where I am now without you.

badvoc sympathies to your friend on losing her dad.

Badvoc, so many thoughts are with your poor friend. It must feel strange now to know that you will have your dad's headstone soon. We haven't got to that bit yet (although my dad won't have a headstone as such- just a wooden plaque) and I am dreading it really. Actually getting his ashes and having to bury them. Confronting the cold fact that he no longer exists in the form in which I knew him for 35 years. No face, no voice, no arms to hug me with. Just thoughts and memories and longing.

You are so right in what you say about the 'new normal'. A new, different phase of our lives. Or rather, two distinct phases: the one in which our parent was here, and the one in which they've gone.

My friend gave me a lovely children's book by Michael Rosen: 'Sad Book'. I haven't read it to my DCs yet but I have read it myself and found affinity with some of the words in it. It's different because Rosen lost his son, and I don't pretend for one minute that losing a parent is anything like losing a child. But nonetheless, some of the words resonated. Like this bit:

'Sometimes because I'm sad I do crazy things- like shouting in the shower...banging a spoon on the table...'

The illustrations are by Quentin Blake and the drawing of Rosen banging his spoon on the table made me laugh out loud but also feel his pain. I'm pretty sure I've banged spoons on tables in the past few weeks. I think grief can make you feel a bit insane, can't it?

mummylin I don't know quite how you do it but your posts always give me a sense of calm and hope. I think you must be a very special person. Like you with your mum, I know that my dad would be dismayed to see how sad I am at losing him. He would be very troubled by it. He would want me to just seize life with both hands and squeeze every drop of contentment and joy out of it, because that's how he lived his life. I have promised him I will try...but not just yet. It's as much as I can do to keep getting out of bed and facing the day- throwing myself keenly into life will come later, I hope.

'I know they are not interested in the worst thing that has ever happened to me'. mummylin, that made my heart hurt for you- but I know what you mean. Although I would say that we on this thread are interested- in you and your mum, and the relationship you had, and in your journey of grief.

I am going to a Cruse drop-in this evening. Sort of dreading it and wondering whether I'll be able to get any words out. If not, maybe I'll just take a spoon along to bang on the table

I have that book Lego...it's lovely. The picture of him trying to smile is heartbreaking.

we had a dinner lady who used to bang a metal spoon so hard on the table when she shouted. i always thought she was batshit crazy but maybe there was underlying reason!

I havent read any of the books spoke about but ive kept a few in my list for when i feel abit more able.

I cannot wait for macmillan coffee morning to be over, i have been asked to bake for a few and go to 2 and asked if i will host one by friend. i feel like a total cow saying this but i am not willing to support them they were absolutely awful with mum never returned her calls or sorted anything out and the local hospice ended up doing it all. i know this isnt the case for everyone and they really do help some people but i cannot bring myself to fundraise for them. Another thing that really annoys me is peoples assumption that i should do it because my mum had cancer, cancer is a very varied thing if i were to fundraise there are probably hundreds of different charities that i feel would be more appropriate and its really starting to fuck me off the whole " oh well with what happen i thought..."

perhaps i am still a little angry at the lack of support my mum got and that isnt other peoples fault but neither should i feel bullied into supporting something.

am missing mum a lot lately, it is drawing closer to her birthday, anniversary of her wedding and the day she died. i wish i could sleep through them all i really do. ds wants to buy a cake for nannas birthday, i will. if birthday to ds means cake then we shall look at our memory box, have cake and bollocks to anyone that doesnt agree! :)

how are you all? the last few pages have really hit home to me, you are all right nobody is interested after the initial shocks and im sorrys, i would of gone spare if i didnt have you all to talk to and to vent because honestly some of the things that make me rage lately would make most people think i was totally bats.as you can tell i am suffering from lack of sleep so am an irritable so and so :D

Lol @ the strange dinner lady supermario! Yes, maybe there was more to it!

I totally understand your reasons for not feeling able to support Macmillan, given your mum's experience with them. And no-one should try to make you feel bad about it. I've had a bit of a mixed experience of them with my parents but I almost feel I can't say certain things out loud as people generally say such good things about them. The ones I have met have been lovely, and very good at their jobs (and I had quite a crush on the male one based at the hospital where my dad was admitted, but that's by the by...) but we have had some issues overall with the availability of the community Mac nurses.

I love your plans for the cake and memory box. x

vlad, I somehow missed your post when I read the thread earlier. I think you're right to be proud of how you dealt with the discussion of your colleague's pregnancy. That was very benevolent and big-hearted and something not everyone would be capable of. I'm not sure I could if I were in your shoes. Bless your dad for what he said about the newspaper. That really resonates with me- it's the little things, isn't it? It happens to me all the time: 'I must tell dad...' I listen to Radio 4 a lot, and my dad listened to it for as long as I can remember. We often had conversations about things we heard on there, and it's hard now when there's something interesting on that I know he would have liked.

Happy birthday mum! Miss you loads and days like today the void is huge. Hope your enjoying your birthday up there! Xxx always with me mum and I know you will always be with us guiding and loving us. That very special angel xx

happy birthday M!! and some of my xx (pm'ed you t875)

Thinking of you and your mum today t875 x