Please join us here if you have lost a parent and need support (3)

[mummylin2495]

Well here we are again on a brand new thread,hopefully we can all move on a bit to a more accepting phase in our lives.

[stephanielittl7]

Hi everyone just a quick update (i posted on the other thread sometime ago) Well its been 3 months since Mum went and im ok some of the time and others im not. Ive had a lot to cope with and its not good. My brother turned up after creating a fake account on facebook! Hes blaming me for him not being there! Apparently because him and i dont get on ive told him to stay away from my DS and me he took it to mean he stays away from everyone!! Hes been to see Gran once and has emailed me a few times but all he goes on about is himself. Im coming to the conclusion that hes not really worth the effort and i dont need the hassle. My Gran hasnt been well herself and is finding things a struggle. So im looking after her too but as long as shes ok then im ok too. On the plus side ive had 6 days holiday with my best friend (first child free holiday in 20 years!!!!) My DS was in skeggy with his carer! It was really weird being away without Mum - i kept wanting to buy her stuff with Cliff Richard on it! (yes i know but she loved him!) Im just trying to move forward one day at a time but its hard. Anyway before this post turns into a novel i will stop now. Thankyou for getting this far! Sorry for all your losses i cant remember you all by name (sorry) so heres some xx

[mummylin2495]

Hello Stephanie, sorry things turned sour with your brother, hassle you can do without I'm sure, best probably to just get on with your own life if he has that attitude towards you.yes it is a struggle to move on , but it's still very early days for you yet.
Glad to see you had a nice break with your friend. I'm sure that must of done you some good and I'm sure the break was well deserved.

[Badvoc]

Hello steph x
Well, we can have a magnolia tree for dad :) just need to sort a plaque out now.
My dad was my aunts (his sisters) executor and my sister has mentioned it to my cousin. If she wants to do a new will she will need to find a new executor. I know this sounds awful, but I really really hope she doesn't ask me :( it's such an awful, upsetting job :(
Ds2 back at school today after being so poorly last week. Apparently another child had high temp and sickness so maybe it's going round?
Just hope we are all ok til thurs and dh gets back!!

[mummylin2495]

Hi badvoc I too know I am executor on another will and I don't want to do it either. Once was enough for me. Although this other one wouldn t be so complicated. Glad your ds has gone to school and s is better, a couple of my friends have the flu so maybe that is going round in various forms

[ssd]

ds has been off with flu today too, its going round here

hi steph, i remember you looking for your db, seems it wasnt worth finding him, isnt that the way sometimes

glad you can get your tree badvoc

I keep thinking of marshy, hope shes ok

[Marshy]

Hi all
The good news is that it's probably non invasive but there are some abnormalities in my left breast which are likely to require quite extensive surgery. I've had more biopsies of my lymph node just to be sure and as long as that is clear then surgery should sort it. Not what I wanted to hear but could be a lot worse.
Thanks for all of your concern everyone. It has been lovely knowing you are all there. Not sure how often I'll be posting as will have a lot to deal with over the next few weeks but will update at some point.
Hope you all go all go along ok.
Marshy x

[supermariossister]

good luck marshy, always be thinking and here to chat whenevr you are around.x

[mummylin2495]

Very glad to hear that marshy not about the treatment though, update and pop in when you can.

[t875]

Oh wow marshy. Will be thinking of you and please keep us updated. Lots of hugs to you. We will be here for you anytime! Still thinking positive! Xx

[Badvoc]

Good luck marshy x

[ssd]

here anytime you need a chat or a hug marshy xxx

[waterlego6064]

Hello Marshy. Sorry to hear you're going to need surgery, but pleased to hear that it sounds as though there's nothing too sinister behind it all. Did your dd get off to Uni ok? What an emotionally fraught time for you! Sending hugs.

Hello to everyone else. Been too busy to get on here much, was my birthday at the weekend and I was spoiled rotten by my OH . He's always been really good at buying gifts and usually does so on a budget but very creatively. This year, however, his business has been doing very well, and I think he figured he wanted to treat me as it's been such a tough year, and he bought me a beautiful charm bracelet and charms to go on it- one from him and one from the DCs. We also went out for a really lovely dinner (and I should've resisted the urge to follow the champagne up with port after the meal, but I never learn and spent my actual birthday nursing a bit of a sore head :))

Hope everyone's doing ok. Will try to catch up properly this week. Hugs to all.

[Badvoc]

Feel very low today :(
Mum is at hospital having her heart echo and I am spending the day ironing.
She is staying tonight as dh is away.
Glad you had a good weekend Lego :)

[mummylin2495]

Hi waterlego it sounds like you had a lovely gift from your dh And now he will never have to worry what to get for you again. Because he can keep buying you new charms ! Doesn't hurt for you to be spoilt now and again, jug the pick up you need
badvoc hope the test for your mum isn't too tiring for her. A least tonight you won't have to worry because she will be with you . You are doing my least fav job today. I hate it , put some music on to .lift your spirits a bit, music is a great help too when your ironing !

[Badvoc]

I am watching skyfall :)
I love Daniel Craig.

[t875]

Water Lego - happy birthday! Hope you had a great day! Sounds like a lovely thoughtful present from dh! So much so I told mine in hopes he might take the hint for next year

Badvoc - hope your mums echo was ok
Ssd - hope DS is getting better and you all don't get it.
Biscuits (()) speak soon xx
Hi to everyone else. Right ol drippy day here! !!

Hugs for anyone who needs them. X

[t875]

Like Daniel Craig too badvoc!

Mummylin - hope your going along ok today x
Ssd will pm you x

[mummylin2495]

Ok t875 that's fine. Guess what I'm doing tomorrow, I am helping my friend look after a baby !!! Oh my god and I was telling my sister yesterday how I thought what hard work they are etc. my friend had a stroke and can't manage herself.
Hope you are all ok and the weather isn't making you feel lower than ever, it's so depressing snt it with no sun. Just cold and wet. Badvoc hope your mum ok.

[ssd]

happy birthday water, hope you have a lovely day. Its my birthday ina few days, hope dh comes up with something, last year all I got on my birthday was my mums funeral bill, I prayed this year would be more positive but it just doesn't feel like it yet. I read this quote from another poster about grief, it sums it up well how I'm feeling

"There's a Terence Rattigan quote in the anthology "all in the end is harvest" (which I would recommend highly, btw) in which he says something like..... "I won't insult you by telling you you will forget, but in time you won't remember as fiercely as you do now, and I pray that time will be soon."

I hope that time comes soon for all of us. I got a book out the library last night called "Living with complicated grief", will let you all know if it helps or is just a load of waffle.

[Badvoc]

I would recommend "you'll get over it: the rage of bereavement" by Virginia ironside.
I found it very helpful.
Mum is ok. She hates winter so is dreading the next few months. Today it's very grey again here.

[ssd]

its so hard keeping your mum going when you're barely functioning badvoc, I know it well

thanks for recommending that book, I've heard of it before but I thought it was about being angry over a death (the rage bit??). I maybe got the wrong end of the stick?

[Badvoc]

Is does cover the anger you feel but also covers other less well known aspects of grieving.
I found it helped.
I am not keen on flowery language and am wary of psycho babble but I found this book was very well written and used real life stories and experiences.
The author lost both parents in very different circumstances and talks about things like step families, other people's reaction to your grief and his to cope with insensitive people, conflict over wills etc
After what happened to my dad I feel like the is so little point in making plans, saving for the future...
Before my bereavement I walked in the sunshine and ignored the shadows.
Now all I can see is shadows :(

[ssd]

I've just went onto amazon to read the reviews of this book and was amazed to read one review which summed up exactly how I feel about my loss, I hope no one minds me copying and pasting it here, its for me to read and reread, I find reading stuff that resonates with me stops me from feeling so alone in all this...apologies for the length of it but this is the only place on the internet I read and I'd lose it if I tried to put it anywhere else...again, its a review of a book but the review just feels really personnel to me and I want to keep it here. I hope no one minds.


"I've been in the depths of despair inside for years now, primarily due to the loss of my parents with no support from my blood family whatsoever. My husband has been 100% there for me but I can hardly keep bawling my eyes out in front of him. And so I turned to books for help. This was one of them. I read it in the Autumn of 2010, nine months after my Mum died, (my Dad had died nearly 6 years earlier) and that was too soon for me. To read how others feel at their losses did not feel empathetic; I soaked up their feelings like a sponge and went into overload.

Recently I thought I would try to see if I could read it again to see if I felt differently - I just couldn't do it. I reminded myself of various parts in it but the same desolation it inspired then returned in full force and I just had to stop. I would definitely not recommend that anyone read it soon after they are bereaved when the emotions are raw; the loss fresh and vivid. It could devastate them.

This book was written because of the feelings the author experienced at the time her father died which triggered emotions about all those who had died in her past and my first reaction was that it was a brilliant portrayal of this. And it is. And that's the problem. I so totally agreed with how she says it feels when the second parent dies but she also made it clear that she believes this doesn't change and that it goes on forever and ever. The hopelessness of life after being orphaned at a mature age, the loss of a child or a partner, the awareness of our own mortality and the horrible realization that we never get over it - never - doomed to go to our graves feeling this way, is too much for anyone to bear, however true it is.

The author is scathing of any suggestion that we go through emotional stages following a death. She believes that we will interpret these as a rigid sequence. Not crediting anyone with the intelligence to know it is different for everyone. Because of this, there is no structure of that sort to the content of the book and it is therefore inherently a messy book about a messy subject. The problem is, it left me feeling in a mess. I don't think books that describe stages and give hope should be written off. I don't for one moment think that there is the same sequence for everyone and certainly we return again and again to earlier emotions 'in no particular order'. But such books at least break up the emotions into digestible pieces we can relate to and which we then can extrapolate, adjust, switch around and so on to better understand our own experiences. They also give hope. On the cover of her book is a note by Anthony Clare "A very painful, honest and ultimately hopeful account". This led me to believe there was some hope. This book gives none. Even the postscript three years after the death of her father is in the same vein: "I'm impatient to discover whether I have to live in this land of grief and rage and confusion for ever, or whether bereavement is actually a journey...".

Don't get me wrong - she is absolutely right. It is two years since my Mum died and I'm as upset, lost, lonely, confused, ... as I was then - when I let myself dwell on it. I reiterate: this book doesn't have any hope in it. It is not a book that the bereaved should read believing it does. We all know we are mortal; we all know we are going to die and all around us are going to die too. We don't dwell on it. We have to believe things will get better - this is constructive. We also know that we will experience pain - for some, unbearable and forever pain - but what we need is positive support while we endure such pain however long that is. You may feel better for reading about other peoples experiences - there are numerous examples in this book - but I believe it is unhealthy to endorse pain in such a way when adamant that there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

I truly wish that this book had remained a private unpublished vent of anger for the author. Obviously many may disagree with me. The thing is, do you want to feel better and able to cope or do you want to wallow in self-pity forever as the author has decided we must and probably will? Yes we will grieve. Yes we will feel guilt, fear, anger and all the other horrendous emotions a death inspires (even relief for some). But also, yes we must live as the changed person that we inevitably become after a death and yes we must move on for the benefit of those who are still alive including ourselves."

badvoc, am no way rubbishing this book, I want to read it and think it will help, I just wanted to be able to re read this review as it describes exactly how I feel about my bereavement and having no parents or support from my blood relatives in dealing with it all.Its just a private thing sorry its taken up a lot of space here

[ssd]

badvoc, I hear you. I really want to read this book now, I think it'll mean a lot of sense to me, the review above is just a personnel thing as so much of it is true to me, I mean her circumstances, not what she says about the book

[ssd]

sorry its just me again

the bit about the hopelessness of life after being orphaned at a mature age describes me now. But I dont want to feel like this, I've got too much to live for to feel despair for the rest of my life/ and I know thats the last thing my mum and dad would have wanted for me. I've got a good dh and kids, they might not be perfect but they're perfect for me (most of the time) I should appreciate them more and stop thinking about how shit my siblings have been and how alone I've felt and start realizing what I still have,not just what I've lost.

But its so hard to do, isnt it